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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner with no job

63 replies

Pan1920 · 19/08/2019 17:39

My partner and I are both in our mid 40s and have been dating for 7 years. He's very kind and compassionate, which is a breath of fresh air after my previous abusive marriage. He's been unemployed for the past 8 years and claims unemployment & housing benefits. There have been times in his life when he has worked, such as when he's been in a relationship with someone who has their own accommodation. (He says that he can't afford to live on his own as he's currently better off financially on benefits). During the past 7 years he has managed to retrain and has gained several high level qualifications which would enable him to find good employment, but he keeps saying he's still better off financially by not working. I have worked (full & part time) since I was 16, I own my own house outright and he's now asking to move in with me so that he can start looking for work. I'm a little concerned about him moving in as I'm not convinced of his work ethic. He's also very selective in what work he will undertake. I've spoken to him about my concerns and he tries to reassure me but also doesn't like me "hassling him into getting any old job". My family and friends are advising me not to let him move in but am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Sue1944 · 19/08/2019 18:51

He has no disability but has managed to convince the DWP that he is unfit for work by arriving to his assessments drunk, unkempt and refuses to talk to them coherently. They give up and recall him at a later date. He claims PIP and ESA.

category12 · 19/08/2019 18:55

Basically he's happy scraping by, doing nothing much, and sees you as a convenient option. No ambition, no drive for anything better himself.

Don't you want more out of life than that? What sort of life would you have together? Is that it?

Unburnished · 19/08/2019 18:56

You’re still in an abusive relationship OP. It’s just different to the last one.

He’s financially abusive, making you pay for him and his lifestyle.

Do not let him move in. Drunk at DWP meetings? No work in EIGHT years? Good god! Where are your standards? He’s using you.

If you let him in, he’ll never work again.

Get rid.

Lucyccfc68 · 19/08/2019 18:56

Never mind the cocklodger moving in with you - I'd just get rid of the good for nothing scrounger.

NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 18:58

Please report him for benefit fraud.

ghostofharrenhal · 19/08/2019 19:08

He has no disability but has managed to convince the DWP that he is unfit for work by arriving to his assessments drunk, unkempt and refuses to talk to them coherently. They give up and recall him at a later date. He claims PIP and ESA.

What an idiot, why are you with him?

Bookworm4 · 19/08/2019 19:12

Why did you even start dating him?
He’s committing benefit fraud and admitting it to you; why, why are you with him?

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 19:24

I dated someone last year for 8 months. He was on benefits and was claiming some disability benefit for 'OCD'. Turned out he was actually an alcoholic - I found his doctor's note.
Are you sure he's not actually an alcoholic?? And that is why he can't hold down a job?

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 19:25

He claimed ESA by the way. They do NOT give out ESA for nothing. You need a doctor's note to confirm your disability. He's lying to you!

madcatladyforever · 19/08/2019 19:28

Who on EARTH are you going out with this person, do you have low self esteem or fear being alone?
People don't change and you will be looking after him for the rest of your life.

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 19:43

He has no disability but has managed to convince the DWP that he is unfit for work by arriving to his assessments drunk, unkempt and refuses to talk to them coherently. They give up and recall him at a later date. He claims PIP and ESA.

And you're with him because....?

Can't be his morals,ethic,personality or honesty.

catwithnohat · 19/08/2019 19:50

You are completely off your trolley. The man has the morals/ethics that would put an alley cat to shame.

Lt him move in and he'll use you and abuse you.....ah hang on: he's already doing that.....Hmm

Bubbletrouble43 · 19/08/2019 19:59

Run run run. Just... no.

Bubbletrouble43 · 19/08/2019 20:05

Just read that he falsely claims disability benefits... the guy's scum. What would you see in a person like that?? People like him I hold responsible for genuine claimants like a dear friend of mine ( serious physical and mental health issues ) having their benefits scrutinised and removed and being the collateral damage as the government clamps down on fakers like your bloke. My friend was suicidal under the stress of it all. It took a year to sort out but is finally sorted now.

Bookworm4 · 19/08/2019 20:12

@Bubbletrouble43
Exactly, people have took their life after being sanctioned/refused DLA for genuine disabilities and OP is considering letting this lying thief move in?!? 😡

Figgygal · 19/08/2019 20:15

I'm surprised it's taken him this long to ask
Why is he now looking for a job?
What a waster

MitziK · 19/08/2019 20:16

More likely that he's failed an ESA medical - they don't - and can't - give somebody a free pass simply for being a piss head. Or he's actually got a serious mental illness that he isn't telling you about.

He's looking for a way to get his booze/heat/food/roof over his head for free - I'm willing to bet that the people he lived with did the working and he did precisely fuck all to get a job in the meantime, too.

Sounds like he's the type who would reluctantly get a job, move in and promptly jack it in a couple of months later, too.

JamesBlonde1 · 19/08/2019 20:19

Shocking!

He is happy for numerous people to pay tax to pay for our NHS, school the countries children, use paths and roads and all the other facilities he uses etc etc. Yet he doesn't want to pay a penny towards the cost? When he is perfectly capable of doing so?

I'm surprised you've lasted 7 years. I wouldn't have lasted 1 minute with the lazy, entitled bastard.

JamesBlonde1 · 19/08/2019 20:21

OP you must tell us, when you have such a strong work ethic, why you didn't expect it in your Partner (or anyone you choose to spend time with for that matter)?

JamesBlonde1 · 19/08/2019 20:22

Oh and when you dump him, report him too!

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 20:54

Oh my god just read this bit

He has no disability but has managed to convince the DWP that he is unfit for work by arriving to his assessments drunk, unkempt and refuses to talk to them coherently. They give up and recall him at a later date. He claims PIP and ESA.

What a cunt. Selfish, selfish cunt.

TimeForNewStart · 19/08/2019 21:05

he's now asking to move in with me so that he can start looking for work

Oh the romance!

MaeveDidIt · 19/08/2019 21:05

What a complete loser.
Pretending he's drunk with DWP - how can you respect this guy - all that education completely wasted on the lazy twat.
Agree with others - his main ambition in life is to be your cocklodger.
Leave the sad bastard.

MerryDeath · 19/08/2019 21:06

eurgh I would find that SO unattractive

MerryDeath · 19/08/2019 21:08

OP you say you've experienced an abusive marriage. so I'm concerned your self esteem is garbage and you are far too accepting of completely unacceptable and immoral behaviour. i implore you to work on yourself and sack off this idiot (and report him to DWP, the tosspot)