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Original poster

How do you define an affair?

65 replies

adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 06:44

I would like to know what others define as an affair.

My other half has been out of the country for nearly 4 week s volunteering as a sports instructor. Whilst there he meet another female instructor and they became very friendly . The lady in question created a blog about her time out there . In this blog there were various pictures of her with my oh with their arms wrapped around one another . When I challenged him about this he said there was nothing in it and they were just friends. He also informed me that he could have female as well as male friends.

After he arrived home he admitted they were very close friends but said that

nothing happens between them .

A few days after he came back I noticed he was messaging a lot on his phone. So one night after he had gone to bed I decided to check his phone. To my dismay I found that in one day the y had messaged each other 100 times.

On looking at the messages I found messages from him to her saying how they were missing one another. How one night he had dreamt that she was lying besides him in bed and when his alarm went off he realized to his disappointment it was only a dream. (At the time I was in bed with him)
Also he had lent her his hoodie. To which she replied that she had taken it to bed with her so that she could be close to him.

By this time I was furious and confronted him . He still insisted by nothing had gone on
In a recent message he told her that I would be out for the morning and that he could FaceTime her as he was desperate to see her beautiful smile.

After all this he still says nothing happened.

I love this man very much. But my head is telling me to leave and my heart to stay. We have been together three years and had a wonderful relationship he was kind caring and devoted to me (or so I thought).

I suppose what I am really asking is `should I go or stay?'.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 19/08/2019 09:37

What an absolute piece if work!

I'm also guessing him and his wife broke up because of these "friends" and his complete inability to maintain appropriate boundaries.

You're well rid of that one OP

Vasya · 19/08/2019 09:38

I wouldn't class it as an affair, but it's really inappropriate. Men and women can of course have close friendships, but if that's all it was he wouldn't be secretive about it and they wouldn't be texting about waking up next to one another.

The fact that he is minimising it and not listening to how you feel shows that he isn't prioritising you. He is behaving very badly.

user1479305498 · 19/08/2019 10:02

What a total shit. At least you know though OP. He clearly is a guy who likes the buzz of ‘new’ and once newness wears off is open to new again. Lots of women on here had this kind of shizzle going on for years without fully knowing.

ConfCall · 19/08/2019 10:14

It’s clear that you need to leave him.

I’d be inclined to message the woman for her sake (she may sincerely believe that he is single and contemplating a future with her). Just one message though, not a protracted chat (she’s not your responsibility, you need to prioritise your own enotional well-being).

NomDeQwerty · 19/08/2019 10:40

You know how there's always one person that you tell news to 'in confidence' when you definitely want the world and his wife to know all about it? Well you have the screenshots. You know who you need to share them with so they can give you advice.

NomDeQwerty · 19/08/2019 10:43

Then you just need to get your shit together and leave. No more involving the other woman or whatever. Maintain dignity and leave. I second what a PP said about his ex probably having good boundaries etc.
Honestly the man's a walking cliche.

sirmione16 · 19/08/2019 10:52

Stop trying to label it, look at it for what it is and decide has he over stepped a line? If so, is it forgiveable and can you work on it?

It's your personal opinion, and may depend on how he reacts to your decision as to what's unacceptable.

It's not black and white with these things, and majorly individual. Some can forgive this, some couldn't... But then some forgive full on other relationships and some can't. Take some time to think what you will accept and not, and what needs to be done if he has crossed a line.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 19/08/2019 11:50

Yeah, my DH OW also told me they were just friends and she didn't 'think of him in them ways'. Odd really as i saw messages where she told him she's wanked over him and wanted a dick pick so she could imagine sucking it 🤢. Dread to think how she messages those she DOES think of in 'them ways'.
Don't believe a word she says any more than what he says.

Robin2323 · 19/08/2019 13:17

Surely his friends will see right through his 'story'?

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 13:51

Robin2323

I do hope they do see through his story.

This has all been so stressful. I am now going to move out in a couple of weeks I have got to rent somewhere for a year until I get my property back from my tenants . This has all been within the space of a month

OP posts:
Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 13:53

I have decided that once I have moved out I am going to start telling his friends the truth but not whilst I am here with him

OP posts:
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 19/08/2019 14:13

That's an emotional affair. He's well overstepped the mark. I would leave, who wants to be someone's disappointing non-dream when they wake up in the morning?

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/08/2019 15:35

I have decided that once I have moved out I am going to start telling his friends the truth but not whilst I am here with him

Definitely do that @adagiok5. On top of that people do realise in the end.

My ex told his close friends that I had walked out on him and he didn't understand why Hmm. He chose not to tell the truth that I had found out about his OW because obviously he didn't want to admit what a cheating shit he was. Lots of his work colleagues knew the truth as my friend's SIL works with him and the OW. Then when they went 'public', a sensible few months after I had 'left' some of their colleagues said it wasn't fooling them.

Get through the next few weeks the best you can and once you move, please just block the arsehole, get on with your life and be relieved you are out of that situation. Masses of good luck to you. I know it can't be easy still living there. x

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 16:47

Thank you Pinkmonkeybird

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 19/08/2019 17:02

I think it's more than an emotional affair if there are pictures of them with their arms around each other and they say they want to be in bed together. An emotional affair to me means no physical touching or talk of sex.
His inability to admit it was wrong means you are well rid of him. Not sure Id bother contacting his friends if they aren't your friends too as they may not care who he has sex with or may choose to believe him over you. Focus on your friends and support network.
Sorry it's all gone so wrong.

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