Need to calm down and think straight

[AmInShockNeedHelp]

I've been on this website for about 6 months on and off under different user names because I don't want out myself. I know people on here.

For the past 8 months I been thinking that my DH is acting weird etc. I've torn my house upside down looking for evidence for an affair as it all looked that way, but found nothing.

My DH has a toiletry bag that he uses when he goes away on business. I've looked though it loads of times to see if he was stupid enough to leave condoms in there etc. Nothing.

Today I was on the toilet (TMI sorry) and his toilet bag was on the floor. It feel off the shelf as my DC1 has a cold and he had a bath and he generally leaves towels and other mess around. He has knocked the bag off the shelf. Anyway, Looked through it and even went one step further emptying bottles of dry stuff to see if anything inside or at the bottom.

He has a massive Smint box that he has had for ages. I emptied it and then looked closer at the Smints. I've looked at this before and just thought he had mixed 2 different packets together. I looked closer this time and there are numerous (actually 26 in total) diamond shaped blue ones. You know where I am going with this. One side says Pfizer and the other says V50. A quick google confirmed my worst fears.

I am not sitting here angry, I'm calm and actually laughing. WTF do I do now? I am really edging to get on the phone to my family and tell them.

Advice.

Sorry op this isn't looking good.

I think you need to look after yourself in case you break up. How are you financially?

Count them.

Let him go away..

Use that week to get all your shit together, documents etc.

Count them when he’s back.

Then leave him.

I agree with SoLost - stop trying to catch him out. Concentrate on yourself. What plans can you make for your future if you do leave him.

Start thinking about DC and where you might choose to live, see a solicitor.

Much easier to approach him if you are confident and the big decisions have been thought through than a hysterical row accusing him of stuff.
If it's a two week trip you could just chuck the viagra at the last minute. But you will be ready for him with the financial plans etc sorted and your moves decided for when he returns.

Well now you know why he has been horrible to you. Fucker.
Divorce him.
But i do like the idea of re crafting the Smints

talks to me with contempt. Not intetested in family life

This is enough reason to end the relationship. How dare he!

If you confront him before he goes away again, he'll just say he was taking them but embarrassed to tell you. Take a picture and re count after next time.

I'm so sorry OP.
Just to be aware - counting the pills and finding one missing after a trip won't necessarily be absolute "proof" of him cheating. If he's being this nasty to you when he should be feeling guilty, he's not going to do the honourable thing and own up - he's just going to gaslight and deny the obvious till he's blue in the face.

Crap like "oh, I got them for us but I wanted to try them out on my own first and make sure they worked properly before telling you about it".
Or "oh, I hid them in the smints tin because I was embarrassed about it"

I've seen it a few times and, honestly, it doesn't actually seem to matter if their lies are obvious to anyone with half a brain. As long as you can't definitely disprove it, they'll keep on trotting the same nonsense out and call you paranoid or neurotic.

Speak to a solicitor for advice - if you look around, some offer a free initial half-hour consultation too.

Please remember: Relationships can be difficult, but you are the honest one, you are the strong one and you are the loyal one. He's the weak, dishonest idiot who's too scared to talk to you about how he feels.
If he can't appreciate your strengths and he's deluded enough to think he's entitled to make you feel bad, cut him loose and let him discover exactly what he threw away when he abandoned his self-control.

Sadly, I cannot argue with @finite words. She's correct.

@ Missingstreetlife - why?

Child protection issue?

Really sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Counting and re-counting is all very well but I can’t see how you can get through the weekend til he goes away again. You are not at the cool and deadly stage of facing his betrayal.

Plus you have seen then in there before when you thought they were alternative Smints.

His irresponsibility is terrifying. Putting medical chemicals in a sweet packet with children in the house is unspeakable. The selfish lying bastard.

This is horrible for you OP and I am sorry.

I'm really sorry you've gone through this. I personally would take them all out before he goes. This way not only hell look very stupid in front of his conquest but hell know you know. Double whammy.

I'd put some laxatives in there instead.

I'm with @MirrorHope

Do make sure you pour them out and take a picture of them in order to remind yourself how many there are. You'd be surprised how foggy your brain can get when you're dealing with these kind of situations.

Try to act as normal as you can for the next few days. I know it's hard but if you confront him before he goes, he could easily pacify you with lies.

If he talks to you with 'contempt', what does the cheating thing actually matter? Sorry to be blunt but he hates you and makes it obvious, so what does it matter if he is screwing someone else? Surely someone treating you like that is way worse. It should be enough to get yourself and your kids away. Take finding the Viagra as the icing on the cake and kick him out.

You don't need any more proof. Take time to ensure you can divorce and not suffer financially. Is he self employed?

The sadistic person in me would definitely let him think dc had been eating the mints. But not until you have all your ducks in a row.

What's your plan of action whilst he's away?

Do you have shared location on your phones?

The marriage is clearly over as you had your suspicions anyway and he's been treating you like shit. Just end the marriage. Are you looking for evidence so you have something to use in the divorce?
I wouldn't prolong the agony, just go and see a solicitor.

Frankly I wouldn't wait it would kill me I'd have thrown them in his face by now !!

I hope you get to the bottom of it op x

After his dinner ask him if he would like dessert and put those pills on a platter. Sit the platter before him while looking dead in his eyes. And then update us.

I too would struggle to contain myself but I honestly think it’s the best advice anyone can give. Keep it together and use the time when he is away. Change the locks, see a solicitor, gather all financial info you can.

Be strong. I wish you well xx

Just to update. I did confront him. I got the usual gaslighting. They are from years ago apparently when we were trying for no.2 and he has kept them just in case he needs them with me.

I don't believe him. I've not gone nuclear or anything, I just can't be arsed anymore. I'm trying not to think about it today as I've had no sleep but will when he is away.

It is actually irrelevant now what he has done or is doing. It all boils down to one thing now, he makes me bloody miserable. I feel like I am being psychologically abused and this could be an award winning drama on BBC1 at 9pm, Sundays.

You have;

Your instincts
His previous behaviour
The fact he has Viagra even though he's not having sex with you
The fact that he has hidden the Viagra by mixing them with mints. Why on earth would he do something like that if he wasnt using them with someone other than you.

You don't need 'proof', you really don't.

He'll lie and gas light til the cows come home.

Time to get your shit in order, without tipping him off.