Should I have an affair?

[Undecided1608]

So undecided - have not been getting on with husband for years - sleep in separate rooms.

OP, ok I read your first ;incredibly blunt and cold) op and reacted to it so I was too abrupt in my first response.

I do agree that an affair is not the way to go. There are too many repercussions all round and I don't believe any relationship can ever truly recover from the deceit.

@tell

Attention.

Wonder if the husband will see this thread...

If so ...GET THE FUCK OUT!

That may be the case 75Renarde but you have to remember that when someone drinks to excess, it knocks the whole family equilibrium.

There are so many times when I've had to stop fights; arguments; go to the police station to pick him up; go to pubs to try and get him to get into the car. Unless you have been through that it may be difficult for you to understand. Over the years it's got worse so I've had continual chipping away. And when you're younger, you tend to get on with it a bit more.
But I think he is devastated (you are right there) - he wants it to work but he will not entertain counselling or cutting out the drink.
This isn't something that I've just woken up and thought, 'I know what I will do today - have an affair' - it's gradual.
I do feel very sorry for him because he is not happy and I am sure that I would be happier apart and he may be, but he doesn't think that he would

Hmm. You're kind of not helping yourself here.

WHY is he drinking to excess?

OP - in your situation and with circumstances you described - I think if you met someone you felt attracted to - many people would act on it.
I don’t think one plans to go out and have an affair. But we are human and you are living in a dead relationship for the sake of keeping a ‘family’ for your kids and an illusion of a family for your H. Your needs aren’t taken into account here.
I don’t think life is black and white. And - I think most people can deal with brutal honesty of - our relationship is dead and we need to have an open marriage if we were to stay together. So - instead you two spoke in code and understatements - ‘doing our own thing’ is that....
It really can mean anything one wishes to put in it.
You haven’t had sex for 5 years by the sound of it. You aren’t divorcing. Your marriage is dead, really.
So - it’s up to you how you want to love your life. You don’t need anyone’s approval.

He's always liked a drink and about 6 or 7 years ago, something happened which got him into trouble whilst drinking. Resulted in a fine. We then went to the doctors who was really kind. Offered him counselling and steps to help him. He stopped drinking for 2 months and although it wasn't perfect, relationship with kids went up which then had an effect on us (a good effect). But he then went back with a vengeance - and it's got worse. Something happens which then sends him off onto a downward spiral and he is now at the stage when he couldn't give up drinking. That is possibly the reason he doesn't want counselling

Why would you ask random internet strangers this question and expect to be taken seriously?
Tellme - I know you have posted something since this question but sometimes objectivity is needed.

Yeah again. It's all very vague isn't it?

Please be more specific. Has he lost someone dear to him? had an abusive childhood? etcs

Thanks MMmomDD - it's very difficult to give the full story and obviously husband will have a different take. I have spoken to my kids about our relationship and I won't do that again as at the end, they know no different, and were upset that we would have to sell the house etc.

75 - yes he was in care (not abused) and although I praise care homes for their resilience, they are practical and fairly loveless.

Now THAT makes more sense.

I'd put a big question mark over whether he was abused. I suspect he might have been. You know how some men find it difficult to open up.

He's drinking I suspect to cover feelings of worthlessness.

What do you hope to gain from an affair? Sex or love or what? If you do this, you'll probably just feel horrid age guilty about the whole thing. Quite frankly, if your husband is devastated about how your relationship is now and wouldn't cope if you left, how will he handle finding out you've been unfaithful, as he inevitably will? Plus, if you hook up with someone who is also married, you are contributing to pain for their spouse too. What if your kids find out?

If you think he is being emotionally manipulative and believe there is no way back for you both then I would cut the ties and walk away. If he chooses to drink himself to death as a result, that's on him not you. If you can manage financially and are not tied to him in that way then move on.

I totally agree with @verticality

If you did have an affair and fell in love with that person...then what? You would not be able to extend to a proper relationship with a dead marriage hanging around your neck.

Sounds like your husband is clearly unhappy and isn't doing himself any favours at all. He must know the marriage is to all intents and purposes, over? His expectation that things will get better when the kids leave home is just unreal. It won't happen. Its another form of burying his head in the sand, because deep down he knows it is over between you. Saying he won't cope is a crock of shit.

I don't know how old you are, OP, but as I've said to many others in failing/dead relationships...you only have one life. Why settle for something unfulfilling for the rest of your life? Do you really want to wait until the kids have left home (which takes a lot longer these days!) before you try to see if you still have a viable marriage?

So going back to the original question, an affair isn't the answer to the problems of your marriage. Go and be with someone else by all means, but FGS do something about your husband.

He wasn't physically or sexually abused (I am positive of that) but there would have been feelings of isolation. And he does feel worthless (I know that). It just gets to a point where I feel that I don't need that stress any more (that may be selfish).
And I would feel guilty about having an affair. And everything comes out in the end. The someone else is a widow.

He's not being emotionally manipulative either - he's not an unkind person - it's whether I invest in our marriage (I'm probably going to be told off for saying that as I should be wanting to) or walk away at this point so that we could both possibly move onto something (and not necessarily someone) else.

thanks pinkmonkeybird - just seen your post

Seriously, what is happening to people? No! You shouldn't have an affair, the pair of you should break up actually for your kids sake more than anything. Do you want them to look at you and your husband as the model idea of a relationship? Just leave him and have been done with it.

husband doesn't want to as he feels that he will not be able to cope
Tough shit.
You cannot put your whole life on hold because a grown adult cannot 'cope'
He will HAVE to cope.
You have to live your life.
Tell him you are now officially separated and you can both do as you please with regards to other relationships.
What a sad half life you are living.
What an awful example of a relationship you are setting for your poor DC!

hellsbells - that will have a real effect on the DCs though - if we have relationships with other people. The DCs do seem to be able to have normal relationships but I'm not sure if they will be able to maintain. They want it to remain as it is because that is all they know.

Sadly in this day and age a lot of people cannot afford to 'just leave'. It's not always black and white.

That's so sad for your DC.
That this is all they know.
They could learn that when people don't love each other or have addictions that affect the whole family, that it is in fact better to be apart and to live a happier life.
They will 'settle', just like you have.
How sad.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but you should just break up.
I separated from my stbxh in January, no one wants to live alone or go through the mess of a divorce but sometimes it’s necessary.
If your kids are teens they will be moving out in the next 5-10 years then what? You’re just delaying the inevitable really.

gin - that's what I have told my husband that I can't see it changing and at best we will live together as friends and will look after each other. But life isn't as simple as that. We both want different things. I would like him to tell me that he has met someone else but I know I am copping out from making the decision. I asked him the other night if he wanted to go to the end of his life without having sex and he said that if that was the best of all options.

hells - i know it's sad for my DCs and I keep thinking that we can split when the time is right but there will be no right time

No you’re right there is no right time. I think you should put yourself first and if you feel the relationship is over you should leave him.
I don’t know how serious you are about having an affair but it would create more problems than it would solve. What if you met someone you really liked but then you had to tell everyone you was leaving for another man.
It’s definitely better to get a divorce and move on. It will be really shit, I’m not going to lie it is shit! But things will get worse before they get better. It’s almost like you’re living in limbo at the moment.

i suppose i should start another thread because how do i do it if he doesn't want to? Do we have to separate and then there is a divorce?

You can divorce him for what ever reason you want.
You don't need his permission to divorce.
You've basically already been separated for 5 years.
Get some legal advice.
A free half hour with a solicitor will help you see where you would stand if you were to separate properly.