Wasting my time?

[outherealone]

Hi all. I have a dilemma. I have a very lovely and beautiful boyfriend. He’s quite successful and he’s bright and funny and kind and we have great sex.
We’re very much in love, make each other laugh loads and have a lot of in depth conversations about all subjects.
We both have kids from previous relationships. Most of the time we are together is fantastic but a couple of things bother me.
He’s hugely into partying and festivals (he’s not young) and despite being on top of his game at work and managing a lot at home, he really lives for partying. Most of his social circle is fellow party heads and a lot of his attention revolves around prepping for the next big gig.
This not only slightly bores me but they take a lot of party drugs and I am amazed how easily he seems to bounce back.
I have tried to join him in the partying but it doesn’t suit my lifestyle. I’ve tried to ignore it and let him crack on and do his thing but I find myself slightly jealous and resentful. He has a hugely mixed group of friends and age ranges and types, lots in the music biz but predominantly they’re much younger women, all very glam, a few of whom he’s had relationships with prior to us getting together.
It is quite stressful even though I appreciate the time to myself when he’s gone and I’m always busy and have a lot of friends etc I can’t help being on edge and paranoid until he’s back. Of course when I hear from him he’s usually pretty much out of it or in full celebration mode and I feel quite disconnected from him. This is the hardest time of year but there’s parties all year round. He said he’s making up for his youth where he married and had kids very young whereas I got al my partying out of my system back then. We have great times when we go out with friends etc and it’s not all hardcore but I sometimes feel I can’t rise to the occasion as much as he’d like or as much as previous partners have.
He’s assured me he loves me and is faithful and I do believe him but at the same time he’s also told me this is part of who he is and he’s never going to change or stop. We’ve been together a year and I’m fed up with playing the cool girlfriend.
Should I just walk away now even though we have been making tentative plans for a future and he ticks all my other boxes? We have so much love and affection for each other and communication is great apart from this (major) issue.

Forgot to say -so they all (including his young adult) kids drink a lot and take drugs together (?) .. sounds very healthy and functional. Not really what you want your infuencable kids exposed to, if you were to get more involved.

Does this include his ex? What does she make of it all?
Why did they break up (suppose you've only has his side - "did everything too young and grew apart" could cover up a lot of shit).

When you see eg celebrity children whose parents were permissive and "cool" - they tend to end up.fkec up and actually wishing in retrospect that their parents had cared about them enough not to encourage them to drink heavily and do drugs.

*Influence-able

Not a word, I know 😁.

(if not encourage - at least be tolerant/indulgent of it).

but they take a lot of party drugs
This would be my deal-breaker.
But this is your life and your decision.
Could you just enjoy it for another couple of months and see how it goes?
You seem to be very into him and the same vice-versa.

@GilbertMarkham he’s had a lot of relationships since then, she was a very long time ago and it sounds like they just weren’t very mature. I agree with everything you say!

@hellsbellsmelons thanks for your reply. I really would love it to continue because it fulfills a lot of my needs but I also feel at the moment I’m not being true to myself and if I stay wth him I’m always going to be compromising on my values. It’s a very strange state of affairs because we’re very much in love. Having talked extensively this weekend I know he’ll work harder in future to reassure me...

Only you can answer this, OP.

Some people would be fine with a bender every 6 weeks. Some won't tolerate drugs at all. There's no 'right' answer - just you knowing where your red lines are.

But please don't stay with him just because you think you won't do better - that's a sad way to live.

What has he promised to reassure you about?

he’s had a lot of relationships since then

I wonder why..

Party girls who are younger than him didn't last ... Women closer to his own age are going to have kids already - or want kids - and the party lifestyle is not compatible.

You are not compatible because you are leaving behind the partying drink and drugs and he isn't. Wouldn't it be better to split up and develop your own sense of direction, of what you want going forward and who you are/ want to become. Relationships should be opportunities for personal growth and development, but it sounds s if this one will hold you back

But you're not comfortable with it, you don't feel compatible with it; and even if your kids were older, you don't really want to be part of what he does (of what is a big part of his life).

This is what the first while seeing someone is about; getting to know them well and seeing to what extent you're compatible. Unfortunately by a few years (or even months) in you're emotionally attached and there's v possibly pain involved in ending it but .... What can you do.

You're not happy with that aspect of his life, it's an incompatability; he's not going to change. You need to be free to meet someone who's a better fit.

Oh and his lifestyle and it's influence on his kids, them sharing it - is probably going to come back and bite him in the ass. Also I feel sorry for them; if he and their mum split a whole ago (when they were teenagers?) and he's been in a pile of relationships with mostly younger women. I'm sure it all cool on the surface but was it?

I think his ex would enlighten you on a few things if you ever got talking to her candidly (which is probably unlikely).

*while ago

You will meet other people if you give yourself plenty of opportunities to.

@Takemebacktolondon the reassurance was mainly around his commitment to me/us and that he maintains appropriate boundaries with exes and women friends...

I’ve had a lot of relationships too. Mainly because I’m rubbish at dealing with red flags and often choose to ignore them because of what I perceive to be the gains at the time.
Not sure I could be arsed to put in any efforts for a new relationship if this one doesn’t work out. Takes up too much headspace.

@joystir59, I don’t like what you’re saying but I know 100% you’re right

@vasya he’s the first person I’ve met n a long time who has the same sense of humour as me as well as the curiosity for the world and all the stuff that makes being in love fun. He’s adventurous and motivated, energetic, creative, able to laugh at himself, kind and blah blah clever and I’m very attracted to him physically as well as mentally. It’s not that I can’t do better but I am a very quirky character and it’s not always easy for me to find people who I click with or where we get each other.
But I am also trying to make a different life to the one I had growing up. He doesn’t carry any chaos with him but I I guess it could come and a few of his closer companions definitely have some chaotic tendencies.

But just because he’s the first one in a while that ticks all those boxes... does that mean that’s it? You probably thought you wouldn’t find anyone like him, prior to meeting, but you did. It will happen.

@Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain I know....