Does anyone else live with a faff?

[ExplodingCarrots]

(Lighthearted)

DH. A lovely man, great dad, lots of fun, caring, does more than his fair share of household chores, never raised his voice to me in the 12 years we've been together , but .....

He's a faff.

Me and DD are currently sat on the sofa ready to go out for lunch (which was planned yesterday ) but as we were about to leave DH decided he wanted to try and roll up an overgrown rose bush he pulled down yesterday and try and fit it in the car to take to the tip. So now we're sat like lemons waiting for him and he's been attempting to roll this thing up for half an hour. Now he's just come in and said it can't fit it in the car 🤦‍♀️.

His usual gems are :-

• suddenly needing a poo as soon as Wev got coats on and are walking out the door even though he's been doing nothing for the past half hour waiting for me and dd to get ready.
• he says get in the car I'll be there now but after 5 minutes there's no sign of him. You go back in the house and he's fixing something / cleaning something / suddenly looking for something.

Honestly he's lovely but it drives me nuts

I end up getting in a flap over time and he's so so laid back.

Anyone else live with one of these??

Haha, it doesn’t CheckingOutTheQuantocks! That just seems incredibly rude to me. Personally I feel like when someone has gone to the trouble of cooking and serving dinner it’s only polite to show some kind of enthusiasm or gratitude, like coming to the table when asked.

But I take issue in general with the bowel habits I see in lots of men (and pretty much never in women), the idea that every poo needs to take 20-30 mins of sitting on the toilet reading and relaxing, why not just wait until you actually have to go and then go sit on the toilet? My OH was astonished when I said that it takes the same length of time for me to use the toilet to poo as it does for a wee as I don’t go sit there hoping for a poo to materialise, I wait until I need one and then go.

I suspect it’s more about wanting some time and space alone which is fair enough but it’s bloody rude when someone else is waiting on you. I guarantee OP’s DH wouldn’t keep an interviewer waiting because he suddenly decided he needed a shit at the last possible minute...

@NewMe2019 New DP is so quick in the toilet I think he's lied about going for a poo! Never known it to be that quick before!
He's a keeper! Marry him quick!

Yes, both of my XH's did this. One used to decide to mow the lawn just as we were due to leave, the other 'just had to check Facebook', and would then spend an hour answering all the witty messages he had received.

I asked XH2 (the non-abusive one) why he did it, and he admitted it was control. HE wanted to decide when we left and actually enjoyed seeing everyone having to wait for him.

Gosh, that would drive me demented

Passive aggressive form of control calculated to annoy and stress you. Why do you wait on him? I wouldn't revolve my plans around someone who purposely causes lateness and angst. I'd just go out.

There are as many faffer-ebablers as there are faffers unfortunately0.

Would you accept your DCs behaving like this when getting ready for school in the morning..?

Faffing is boring and entirely unattractive in an adult time waster.

Good grief, a light hearted thread starts with comments of passive aggressive, control thing and borderline LTB...Only on MN!

@JohnLapsleyParlabane

"He's a keeper! Marry him quick!"

I know! A very rare breed of man.

I'm not saying LTB, but I would find this level of fannying about deeply unsexy in a man. Even if it was entirely uncalculated and just a symptom of a disorganised mindset, I wouldn't be able to fancy someone who behaved like that on a regular basis!

Even if it was entirely uncalculated and just a symptom of a disorganised mindset, I wouldn't be able to fancy someone who behaved like that on a regular basis!

You might if you saw how attractive, clever and funny my husband is

OMG I think I am all of your husbands 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Going for a poo when it's time to leave for something is just classic family avoidance. The message is 'I would rather have a long, drawn out shit than spend any more time than is necessary with you'. I wouldn't be able to sleep with someone knowing their poo habits much less commit. Thank god I'm single, I can't tolerate child-like men.

I think they go just before dinner because they want to enjoy their dinner. They know the poops been ready to go for a while but couldn't be bothered actually going till they know it would make eating a meal less enjoyable

I am familiar with faffing.

