Does anyone else live with a faff?

[ExplodingCarrots]

(Lighthearted)

DH. A lovely man, great dad, lots of fun, caring, does more than his fair share of household chores, never raised his voice to me in the 12 years we've been together , but .....

He's a faff.

Me and DD are currently sat on the sofa ready to go out for lunch (which was planned yesterday ) but as we were about to leave DH decided he wanted to try and roll up an overgrown rose bush he pulled down yesterday and try and fit it in the car to take to the tip. So now we're sat like lemons waiting for him and he's been attempting to roll this thing up for half an hour. Now he's just come in and said it can't fit it in the car 🤦‍♀️.

His usual gems are :-

• suddenly needing a poo as soon as Wev got coats on and are walking out the door even though he's been doing nothing for the past half hour waiting for me and dd to get ready.
• he says get in the car I'll be there now but after 5 minutes there's no sign of him. You go back in the house and he's fixing something / cleaning something / suddenly looking for something.

Honestly he's lovely but it drives me nuts

I end up getting in a flap over time and he's so so laid back.

Anyone else live with one of these??

So when your husband is beginning a job - just as you’ve planned to head out, you just shrug and smile?

My husband doesn't start a job just as we are planning to go out, you're mixing me up with someone else.

What he will do is faff about finding his shoes or his keys or similar. Annoying, yes. Abusive? Give me strength.

He might on occasion realise just as we are leaving that he has forgotten to do a job that needs done pre-departure (like loading a borrowed piece of equipment into the car because we are visiting the person we need to return it to, or putting the milk bottles out because it's milk delivery day). Also annoying, but not really any more his fault than mine.

It’s baffling that you don’t see this behaviour as disrespectful and rude.

It's baffling that you think you're an authority on a situation you have virtually no information about...

But the prospect of actually living with this kind of behaviour is to most - bloody awful. To you - a bit of a giggle, which I suppose is convenient given your DH!

Who says I want to live with it? I can find the situation amusing and still empathise with the person experiencing it. Lots of situations in life are simultaneously funny and awful. Human emotions are complex! Life isn't black and white!

My husband doesn't behave like this, so what's your point there?

Vasya

You seem to think that all the comments are directed at you.

It’s the OP’s situation we’re interested in. You responded that you experienced similar. Turns out in your subsequent posts it’s not at all like time and time again the family waiting for the dh whilst he begins a job. It’s something far more innocuous. Looking for keys? Is that even a thing?

It’s the OP’s situation we’re interested in.

Then why did you direct so many of your comments specifically to me...?

I didn’t! You presumed they were directed at you. And so we began an engagement with each other

I didn’t! You presumed they were directed at you. And so we began an engagement with each other

Wtf? On one of your posts you copied and pasted part of my post, and on 2 others you literally tagged me by name!

Yes.

As I said. Initially I referred explicitly to OP. In my first couple of posts. Then you thought that I was referring to you. I wasn’t. But I then began to address your posts directly.

As I said. Initially I referred explicitly to OP. In my first couple of posts. Then you thought that I was referring to you. I wasn’t. But I then began to address your posts directly.

Please re-read the thread - you will see I didn't respond to anything you said until you tagged me by name.

Reread.
After ousting your dh was like this. You picked up on a PP who had responded to the OP and responded as though it was directed to you

I then tagged you in - absolutely not responding to your situation. Instead enquiring as to whether you had actually read the Op

Bowing out now

Got to pack for holiday now and I’ve promised children - no work and no mumsnet!

All the best OP

Honesty don't see how you think you can pretend that's how it unfolded when the evidence is literally right there for anyone to see 😂 and of course you're bowing out now - where else is there for you to go!

Vasya your husband's behaviour isn't at all the same as what the OP has described. You said so yourself pages ago! Faffing about looking for keys isn't on the same level as starting some kind of gardening job while your family sit in the car waiting to set off. It's the latter that people are criticising here, not the low-level messing about, and that was what the OP posted about. I think it's disrespectful, personally. I also think the OP has called this behaviour something that it isn't, which has muddied the waters.

Going to ignore the above tangent

But yes absolutely- I swear DH is physically incapable of leaving the house in a hurry. Even when he has nothing to do (and his bowels have been cleared) he seems to just March around the ground floor, not really doing much apart from getting in the way. Glad to hear hes not the only one!!

