Wasting my time?

[outherealone]

Hi all. I have a dilemma. I have a very lovely and beautiful boyfriend. He’s quite successful and he’s bright and funny and kind and we have great sex.
We’re very much in love, make each other laugh loads and have a lot of in depth conversations about all subjects.
We both have kids from previous relationships. Most of the time we are together is fantastic but a couple of things bother me.
He’s hugely into partying and festivals (he’s not young) and despite being on top of his game at work and managing a lot at home, he really lives for partying. Most of his social circle is fellow party heads and a lot of his attention revolves around prepping for the next big gig.
This not only slightly bores me but they take a lot of party drugs and I am amazed how easily he seems to bounce back.
I have tried to join him in the partying but it doesn’t suit my lifestyle. I’ve tried to ignore it and let him crack on and do his thing but I find myself slightly jealous and resentful. He has a hugely mixed group of friends and age ranges and types, lots in the music biz but predominantly they’re much younger women, all very glam, a few of whom he’s had relationships with prior to us getting together.
It is quite stressful even though I appreciate the time to myself when he’s gone and I’m always busy and have a lot of friends etc I can’t help being on edge and paranoid until he’s back. Of course when I hear from him he’s usually pretty much out of it or in full celebration mode and I feel quite disconnected from him. This is the hardest time of year but there’s parties all year round. He said he’s making up for his youth where he married and had kids very young whereas I got al my partying out of my system back then. We have great times when we go out with friends etc and it’s not all hardcore but I sometimes feel I can’t rise to the occasion as much as he’d like or as much as previous partners have.
He’s assured me he loves me and is faithful and I do believe him but at the same time he’s also told me this is part of who he is and he’s never going to change or stop. We’ve been together a year and I’m fed up with playing the cool girlfriend.
Should I just walk away now even though we have been making tentative plans for a future and he ticks all my other boxes? We have so much love and affection for each other and communication is great apart from this (major) issue.

I certainly couldn't put up with his lifestyle, no matter how wonderful he might be in other ways. The drug use would be a total deal breaker for me, never mind the constant parties and festivals. It's a shame, but I just don't think you're compatible.

How often are these parties? Do you spend most weekends together?

It wouldn’t be for me personally tbh.

Thank you @aquamarine
It’s tricky because most of the people I know are in this lifestyle of either drugs or heavy drinking, even the completely drug free friends drink to excess and get messy at least once a week. I feel very much the minority and isolated as don’t have any family connection due to estrangement from mentally unwell parents.
It may be that I let people stay in my life longer than I should,
I love him very much and our connection and especially his physical presence but just the communication.
I’m working very hard to create a good healthy and happy life for me and my kids and have been working on eliminating toxic influences from our lives. Sadly it is leaving me with nobody at all.
This guy fulfills a lot of needs for me. When he’s not party focused he’s very attentive and affectionate and loving. I literally have nobody else who checks on my well-being ever!
I’m frightened if I do away with him I’ll have nobody at all.
I came to parenting late in life so have nothing in common with school mums. I work long hours, as does my kids’ dad and I have no other way of meeting people.
I met this guy online and there’s no way I want to put myself out there again for another round of disastrous dates and potential heartbreak!
Maybe the truth beneath all this is that I’m lonely and clinging to him as I have nobody else. He takes me to amazing places and is so full of life and joie de vivre!

@Takemebacktolondon they’re probably at least every six weeks, more in the summer as festival season but because all his friends are connected to the biz he’s invited to everything all the time.
We spend a lot of weekends together, sometimes just us, sometimes our kids, sometimes with my friends or his. We don’t live together or even very near each other so when we’re together for weekends it’s pretty intense love affair kind of stuff.

I don't think he should have to change. Hes told you who he is so either accept it or not. He shouldn't have to conform to your values.

Every six weeks is reasonable.

I agree with Feckers.

Party drugs. Drink. Getting 'messy'. I'd be out, personally.

Christ NO.... find a relationship with a person that cherishes you OP, that wants to build a future with you and your kids not counting down the days until his next big FES and Drug sesh

@Feckers2018 I haven’t asked anyone to conform to anything!
I have just asked whether people think it’s worth persevering with the intense loveliness when we’re together which I have never experienced before or should I kog bother because this will always be a thing?
I do know couples who have very separate lives and are seemingly happy, especially in this arena. There’s often one person in the relationship who wants the wild times while the other hangs at home and does their thing.
Maybe their more together than I am!

Many years ago I was some body I really loved.
But he liked a drink.
I can take it or leave it.

And at the moment I'm bord of it and fed up of hang overs - even with one drink.

I'm married to dh who is of the sane mind

Ex - some 30 years later I'd still partying

He's with a lovely lady who is the same.

Its a hard one OP because I think when lifestyles differ so much, it can eventually start to cause problems. I'm not a party animal by any means but I do like the odd night out or a drink in the house at the weekend. If I met someone who just didn't like going out at all, not sure I would like that.
I think my concern here would be the drug taking. His choice of course but its not very responsible when you have children. And also, I would have thought he would have grown out of all that by now.
Sadly though, this is who he is so you have to decide if you can accept it.

Yeah it’s a puzzler for sure. Nothing irresponsible happens around the children. We have talked a bit about it this weekend and there’s no intention of him changing his ways and I wouldn’t ask him to anyway. That way lies deception and madness or at the very least, resentment.

