Wasting my time?

[outherealone]

Hi all. I have a dilemma. I have a very lovely and beautiful boyfriend. He’s quite successful and he’s bright and funny and kind and we have great sex.
We’re very much in love, make each other laugh loads and have a lot of in depth conversations about all subjects.
We both have kids from previous relationships. Most of the time we are together is fantastic but a couple of things bother me.
He’s hugely into partying and festivals (he’s not young) and despite being on top of his game at work and managing a lot at home, he really lives for partying. Most of his social circle is fellow party heads and a lot of his attention revolves around prepping for the next big gig.
This not only slightly bores me but they take a lot of party drugs and I am amazed how easily he seems to bounce back.
I have tried to join him in the partying but it doesn’t suit my lifestyle. I’ve tried to ignore it and let him crack on and do his thing but I find myself slightly jealous and resentful. He has a hugely mixed group of friends and age ranges and types, lots in the music biz but predominantly they’re much younger women, all very glam, a few of whom he’s had relationships with prior to us getting together.
It is quite stressful even though I appreciate the time to myself when he’s gone and I’m always busy and have a lot of friends etc I can’t help being on edge and paranoid until he’s back. Of course when I hear from him he’s usually pretty much out of it or in full celebration mode and I feel quite disconnected from him. This is the hardest time of year but there’s parties all year round. He said he’s making up for his youth where he married and had kids very young whereas I got al my partying out of my system back then. We have great times when we go out with friends etc and it’s not all hardcore but I sometimes feel I can’t rise to the occasion as much as he’d like or as much as previous partners have.
He’s assured me he loves me and is faithful and I do believe him but at the same time he’s also told me this is part of who he is and he’s never going to change or stop. We’ve been together a year and I’m fed up with playing the cool girlfriend.
Should I just walk away now even though we have been making tentative plans for a future and he ticks all my other boxes? We have so much love and affection for each other and communication is great apart from this (major) issue.

@outherealone
I think you probably know then, you just need to get to the definitely knowing stage. It wont be long. But it is scary and painful.

You do deserve more. He is choosing not to adult. That is his choice. Now you are deciding to be alone without hope for a better outcome, or with hope.

Sending hugs xxxxx

@chickenyhead thank so much for the hugs. Hugely needed right now! And for taking time to reply.
Another relationship bites the dust!
All the best to you too xx

Fuck no what's he doing hanging around with young women ? Me and my mates would tell him to feic off ! Creep

Ha! @SwordofGryffindor he’s not that old and they’re not teenagers or girls just average ten years younger than him. he’s not the only older person in the group nor is he the only one with exes.
They definitely don’t consider him a creep but a friend, I’ve been there when they phone him and message him, ‘tag’ him in plenty on social media, and comment on his stuff. He’s a good looking guy and looks younger than he is. They are all full of love for each other. Don’t forget this is festival and party world, There’s no shortage of love flying around to me it feels weird but to them it’s like they’re all family and this is partly why it’s such a big deal to him, his main friends are his party friends so mainly only meet face to face at these events where they have intense good times together for days.

How old is he?

Early 40s

I'm way 40s and have been to relaxed small scale festival where the late 30s/early 40s arrived at dusk (!), having presumably left baby sitters in charge, generally with their partners and roughly same age friends. It also seemed like an irregular/once on s blue moon thing for them.
Plus they didn't seem to be doing drugs.

Doing it frequently, getting off your face, getting off with people a good it younger than you ... Not a good look.

And it will only look worse, and sadder, the older he gets; esp when his kids are likely to be at some of the same ones. Who wants to be around (or avoid) Dad, off his face, getting off with women ten yrs or more younger when you're out enjoying yourself as a teen-age/ young person.

*in my

The drugs are an issue too. So, he apparently managed to hold down a great career while doing it .. not impossible that that might slip.

But anyway, call me judgemental, but I find people over a certain age engaging regulaly in heavy drinking, drugs etc to be mal adjusted, immature, dysfunctional etc. And it affects their children (even adult kids) whether they think so or not.

*manages

The other thing is .. why aren't you going too?

Are you invited? Is it not your thing, as regularly or at all? Is it because your kids are younger and need more supervision?

Does he want to keep the two parts of his life separate (not good)?

I think even the most secure of us might have a slight discomfort at being excluded from someone's social life regularly - where they're surrounded by ex gfd/fb's while off their faces.

I’m working very hard to create a good healthy and happy life for me and my kids and have been working on eliminating toxic influences from our lives.

This guy is literally filling himself full of illegal drugs and booze at every opportunity and has told you in no uncertain terms that he will continue to do so.

LTB. Do it for yourself and your kids. I get that it's hard to find a new fella when you have kids around. And if your circle of friends are also into drinking until they're wasted at least once a week you're going to need to get out somehow and create a new circle of friends who are more 'you'.

@gilbertmarkham thank you. I definitely have clouded judgement because this is how many of my friends live. His (older) kids and extended family are all involved in the lifestyle too so nobody’s embarrassed. I do find it a bit cringe.
I’ve hung out with him and some of these people and apart from liking the music we have absolutely NOTHING in common. As a middle aged mum I’m of no interest to them and to me they seem vacuous and superficial.
I’ve met friends of his who I do like and get on with who are our age but despite being friendly, really they’re all about the partying. There’s no depth and I feel I could only progress those friendships if I was doing the same as them .

