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Original poster

How do you define an affair?

65 replies

adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 06:44

I would like to know what others define as an affair.

My other half has been out of the country for nearly 4 week s volunteering as a sports instructor. Whilst there he meet another female instructor and they became very friendly . The lady in question created a blog about her time out there . In this blog there were various pictures of her with my oh with their arms wrapped around one another . When I challenged him about this he said there was nothing in it and they were just friends. He also informed me that he could have female as well as male friends.

After he arrived home he admitted they were very close friends but said that

nothing happens between them .

A few days after he came back I noticed he was messaging a lot on his phone. So one night after he had gone to bed I decided to check his phone. To my dismay I found that in one day the y had messaged each other 100 times.

On looking at the messages I found messages from him to her saying how they were missing one another. How one night he had dreamt that she was lying besides him in bed and when his alarm went off he realized to his disappointment it was only a dream. (At the time I was in bed with him)
Also he had lent her his hoodie. To which she replied that she had taken it to bed with her so that she could be close to him.

By this time I was furious and confronted him . He still insisted by nothing had gone on
In a recent message he told her that I would be out for the morning and that he could FaceTime her as he was desperate to see her beautiful smile.

After all this he still says nothing happened.

I love this man very much. But my head is telling me to leave and my heart to stay. We have been together three years and had a wonderful relationship he was kind caring and devoted to me (or so I thought).

I suppose what I am really asking is `should I go or stay?'.

OP posts:
Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:04

Nomdequerty

I have photographed some of the messages. Mainly to stop my mind playing tricks with me. When I start to think that I have overreacted and I may forgive him. I read them and think otherwise

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 19/08/2019 08:10

He was disappointed that he wasn't waking up with her and that was when you were in bed with him?
That's just disrespectful.
Leave.

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:17

Today 07:46 Skittlenommer

Why have you not ended this relationship already???

Because he had only been back a week and I discovered all this last Thursday

OP posts:
Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:35

I would like to thank everyone for their prompt replies.

It has been a heartbreaking situation for me . I supported him on this trip away . We have been together for three years and it has been the happiest I have ever felt in my life . All of my friends were so happy for me .

The awful thing is that he has told people that we are going to split up because I apparently looked on his phone and had read that he told all the people that he met that he was missing them and that I couldn't handle it. He has said that he is unable to stay with such an insecure person . And the worst bit ' I am just like his ex wife'.

To me the above is a double blow. Not withstanding that I was the one who said it was over.

I realise that I am very fortunate in the fact that my children are all grown up and have their own houses (so no dependents ). I also own a house which I have let. Sadly I can't move back straight away as I have to give notice to tenants. I do realise that others in my situation are not so fortunate and do not have these practicalities.

But the betrayal is terrible and the double betrayal of what he is saying to others.

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 19/08/2019 08:38

They were away for four weeks together, grew that close but didn't get intimate?
Not buying it.
On the very small chance they didn't take a moment to imagine what any of your friends would say if you sent them some of those messages, or what you'd think if you received them. I adore my best friend but if she said she slept with an item of my clothing cos she missed me I'd be telling her she was being weird as fuck. And we've been best friends for over 20 years. And are really close, and she lives really far away. These two knew each other four weeks.

Angelf1sh · 19/08/2019 08:38

Yeah well he’d look bad if he told them “I had a fling whilst I was away and now she’s found out” so instead he has to make you look crazy and irrational. Then everyone will think he was right to dump you and will understand when he suddenly develops feelings for his close friend who supported him through his break up 🙄

TheCatInAHat · 19/08/2019 08:41

He’s having an affair and gas lighting you. You don’t need his permission to leave him.

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 08:42

He's in the wrong and is immature as fuck.

From your OP I honestly thought you were in your early twenties, not old enough to have adult children.

Is he going through a mid-life crisis or does he always go crying to his friends?

sleepynewmumxo · 19/08/2019 08:45

I've recently found out my husband has been unfaithful, but there was no "love" between them. I threw him out for a week, took off my wedding rings, and made him sweat, beg and cry. We have two very young children together so adds complications. If we didn't have kids, he wouldn't be here. But we have agreed to try marriage counselling to try and salvage what we can.

Do you have children together?

Kubo · 19/08/2019 08:45

And the worst bit ' I am just like his ex wife'.

Why is this the worst bit? If he has told all about his crazy insecure ex-wife, perhaps this situation might make you see things a bit differently?

Mummyshark2018 · 19/08/2019 08:49

He's lying and he's now trying to massively down play and make out to others that you're in the wrong. Given you've no ties I would leave ASAP.

sleepynewmumxo · 19/08/2019 08:49

Saw you have grown up children, and your financially secure. You know yourself you should leave. It doesn't sound like he's particularly invested in saving the marriage tbh.