In fact it was on MumsNet that I first saw the expression, 'interfaff faffing' which describes small micro faffs within an already established faff.

He’s not lovely in my eyes OP

Utterly disrespect and frustrating. His family sitting waiting for him as potters about. A particular kind of inconsiderate arse

In fact it was on MumsNet that I first saw the expression, 'interfaff faffing' which describes small micro faffs within an already established faff.

outstanding!

This thread is one of the best examples of mumsnet's hysterical LTB-ism I've ever seen, by the way. On this site your partner can't ever annoy by virtue of their being an imperfect human who sometimes does annoying things. Oh no! Any inconvenience inadvertently perpetrated by a partner is, of course, a sign that they're actually a cold-hearted narcissist, invidiously finding ways to deliberately waste your time because they don't respect you and want to assert control over you.

My husband will choose to either sharpen the kitchen knives, refill the salt in the dishwasher or descale the coffee machine and kettle at the most bizarre times 🤦🏼‍♀️

Vasya I agree, although over the years here I’ve seen posts like this, a small complaint over something seemingly minor become much more serious as the OP realises what’s going on and how much their life has been dominated by something they never looked at clearly.

You seem very passive OP. I find it surprising that you put up with his severe lateness at 18, most girls wouldn’t. You should have put your foot down over the lunch plans, and told him that rose bush could wait. Definitely not LTB territory if he’s otherwise great, but i would t call it lighthearted either - it’s disrespectful and tbh you come across as a bit wet. Sorry.

And my XH actually admitted (at the point when we were still in a good relationship) that it was a control issue. He felt he had little control over anything else in the relationship (because he was avoidant of practically everything, also a lazy arse) so he took control where he felt he could.

First XH wouldn't have admitted to doing it for control reasons, but it absolutely was. I'll never forget his sister, watching him mow the lawn (apparently essential) as we all waited to go out for dinner, and her absolutely stunned expression as she said 'what the hell is he doing?' and I explained that he did it all the time.

Sometimes faff is just faff. Sometimes it's more sinister. And you often can't see which it is until someone points it out.

But the reality of this “small” thing is an entire family waiting. Time and time again whilst he dies exactly what he wants to do

Can you not see that that kind of behaviour suggests someone pretty.... arse-holey!

At least your husband's don't get up in the middle of the night to shit

He sounds great, everyone has their faults. Perhaps you should have helped him instead of sitting on the couch?

First XH wouldn't have admitted to doing it for control reasons, but it absolutely was. I'll never forget his sister, watching him mow the lawn (apparently essential) as we all waited to go out for dinner, and her absolutely stunned expression as she said 'what the hell is he doing?' and I explained that he did it all the time.

This isn't a faff, to my mind. A faff is not finding your shoes, misplacing your keys, or remembering at the last minute that you have to get something out of the shed. Deliberately finding lengthy and unnecessary tasks to complete at the point of departure is pretty obviously not the same as that.

Sometimes faff is just faff. Sometimes it's more sinister. And you often can't see which it is until someone points it out.

Thanks, but I can see which it is.

Genuine question - when you do things that annoy your husbands, do you think it's a sign that you're abusive? Like, is it abusive that I sometimes leave wet towels on the floor even though I know it annoys my husband? Is it a sign that I don't respect him enough to change? Is it a sign I consider him responsible for drudgery?

Or is it a sign that I am an imperfect human, fighting against my fundamentally untidy and absent minded nature and sometimes slipping up?

And if it's the latter, why is it so hard to believe that the same principle is true of OP's husband or my own...?

@Vasya.

Did you read the OP?

What you describe is what is happening

I'm a faffer. I'm absent minded and scatty and have been that way since I was a kid. I'm forever trying to improve at it. It's not a, "Passive aggressive form of control calculated to annoy and stress you". FFS. We're human beings with flaws, not robots (not aimed at you OP as I know this was a light hearted thread).