And I think the OP knows better than a load of strangers who have no experience of the situation whether her husband's behaviour is abusive / disrespectful etc. If she wants to call it faffing because that's how she experiences it. She knows better about her own life than you.

Men eh! Hahaha...oh...or maybe their just twats?

I knew before posting that I would get a lot of posters saying 'LTB' and that it's passive aggressive . I've been on MN for a loooong time and know how it goes . Nobody is perfect. I know DH isn't disrespecting me or being passive aggressive. And it's not every single time we leave the house. And he's not late for appointments. He just faffs before going out the door. I also gave the reason why I didn't help with the bush but I know if DH needed help he'd ask. I'm glad some people got the point of the thread and saw the funny side.

Yes op. Agreed. My DH is a truly lovely guy. He gaffs big time but his mother does too. I think she has just passed that terrible trait on. Take deep breaths.

And I think the OP knows better than a load of strangers who have no experience of the situation whether her husband's behaviour is abusive / disrespectful

You'd think so, but given the amount of threads on here where people have to ask if a relationship is abusive (or through posting find out it is), I think you'll find it isn't always clear-cut

Part of my early training consisted of "Always "go" before you go". Good advice but maybe can lead to toilet anxiety before travelling. Our large and widely spaced motorway places do not help with this.The French have got the right idea with their simple "aires" every few kilometres where you can make a quick stop, wee, stretch legs and get back on the road. And no shops to lure the children

Oh thank God I'm not alone anymore, I really thought it was just me chained to a faffer.

I swear he wasn't like this when we met, else I'd never stayed with him. The faffing has slowly crept up on me as he gets into middle age.

In the last few years he's started to take longer and longer to leave the house. His particular speciality is roaming slowly around the downstairs and pausing in doorways, getting in everyone else's way as they're heading for the front door.

Heading off on holiday is a real crisis point. He has nothing to do with packing so instead spends forever faffing about with umpteen time-delay plugs and rearranging all the lamps to be infront of windows for maximum on/off visibility. The night before we travel he sets his phone alarm, which has never let him down in fifteen years, but he can never sleep because he's convinced the alarm won't go off. So he starts a very stressful day already shattered. Then there's the drama of setting the house alarm, the fretting about airport check in, the stress about are the cases too heavy.

His latest trick is to suddenly detour to the loo the moment I announce dinner is ready. Why? Why? His Dad always did this and the rest of the family had to watch their meals go cold every single time. It drove DH mad apparently.

DH used to be laid back, bit reckless and maverick about life and it was incredibly sexy and fun. But now he's morphing into this fretting faffer dithering about weighing suitcases and constantly counting he has the right number of passports. It's so annoying.

DH always feels the need to do unnecessary things when we are about to go on holiday. So instead of packing, he will hoover, or wash the car (but not put diesel in it) or do a spot of light gardening, whilst I am running round like a headless chicken. Then he will start on his case about 10 mins before we are meant to leave. Drives me bonkers!

I couldn't live with that, I'd just leave without him.

I have an ex who did that kind of stuff and it was definitely a control thing for him so I am very wary of that behaviour now.

ExplodingCarrots and Vasya some posters are obsessed with what they call controlling and disrespectful behaviour and declaring there are things they will not put up with.

I was nearly two hours late for a second date. I don't think I am more important than anyone else, it was just that I driving 20 miles and misjudged the time and distance.

No mobile phones then and he didn't even have a landline. Luckily he was still there when I turned up sweating and apologetic. We celebrate 27 years of marriage next month.

But he could have just LTB (Leave the Bitch) for being grossly disrespectful rather than making a mistake.

PS He's had his moments too

My ex was like this. I used to pretend we had to be places half an hour before we were actually due, to try to get him out the door on time. Unfortunately he eventually got wise to it.

DS is turning out to be a terrible faff too! To use my dad's favourite phrase "it's like launching a battleship" trying to get him out the house.

limited just because people have a different opinion to you doesn't mean they are "obsessed" with anything.

I could just as well say some people are "obsessed" with keeping the peace by ignoring such behaviour but that doesn't mean they are.

We all have different standards and opinions and that's ok.