@StrongerThanIThought76 I don’t know how to make new friends at this age. Everything I try or go to is filled with younger people or much older and I just can’t find my place!

@GilbertMarkham tbf, I'm invited to everything and he always says he wishes I was there, misses me etc
but I don’t have the stamina, the childfree time nor the motivation. Maybe a one nighter/all dater I can handle but anything else feels like a flagrant waste of my time and money. It’s too much and I have other things I want to do with my precious time if I don’t have the kids. I also don’t want to be recovering when they’re back with me!

Maybe just the fact that he had kids young, feels he missed out on this and wants to do it now (incidentally couldn't he have had any kind of social life with kids ..did he and his ex not have one baby sitter available?!) ... Makes him not great relationship material for you.
He might move on and grow out of it (ironic talking about a 40 something man) but in the meantime he's not really good relationship material for someone wanting the more typical relationship people past twenties want.

And he may not grow out of it; in which case he'll become like the Keith Richards characters I avoided /wondered at at raves and festivals when I was a teenger/early twenty something.

Ah well, at least you're not being excluded/he's not trying to have it both ways ... I totally understand all your reasons for not wanting to do it regularly, they're all very reasonable.

I suppose this also highlights that him having kids older than yours, and not being the resident parent presumably; makes you incompatible to some extent.

Though to be fair it wouldn't make you incompatible with most men - because most very likely wouldn't be hardcore festival and gig goers, in with a party crowd.

vacuous and superficial

I can imagine.

Combine that with alcohol and drugs and you've got yourself a borefest/turn off of epic proportions.

Ha! @gilbertmarkham you’re so on the money today!
I cannot envisage him growing out of it. If he had a social circle unrelated to this then maybe but literally everyone in his life is a party head. Unsurprisingly I guess based on the fact that that’s his main interest.
Funny when we first met I wrote him off precisely for that reason but was loving the sex and the fun nights out and of course , against my better judgement, feelings developed because he proved himself not o be one dimensional and it became much more than just fun dates with him so really I only have myself to blame

Keith Richards made me lol.
When I was a young person at raves my group was always mixed ages, generally much more older men than women, usually divorced or terminally single. It never seemed weird to me then but I was not the older insecure girlfriend at home losing her figure and looks and knowing that his partying will always take precedence!

Ok Op, I work in music biz and am in mid to late 50’s. One thing to understand is most of the people who actually get anywhere (and are not an artist) are actually quite sensible non party animals, they turn up, they love a bash, but they don’t get shit faced on drugs, people like this crash and burn and one day you may find you have a depressed paranoid non party animal on your hands. Beyond a certain age it’s a bit sad. However I do understand the appeal too of having a bit of ‘glamour ‘ in your life and these kind of blokes can be intoxicating. You don’t have to be part of it but if you decide not to be then you may well find you become irritated, suspicious and ‘not cool’ . I think it’s something you can cope with or you can’t or you have a heart to heart and ask him to moderate and set boundaries. The coke habit for me would be a no no, I’ve never met one who wasn’t a total arsehole at times to his partner

Oh and most are naturally flirtyish , but often means nothing. People often say to me, ‘hows the beautiful xxxxx ‘ etc or ‘see you still have great tits’ , in front of husband too . You tend to develop a thick skin , laugh at them and give as good as you get , but it’s really not for everyone

I’m a bit at all the posters saying that he’s not doing anything wrong. No technically he’s entitled to live his own life as he chooses but taking hard drugs on a regular basis? Come on.

OP I am wondering how it is that you’ve fallen into a group who are all into hard drugs when you’re not. Drugs of any kind would be an immediate dealbreaker for me, and I think it’s perfectly ok to judge people who do drugs.

But OP is this really the example you want to set your children? While you’re living apart you can essentially protect them from it but if you moved in together how are you going to explain his going out on (yet another) bender every couple of weeks and presumably coming back stoned and off his face? This isn’t just about you, it’s about your children as well. And how would your ex feel about his children living with a hard drugs user/.

I know that if my ex was with someone who did hard drugs regularly I’d be looking at reducing his access to make bloody sure they didn’t have anything to do with my children.

But seriously as much as this bloke is loving and attentive most of the time, you really are worth better than to be with someone who still uses hard drugs on a regular basis. What happens if he overdoses? Takes a bad pill and dies?

IMO anyone who does hard drugs when they have children is irresponsible and I wouldn’t/‘t want them anywhere near my children.

@NoCauseRebel it’s been my whole life, it’s what I grew up with and what my parents are/were and then all my friends growing up in the 90s, a lot of damaged people in my life because I was damaged we all gravitated together.
I had not even considered half the things you said ref my exh etc because it is kept very separate from my kids and we don’t see him when he’s doing that lifestyle but I completely take on board what you’re saying.
I would never consider moving in with anyone until my kids are much older, if at all. living long distance also means there is no chance of that for a very long time anyway even if we did stay together. We both have big lives and commitments where we are.

@user1479305498 thank you so much for your insider input. It’s good to hear from somebody who gets it.
I find it very weird that he doesn’t show any signs of anything having majorly impacted on him unless he hides it very well, he just gets a little tired and grumpy but it soon wears off and I know he’s not topping up in between because I can tell and we’re pretty much (literally) joined at the hip when together and have been on holiday and no signs. He’s generally an all round happy positive and optimistic character which is partly why he’s so magnetic I guess.