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:51

AmIThough

He's in the wrong and is immature as fuck.

From your OP I honestly thought you were in your early twenties, not old enough to have adult children.

Is he going through a mid-life crisis or does he always go crying to his friends?

No I am not in my twenties( I wish). I am 60 and had a big celebration before he went away just over a month ago. I even brought my party forward a week so that he could be there to celebrate with me. He is three years younger than me

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 19/08/2019 08:51

He told people that you were too insecure?

Classic move.....

Glad to hear you have some options.

I'd be tempted to air b & b or find a room to rent until your house is available.

( is it his house you're living in?)

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:53

sleepynewmumxo

I've recently found out my husband has been unfaithful, but there was no "love" between them. I threw him out for a week, took off my wedding rings, and made him sweat, beg and cry. We have two very young children together so adds complications. If we didn't have kids, he wouldn't be here. But we have agreed to try marriage counselling to try and salvage what we can.

Do you have children together?

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

No we don't have children together. I have one from my previous marriage and he has two from his marriage.

OP posts:
sleepynewmumxo · 19/08/2019 08:57

How long have you been married?

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 08:57

IamtheOA

He told people that you were too insecure?

Classic move.....

Glad to hear you have some options.

I'd be tempted to air b & b or find a room to rent until your house is available.

( is it his house you're living in

Yes it is his house. But he has kindly said (sick bucket moment) there is no rush for me to go.

The difficult thing is I run a business from home and I have already moved all my clients 1 year ago when we moved in together. And now I have got to tell them all that we are moving back again.

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 19/08/2019 08:58

I'd be finished with the relationship purely based on what he's told friends.

Add the messages etc and there would be no question. Flowers

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 09:00

sleepynewmumxo

How long have you been married

We are not actually married we were in a relationship for two years and then decided to move in together. We moved to his house which is 6 miles up the road as his is bigger

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 19/08/2019 09:03

The awful thing is that he has told people that we are going to split up because I apparently looked on his phone and had read that he told all the people that he met that he was missing them and that I couldn't handle it. He has said that he is unable to stay with such an insecure person . And the worst bit ' I am just like his ex wife'.

Well he would say that as he needs and excuse to validate his affair when they decide to go public about their relationship.

Rest assured, they will keep a low profile and as soon as you have moved out/moved on, they will give a 'sensible' period of time before coming out as a couple. It's just such a cliche. He will use everything he can to blame you rather than taking stock of his on part in this.

I did the same and photographed messages between my ex and his OW, it was very similar with platitudes of "I miss your beautiful face", "I miss you so much and wish you here with me" and cutesy emojis. It was very quite pathetic in hindsight.

This is NOT your fault at all, just remember that. He will use any excuse to justify his actions.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 09:09

Did his ex wife have strong boundaries, a sense of self worth and a low tolerance for bullshit too?!

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 09:12

Pinkmonkeybird

**Rest assured, they will keep a low profile and as soon as you have moved out/moved on, they will give a 'sensible' period of time before coming out as a couple. It's just such a cliche. He will use everything he can to blame you rather than taking stock of his on part in this

This is exactly what think they will do

OP posts:
KUGA · 19/08/2019 09:15

Agree with Mileysmiley 100%.
I would txt her from his phone too.and make out it`s him you will have the answer then.
If you contact her and it takes 5 mins/5 hrs or 5yrs or however long it takes do it.
She needs to know your onto her.
I would do all of the above.
Then leave.

Whataliberty · 19/08/2019 09:24

What a crap situation for you I am so sorry, you must be terribly hurt. Definitely leave.
They are having a full blown affair.

Yes, you have alot of practical stuff to sort but I would get on with it and don't look back.

It's not worth the pain or worry. You will be happy again ahead in time.

Original poster
adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 09:26

Agree with Mileysmiley 100%.
I would txt her from his phone too.and make out it`s him you will have the answer then.
If you contact her and it takes 5 mins/5 hrs or 5yrs or however long it takes do it.
She needs to know your onto her.
I would do all of the above.
Then leave.

I have texted her. When I was looking at the messages whilst he was in bed. I put a message in saying how totally betrayed I felt. In the hope that he would see it in the morning. Then to my amazement the other woman replied. Also saying there was nothing in it. Then proceeded to give me her horrendous life history. She justified this by saying that my OH had helped her because she had had a shit life and that was all it was . She even wanted to come and see me to prove it was nothing . But she was also sending him messages saying how the day dragged until his next message came. She was single by the way.

While she was ranting on about her life I just kept texting ' not my problem '

OP posts:
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