I do enjoy partying and a big night out just not to their extremes and I’d hate for anyone to ask me to curtail anything.

It really is a tricky one
My ex was a party animal and we used to have such fun.

My dp enjoys staying in.
Tonight I'm cooking a yummy meal while dh had been working really hard outside (sorted garden and garage out)

I can see him from the window and I just couldn't love him more.

But I like s night and though we do go out we tend to come in after eating so not late

Maybe it's middle age lol

I wouldn't want to go out without him though as I would miss him...... does you dp ever cancel night out to be with you ?

Hi,
I met someone a year ago, we had both been in long marriages previously (we’re in our late 40’s)
It was a big love job, he’s handsome, successful, fun and fantastic company.

However, around 4 months in he confessed that he sometimes used cocaine on nights out. I wasn’t happy about it but I discussed it with a close girlfriend (her husband is his friend) and she said they have always done it and she turned a blind eye.
I decided to do the same. You can’t change someone. You either accept them or jog on really. It has altered my expectations from the relationship. He’s probably not forever, but I’m having a nice time for now.

When you get into a relationship with someone, you get all of them. Not just the bits you like (unfortunately)

In your position i think I’d have more of an issue with him hanging out with the young hotties who are old flames and getting off his face. He wants a party life and that’s not you. it’s creating disconnection and resentment for you.
It sounds like he’s not what you want really.
If you can’t just accept him for who he is and what you get from the relationship then as tough as it seems you’re probably better moving on xx

Getting shit faced with hot young girls he's shagged before?

Oh fuck that.

I worked on a reception desk in a block of offices, and one floor was Social Services. People used to hang around and chat to me, and one day a very candid young guy started talking to me about how he had gotten clean from hard drug use and had to remove all of his old friends and family from his life, which left him with no one. That was a profound moment for me, it made me realise that sometimes it’s worth being lonely and ‘starting again’, if it means protecting yourself.

The bottom line is, your guy doing this every six days or six weeks makes no difference- it bothers you. I strongly believe that someone who regularly gets out of it on drugs or drink is trying to avoid life in some way. Is that ok for you? Really think about what you want.

This could eat away at you. Maybe it’s better to be alone and that might give you the push you need to make yourself talk to people you wouldn’t normally speak to.

What age is he? Personally I think drug taking after a certain age looks a bit sad.

Are you saying every 6 weeks he goes out and gets drunk or every 6 weeks he gets out of his head for a full weekend?

The problem is that you're not happy doing your own thing, while he does his, and then enjoying your time together. You're paranoid and fretful while he's partying.

Personally I would choose contented and single, over extreme highs and lows in a relationship. He's very clear that this is his lifestyle and it just doesn't sound like you're compatible or that there is a future in it.

He sounds like a slightly informal Hareem Keeper Peter Pan, I’d be off like a shot, sounds quite sad imho. Value the experience for what it was but time for a change.

Ah thank you everyone for your responses. Maybe this is something I need to work on at a deeper level.
It comes up frequently that I’m very much alone in this world despite having a lot of friends and lively social life there’s nobody for me. I can’t work out if he’s part of the vestiges of my old life I need to let go in order to make way for a new life!
I’m very attached to him and still very attracted to him, mentally and physically. He’s very dynamic and knowledgeable and we just bounce off each other conversationally and sexually etc.
He does now realise how I feel and wants to cement our relationship now. We’ve talked about the other women and he’s very reassuring and reasonable and says his contact and communication with them is completely different since our relationship became serious but I don’t know if it’s what I need. I feel I should give him a chance because of all that we have in common but I also feel that he is not going to change his habits, they’re a big part of his life and his whole social circle and even his family is massively entrenched in this lifestyle. I’m not important enough for him to want to I’ve up all of that especially when I’ve only been with him a relatively short time in comparison to these friends and gigs.
He doesn’t show any signs of addiction (that I can see) but would definitely take whatever’s on offer at anytime. He appears to have complete control over his life.
He has cancelled once to be with me of his own accord but it wasn’t a planned event it was spur of the moment and I could have joined but was too tired after a big weekend already so he chose to come home with me although I was happy to leave him behind.
I’d say the big nights are every six weeks or so, obviously much more frequently during the summer every other week or every three weeks with ‘normal’ nights out interspersed.
We also do other stuff like movies, dinner, outdoors healthy pursuits etc
Extreme highs and lows do not suit me at all! I do sometimes feel it’s a bit sad when I compare him to the average age of all the festival goers but as someone who thrives on live music and dancing myself I can understand why he doesn’t want to let it go. I know lots of people our age who still go out and do similar things.
I have to decide whether the anxiety is worth it for the good times I guess.

I don't see what the problem is. It's fairly infrequent and it doesn't seem like he's not available when you want him to be.

I think you are overthinking it for now. It is quite new to both of you.

You need to work on you. Being ok to choose to be with him or not, rather than needing something from him that he isn't offering currently.

Either the relationship will naturally develop a happy medium, or you will wake up one day and realise that you want/deserve more. Can you ride it until then, or is this now?

@chickenyhead I just don’t know I think a year is enough to see all the seasons! I could maybe ride it out...