Need to calm down and think straight

[AmInShockNeedHelp]

I've been on this website for about 6 months on and off under different user names because I don't want out myself. I know people on here.

For the past 8 months I been thinking that my DH is acting weird etc. I've torn my house upside down looking for evidence for an affair as it all looked that way, but found nothing.

My DH has a toiletry bag that he uses when he goes away on business. I've looked though it loads of times to see if he was stupid enough to leave condoms in there etc. Nothing.

Today I was on the toilet (TMI sorry) and his toilet bag was on the floor. It feel off the shelf as my DC1 has a cold and he had a bath and he generally leaves towels and other mess around. He has knocked the bag off the shelf. Anyway, Looked through it and even went one step further emptying bottles of dry stuff to see if anything inside or at the bottom.

He has a massive Smint box that he has had for ages. I emptied it and then looked closer at the Smints. I've looked at this before and just thought he had mixed 2 different packets together. I looked closer this time and there are numerous (actually 26 in total) diamond shaped blue ones. You know where I am going with this. One side says Pfizer and the other says V50. A quick google confirmed my worst fears.

I am not sitting here angry, I'm calm and actually laughing. WTF do I do now? I am really edging to get on the phone to my family and tell them.

Advice.

Noone hides Viagra (in a way that had taken quite a bit of thought and effort) in a bag they regularly use if they're not using it and/or using it with their official partner. There would be no need to.

It is actually irrelevant now what he has done or is doing. It all boils down to one thing now, he makes me bloody miserable. I feel like I am being psychologically abused and this could be an award winning drama on BBC1 at 9pm, Sundays.

Op you poor thing, that is no way to live. What are you going to do?

You don't need any reason other than that to get rid of him op.

But for the record I think you're 100% right that he's cheating on you as well.

Yes, lying and gaslighting.

If they were TTC related why would he be carrying them around the country in his wash bag? Makes no sense.

Anyway, detective work around the viagra is a sideshow. How you feel in the marriage is the important thing.

But obviously lying to you and having so little respect for your feelings as to gaslight and try and put you in the wrong is not going to help how you feel.

Have you got friends and family you can talk to OP? People often find it very hard to share this with those close to them. But the shame is all his, and you need support.

*Just to be aware - counting the pills and finding one missing after a trip won't necessarily be absolute "proof" of him cheating. If he's being this nasty to you when he should be feeling guilty, he's not going to do the honourable thing and own up - he's just going to gaslight and deny the obvious till he's blue in the face.

Crap like "oh, I got them for us but I wanted to try them out on my own first and make sure they worked properly before telling you about it".
Or "oh, I hid them in the smints tin because I was embarrassed about it"

I've seen it a few times and, honestly, it doesn't actually seem to matter if their lies are obvious to anyone with half a brain. As long as you can't definitely disprove it, they'll keep on trotting the same nonsense out and call you paranoid or neurotic.*

I second all this too.

He'll just make up excuses if there are some pills missing. If he might not use them this trip for one reason or another.

*Or

Hope you're doing ok, op - thoughts are with you.

Just a quick thought - don't know if you're in the UK or not, but just had a thought about a way you might be able to disprove his "2 year old" claims for the viagra.

How about going to your GP and asking the receptionist if you can put a repeat prescription request in on his behalf for viagra? If he hasn't taken them in 2 years, they won't be on his active prescription list.

I've done it for my partner before several times, even had conversations with the receptionist over whether I've put the right dosage down for him on the repeat prescription form ¯\(ツ)/¯

Ultimately, though - as pointed out, it doesn't really matter emotionally but it might give you something you could use in a divorce if you decide to leave. He's a deluded idiot who isn't treating you with love and respect (whether he's having an affair is almost besides the point) - you're being strong and you've supported him but he isn't keeping up his side of the deal.

Stay strong, keep your head up and remember that you've behaved with dignity, honesty and openness to resolve this - good men cherish this in their partner, not abuse their good nature