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Original poster

How do you define an affair?

65 replies

adagiok5 · 19/08/2019 06:44

I would like to know what others define as an affair.

My other half has been out of the country for nearly 4 week s volunteering as a sports instructor. Whilst there he meet another female instructor and they became very friendly . The lady in question created a blog about her time out there . In this blog there were various pictures of her with my oh with their arms wrapped around one another . When I challenged him about this he said there was nothing in it and they were just friends. He also informed me that he could have female as well as male friends.

After he arrived home he admitted they were very close friends but said that

nothing happens between them .

A few days after he came back I noticed he was messaging a lot on his phone. So one night after he had gone to bed I decided to check his phone. To my dismay I found that in one day the y had messaged each other 100 times.

On looking at the messages I found messages from him to her saying how they were missing one another. How one night he had dreamt that she was lying besides him in bed and when his alarm went off he realized to his disappointment it was only a dream. (At the time I was in bed with him)
Also he had lent her his hoodie. To which she replied that she had taken it to bed with her so that she could be close to him.

By this time I was furious and confronted him . He still insisted by nothing had gone on
In a recent message he told her that I would be out for the morning and that he could FaceTime her as he was desperate to see her beautiful smile.

After all this he still says nothing happened.

I love this man very much. But my head is telling me to leave and my heart to stay. We have been together three years and had a wonderful relationship he was kind caring and devoted to me (or so I thought).

I suppose what I am really asking is `should I go or stay?'.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 19/08/2019 06:49

He's lying.
In any case what you have there is an emotional affair. If it was just friendship he wouldn't have been secretive with his phone. Photograph the most intimate messages so you have a record.
Say nothing to him for now.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 19/08/2019 06:50

I would class that as an affair. If the roles were reversed he wouldn't be ok with it would he? Also it's the lack of apology and unwillingness to stop.
Sorry OP

NomDeQwerty · 19/08/2019 06:51

You don't need a reason to leave. You can just leave because you want to. I'd say nothing or he'll prevent you from accessing his messages. What to see how they develop if you feel you need proof.

NomDeQwerty · 19/08/2019 06:52

Wait to see

Phimma · 19/08/2019 06:54

They're having an affair, no doubt in my mind.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 06:57

That is an affair

You would be a mug to stay

Ginger1982 · 19/08/2019 06:58

They may not have had actual sex, but it sounds like they've done everything but that! To me, there doesn't need to have been penetrative intimacy for it to be an affair!

Kubo · 19/08/2019 06:59

Wait to see what? Those messages constitute proof enough, they are bad enough without anything else having happened. I can’t believe he managed to say with a straight face that nothing is going on.

notapizzaeater · 19/08/2019 06:59

If it was so innocent he could have FaceTimed her whilst you was there.

Worrywart21 · 19/08/2019 07:01

Absolutely out of order.

He says nothing has happened but those messages are “something”. Unacceptable and I would never stay.

Rarfy · 19/08/2019 07:01

Affair or not he feels that strongly about someone else, I couldn't cope with that. You deserve better. Leave.

Witchinaditch · 19/08/2019 07:02

Sounds like an emotion affair

Mileysmiley · 19/08/2019 07:02

That is bad ... I would confront her about it and hear her side of the story. Men can be such liars imo

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 07:07

Leave her out of it. This is between you and him.

Alloftit · 19/08/2019 07:11

Ffs, what more do you need? He’s said it himself he’s completely obsessed with another woman and they’re dreaming about being in bed together. Get him out, how could you continue to be with someone who feels that strongly about someone else?

Cecilandsnail · 19/08/2019 07:11

That's an affair. Sorry your husband is such a shit! If I told any one of my male friends that I'd dreamt they were laying next to me they'd think I'd lost my mind. Same for hoody. The only acceptable interaction over lending clothes is 'thanks for the lend, I've washed it and posted it back'. Those texts are coupley. Even if not physical affair, it's 100% an emotional one. What are you going to do about it?

ChangingStates · 19/08/2019 07:11

So sorry OP. If all is as he says and nothing physical has happened he is still in an emotional relationship with her. My Stbx had a similar thing- I discovered messages and none quite as blatant as wanting to wake up next to her etc, but yes one day over 100. He claimed just friends. I stayed for various reasons but it was the start of the end. My self esteem plummeted, I became anxious, I phone checked and just couldn't feel the same trust after that. However I would be lying if I didn't say we had other issues too. A couple of years later in marriage counselling he admitted they had actually kissed, never more- but who knows- and it's that who knows that's the killer.
I wish you luck op, be strong.

Superted2 · 19/08/2019 07:25

What an arse. Try to stay strong and have dignity, it will help you in the long term. But you do need to end it, or he does. This is not fair on you.

Flerkin · 19/08/2019 07:26

I would believe something happened between them. Or they have discussed it or at least had some physical contact.

No one tells a a friend that they dreamt of being in bed with them. I have dreamt I have slept with people who are friends. I wake up thinking 'what the actual fuck? Urg' because I dont want to have sex with these people.

Not disappointed I wasnt in bed with them. And I certainly wouldnt tell them, especially if I was already with someone. It's disrespectful for a Start. I cant help the dream, but I can help disrespecting my partner by telling the person and telling them I was disappointed to wake up to my dp and not them.

Bakingberry · 19/08/2019 07:32

If I was in your situation it wouldn't matter to me if that'd had sex. He clearly has feeling for this woman and she feels the same. He shouldn't be pursuing this while still in a relationship with you. X

Mileysmiley · 19/08/2019 07:33

@Anyfucker

It is not just between him and her ... there is now a third person involved in this marriage. I would want to talk to her if she was friends with my husband.

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 07:36

He was disappointed she wasn't in bed with him.
She took his hoodie to bed with her (weird).
He's calling her beautiful.

That's 100% an affair.

ravenmum · 19/08/2019 07:37

This was the kind of message that I found at first. I thought he was thinking about having an affair. He said they were talking about his mother dying. Turned out later that at that point, they'd been sleeping together for months, basically from a few weeks after they'd met.

It's not like he's just going to admit to it. Keep quiet, look out for more evidence and prepare for the future.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 07:46

Why have you not ended this relationship already???

Angelf1sh · 19/08/2019 07:52

It’s perfectly ok and innocent to have opposite (or same if you’re gay) sex friends, I have lots. I’ve never once told any male friend that I slept in an item of clothing of his so that I could feel close to him. They’re definitely having an affair. It’s up to you if you hang around waiting for more evidence, but what you’ve seen would be enough for me.

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