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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner with no job

63 replies

Pan1920 · 19/08/2019 17:39

My partner and I are both in our mid 40s and have been dating for 7 years. He's very kind and compassionate, which is a breath of fresh air after my previous abusive marriage. He's been unemployed for the past 8 years and claims unemployment & housing benefits. There have been times in his life when he has worked, such as when he's been in a relationship with someone who has their own accommodation. (He says that he can't afford to live on his own as he's currently better off financially on benefits). During the past 7 years he has managed to retrain and has gained several high level qualifications which would enable him to find good employment, but he keeps saying he's still better off financially by not working. I have worked (full & part time) since I was 16, I own my own house outright and he's now asking to move in with me so that he can start looking for work. I'm a little concerned about him moving in as I'm not convinced of his work ethic. He's also very selective in what work he will undertake. I've spoken to him about my concerns and he tries to reassure me but also doesn't like me "hassling him into getting any old job". My family and friends are advising me not to let him move in but am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 19/08/2019 17:45

Definitely do not co-habit with him. And seriously consider where the relationship can actually go.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/08/2019 17:46

You're not being selfish no. For me, a partner would have to be an equal, including my financial equal.

7 years is a long time to date someone. What are your long term plans?

Chocmallows · 19/08/2019 17:48

Don't you resent him for having an easier life and also feel a distance as you have a different work ethic?

timshelthechoice · 19/08/2019 17:50

WTAF? Where is your brain?! Under NO circumstances do you let him move in! He's a cocklodger. He's shown you who he is the past 7 years, he doesn't want to work, he wants to sponge, and you're his next target. By all means keep seeing him if you want to be in a relationship with a loser, but don't let him move in.

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 17:51

Do NOT move him in. I guarantee you he will not make any more effort to find a job when he's living with you. I suspect he is just pure lazy as I do not believe he is better off on benefits.
Plus, who actually chooses to be on benefits?? He has zero work ethic.
Seriously, even with his rent being paid, all he will get is about £70 per week so how can that be better than working??
If he is on benefits, who pays for your nights out, trips etc? I wonder?

PastelPotential · 19/08/2019 17:51

How the fuck has he managed to get away without working so long. And as benefits are so low for single people what makes him think he is better off not working?

RantyAnty · 19/08/2019 17:52

Of course don't let the cocklodger move in. He's a leech and a sponge and that won't change.

Concerned about his work ethic? He has no work ethic. He feels special and entitled to sponge.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 19/08/2019 17:53

Your family are absolutely right. Don't let him move in with you until he has secured a decent job and kept it for at least 6 months. If he wants to move in with you and be an equal partner, that should incentivise him. Chances are he's looking for an easy life with you footing the bills. Alarm bells should be ringing here.

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 17:55

He can move in if he can pay half of all the bills
Don't let him move in otherwise

NeelixFelicis · 19/08/2019 18:00

He's worked only when he's had some mug one else to cushion the bills.

OP, I mean this nicely... but, where is your head at?! He is a workshy scrounger with delusions of superiority, he's too good to join the Rat Race when his unemployment benefits pay the rent, and the rest is for him alone. What is he actually bringing to the table? Except his foot under the door. Yuck.

Please do not move in with this man!

category12 · 19/08/2019 18:01

Noooooooooooo, hahaha.

Anyone who can happily sit unemployed for 8 years and claim they're better off on benefits has zero work ethic.

I wouldn't believe that he'll get a job if he can live with you. He's expecting you to fund his lifestyle. He's thinking he'll be bill-free. You'll be worse off and he'll be a millstone.

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 18:01

What benefits does he get? I don't get how he would get enough to live on as a single man , so either he also has a disability and gets DLA/ PIP(and more often than not even those aren't enough for most people)or he's lying to you/tax man and working cash in hand or whatever.

Either way,why would you want to be with someone that will only work if he can live with someone else?

KatherineJaneway · 19/08/2019 18:03

My family and friends are advising me not to let him move in but am I being selfish?

Not at all. He is a lazy sponger. He's looking for someone to pay his bills so he can sit on his arse all day. Bin him now!

category12 · 19/08/2019 18:03

Also, do you do much together? What about holidays and going out? Who pays for that sort of thing, in the 7 years (really?) you've been together?

elasticfantastic · 19/08/2019 18:04

It's people like him that give people who genuinely need benefit help a bad name. Tell him to get off his arse and get a job.

LordNibbler · 19/08/2019 18:11

So work is alright for the rest of us? But not him. How can a grown adult man be ok with other people working to fund him? Jesus Christ it makes me spit feathers. A lot of us don't want to work, but we do. Because that's what adult people do.
If he moves in with you and doesn't get or keep a job, are you ok with supporting him? I actually don't know how you can respect him.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 19/08/2019 18:12

Cocklodger alert!!! Do not let this man move in under any circumstances. He doesnt work because he likes it that way and moving in with you isn't going to change it!

HeyMonkey · 19/08/2019 18:15

NO!

That is not what unemployment benefits are for. If he's capable of working he should be. I'd have no respect for him as a partner. He's a leech and a cocklodger.

NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 18:17

Does he have a disability? I can't see how anyone would be better off on JSA than in work.

Isleepinahedgefund · 19/08/2019 18:20

Why does he need to move in with you to look for a job? I don't understand that. He can apply for a job wherever he lives. Things like that and you "hassling him to take any job" are huge alarm bells here OP - he won't get a job and you will never get rid of him.

BelulahBlanca · 19/08/2019 18:21

I think he would struggle to find employment after such a long time out of work. Doesn’t suggest the best work ethic.

ConfusedElla · 19/08/2019 18:30

Don't let him move in. I did this with an ex and I just think early days are meant to be happy times rather than the stress of no work. Wait until he is on a more level playing field. My ex only found work a year after he moved in.

ghostofharrenhal · 19/08/2019 18:35

Won't he lose his benefits if he moves in with you? Unless he is getting disability benefits.

Tell him he can move in once he's in secure employment!

PuffHuffle5 · 19/08/2019 18:39

I understood people can fall on tough times, but actively choosing to be on benefits rather than work because ‘they’d be better off’ is pretty pathetic. I don’t know how you can be attracted to someone like that tbh.

Sue1944 · 19/08/2019 18:43

Holidays together consist of a few days staying with my family who happen to live by the coast. I've paid for a few weekends away for his Christmas & birthday presents over the years, but other than that we don't go away anywhere.

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