Does anyone else live with a faff?

[ExplodingCarrots]

(Lighthearted)

DH. A lovely man, great dad, lots of fun, caring, does more than his fair share of household chores, never raised his voice to me in the 12 years we've been together , but .....

He's a faff.

Me and DD are currently sat on the sofa ready to go out for lunch (which was planned yesterday ) but as we were about to leave DH decided he wanted to try and roll up an overgrown rose bush he pulled down yesterday and try and fit it in the car to take to the tip. So now we're sat like lemons waiting for him and he's been attempting to roll this thing up for half an hour. Now he's just come in and said it can't fit it in the car 🤦‍♀️.

His usual gems are :-

• suddenly needing a poo as soon as Wev got coats on and are walking out the door even though he's been doing nothing for the past half hour waiting for me and dd to get ready.
• he says get in the car I'll be there now but after 5 minutes there's no sign of him. You go back in the house and he's fixing something / cleaning something / suddenly looking for something.

Honestly he's lovely but it drives me nuts

I end up getting in a flap over time and he's so so laid back.

Anyone else live with one of these??

My ExH did this sort of thing and it was a type of control, especially the suddenly needing a shit when we are all sat in the car. He wanted us all waiting on his pleasure.
So I just started driving off without him. He never learnt though.
His faffing is another reason he is an ex. Cannot abide faffing.

Not now, but my DF was like this when I was growing up. DM would spend half an hour gathering everything up and packing our lunches, getting our coats and shoes on etc while he just sat there, and then when it was time to leave he'd start cocking about with his clothes and wallet, and going around the house checking all the windows were shut, which DM had already done while he was sitting on his arse. Invariably, we'd have left the house and locked the door, and would be about to get into the car when he'd remember something else that he wanted to bring (usually sunglasses) and would have to go through the rigmarole of unlocking the door, going in, spending 10 minutes looking for said sunglasses (plus whatever else he'd additionally decided he wanted), then locking back up. It drove us all spare. He is apparently somewhat better now that both my parents have retired but he still has form for suddenly needing a shit as soon as DM has announced that tea is ready.

I have no solutions to offer. I have no idea how my own DM didn't LTB.

I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who did this.

I'm not saying LTB as you're married and that's a silly thing to leave someone over if hes fine in every other way.

I just wouldn't get very serious with someone who valued their time so much more over everyone else's. I cant stand lateness/faffing. It's just total disregard for anyone else's time/schedule but their own.

What happens if you point out it’s annoying you?

Is he generally bad at planning his time, or is it just when it impacts you. He’s essentially saying his time is more important than yours.

Why didn’t you help with the rose bush? Does he ask for help or refuse it?

My DM and DMIL (and basically every other lady I know over 65) say that their husbands find it harder and harder to leave the house. They also always have to be the last one out the door, and often this means running back for something forgotten (or a poo!). Wonder if your DH has a case of this? Someone should do a study into this...

Yes! Always the need a poo lol ! Pain

My Fil!! This is him to a tee! Especially the needing a poo thing 🙄
Dh tried it on a few times when we were first married and I made it quite clear that I wasn’t his mum and I wouldn’t be tolerating it. I cannot abide faffing.

Agree with @EatDessertFirst, it's often a control thing, passive-aggressive behaviour.

MIL is Queen Faffer - sits at the restaurant table at the end of a meal while everyone gets up and visits the toilet, then when everyone is back and the bill has been paid etc. she decides to go to the toilet and everyone has to wait.... Or the thing of everyone sitting in the car waiting, and on going back to see what she's doing finding her hanging out a load of laundry.

She had 4 DS and I think she evolved a way of controlling everyone without shouting and being bossy, even now she has everyone dancing to her tune. Pretty clever really.

To answer a few questions ..

