Should I have an affair?

[Undecided1608]

So undecided - have not been getting on with husband for years - sleep in separate rooms.

No.

If it’s not working then it’s time to break up.

Why can't you just split up?!

Yes...

What a stupid idea.
You should grow up and separate and then go about jumping straight in with someone else... The fact you have to ask is absurd......

Split up or speak to him about an open relationship. Or at least ask him what he wants in the future.

Remember though, life is short. Don't do stuff you'll look back and regret just because you couldn't be bothered with the hard stuff.

Speak to him about an open relationship. He may be thinking the same thing. On MN it's either split up or be all over each other but in real life, I'm in my 50s and have several friends who are happy being married to each other and companionable but the spark has gone (or other reasons) who have open relationships and it works for them (lots of discussion and ground rules laid out beforehand). Not everyone is cut out for live-in monogamy.

Ask you husband not mumsnet!

Jesus, everyone seems to want an affair on MN today.

We decided that we would have not 'an open relationship' but a 'do your own thing relationship'. We have 3 teenagers who live at home (older teens). Ultimately, doing your own thing results in meeting other people that you are possibly attractive to.

So, I am probably crossing the boundaries by now embarking/considering an affair as that wasn't in the 'agreement'

Why not just tell your Dh you want a divorce ?

Don't be a dick, OP.

On MN it's either split up or be all over each other

I disagree completely. While it's not for me and the thought of it makes my stomach turn, an open relationship where both parties are on the same page is fine. An affair is deceitful and scummy and those who enter into them are fools. To plan to go out and seek an affair is even worse but to come and ask if you should is just daft....

What was terms of the do your own thing agreement?

I'd condone an affair tbh. If you think your husband would consider it cheating, then you know it's wrong.

I appreciate things are difficult but if things are awful, why haven't you agreed to part ways?

terms of do your own thing was about going out with our separate friendship groups; occasionally coming together for family do's, e.g. mum's 65th for example. So talking about the practicalities of kids (although I've tended make the decisions but this was never really an issue). We have just lost all common interests.

Why we don't split up - husband doesn't want to as he feels that he will not be able to cope. There is tenderness between us but not love.

Affair wasn't an option - and I will say that we have been 'apart' for about 5 years. It's only come now.

Do you still have sex? With each other I mean?

If your husband knows there's no love but wants you to stay because you do everything... I mean, I have some sympathy for you asking the question.

But really you need to split up. Or do the open relationship thing which might work until you fall in love and remember how great that feels.

Can you point out to your husband that you're showing your children that a loveless relationship is ok?

I'm sorry you're in this situation but how long can you live like this for?

Have you brought this up with husband? It doesn't seem fair that you both feel single but he doesn't want you to leave.

no - we do not have sex but I think that he would like to. And he does do lots of things - all the garden work; car maintenance etc.

We don't do anything together - he likes to go out with his mates and he will get very drunk.

I have definitely thought about the loveless relationship and the effect it is having but what do i do - he doesn't want to split up and has said for the kids to leave and then he thinks everything will be ok between us as we will have more time together

Yes and then it'll all end in tears

I know and I can see that the right thing to do is get the relationship sorted (or not) and then move on. It wasn't something that I was consciously looking for but something has happened where it could do.

I think you have to consider whether this is going to be fair on any of the parties. It does sound like it will upset the balance of your non-sexual relationship with your husband; and you're not exactly going to be offering your new partner the opportunity of a full relationship either. Some people might be OK with that, others won't be. Finally, there's a question whether this is really fair to you, or whether it unleashes a maelstrom of unhappy emotions and uncertainty about the future, that together make you feel worse than you already do. Having watched friends go through affairs, I think they are one of the worst things you can do for your self-confidence.

You are coming across as cold and unempathic.

Sounds like your DH is devastated and he's drinking to cope.

No, don't mess with someone elses' mental health like that. People commit suicide over finding out about affairs. Sit down and talk like an adult.

He won't cope? Is he an adult or a child? Does he 'cope' with his job? He can cope enough to get drunk with his mates. He'll cope! He just doesn't WANT to.

He can't stop a split. At the moment it doesn't sound like a friendship, let alone a relationship. You get to be miserable with a live in handyman. And he gets to get drunk with you doing everything else.

And he thinks you're both going to walk off into the sunset hand in hand when the dc leave home? More likely you'll be holding him up as he staggers drunkenly towards retirement!

Why would you ask random internet strangers this question and expect to be taken seriously? You say you've not been getting on but remember those oaths you both took once upon a time? ....