No he's not like this just with me. It's if he's leaving the house on his own too. And it's not every time we leave the house. He's just very chilled out with time and super laid back. He's MUCH better nowadays than before. He doesn't even think his time is more important or anything like that...that doesn't even occur to him.
When I start to flap and hurry him up he says 'chill out we got plenty of time'. And we do have time most of the time but I'm a stickler for time and I hate waiting.
He didn't ask for help with the bush and I didn't offer. I have a dress on and he was standing on it to make it smaller and I wasn't volunteering to do that as my legs would have been ripped to bits.

Like I said , besides this he's absolutely lovely ,

My DH likes to point out how he "only has to put his shoes on" so he'll sit and watch TV while we get ready. When the time comes to leave, DSD and I will be waiting for him while he faffs around finding his socks, rolling a cigarette, finding his keys, deciding whether or not he needs a jacket etc. Gaaaah! It drives me mad!

His DM (let's call her Betty) is even worse so I think that's where he gets it from. The weird thing is that he finds her faffing really frustrating so he obviously can't see that he's the same. Sometimes when it's a full on faff (wallet, glasses, fags, keys, umbrella, the lot) I say "Come on, Betty!" which really winds him up but makes me laugh :)

@Hallouminati it's exactly that

When we first started going out at 18 and 19 he used to be 2 hours late coming to my house. It used to drive my parents nuts because we're a punctual family. My mum and dad are the 15 minute early for everything type. He's not that bad now otherwise I'd have definitely LTB.

I could have written this OP. My husband is the nicest, most decent and reasonable man on earth but THE FAFF.

It won't be until the actual point of leaving that he looks for his shoes / keys / wallet / coat. Or he will remember he has to put the bins out, or that we are going past the tip so he needs to get an old chair from the garage.

It drives me nuts

Not really, BUT my OH as soon as I put down any food, even though he has been sat on his arse doing nothing will suddenly need the toilet. And it drives me nuts. I’ve just stood for sometimes 2-3 hours cooking a meal, and he leaves it for 5-10 minutes. ARGRGHHSHSHJSJSIS

afternoon my DF does that. DM even tried giving him a 10 minute warning for when tea would be ready, so could he please go to the toilet now, and he would still leave it until the food was on the table before wandering off for his pre-prandial shit. I swear it's some kind of Pavlovian response to the words "tea's ready".

I just wouldn't have dated someone who was hours late without a good reason. Seems like he's good in other respects but this would be a complete dealbreaker for me

He would be doing jobs around the house. We joke about it now.

My DP used to do this constantly, so I opted for the 'I'm leaving in 5 minutes and if you're not ready, i'll go without you'. It soon made him move when he realised I wasn't joking

What is it with men and needing a shit when they were supposed to be going out? ExH was like this too. Drove me mad. Apparently he couldn't help it but I manage to leave the house every day without needing to poo at the last minute. And he took ages. New DP is so quick in the toilet I think he's lied about going for a poo! Never known it to be that quick before!

I just lie and say dinner's ready when I haven't even served it up. DS2 is the culprit here. Then he comes down just as I'm serving up, post poo.

The suddenly needing to shit thing right before leaving the house can be a sign of anxiety, especially if it’s really frequent.

I don’t have anxiety personally, though know a lot about it, and I’d find it strange if a grown adult couldn’t predict needing to go to the bathroom until the last possible minute and it always being right before going out. But when people are anxious about something it affects the bowels/urinary tract and makes you need to go.

I think it was the late John Peel's wife* who got so fed up of him disappearing to the loo just as dinner was served that she started to place his full plate on the toilet seat instead of the table. I believe it cured him.

*I could be totally off here but can't be arsed to Google.

Why did you and why do you facilitate this?
More fool you. You should have told him at 18, that 2 hours late isn't ok. It's disrespectful.

@Oblomov19 this was 12 years ago. Of course he's not 2 hours late now. He's on time for everything now it's just the faffing actually getting out the house. Like I said , it's all lighthearted.

Oh god. My DS is going to be a faff. He's only 12 but he's does the going to the toilet thing at the wrong moment even though we give him plenty of warning! Aaaarrrghhhh

Jemima that makes sense, but I don't see how it explains the men who decide they need a shit just as dinner is announced. Unless they're especially nervous about their OH's cooking?