Should I have an affair?

[Undecided1608]

So undecided - have not been getting on with husband for years - sleep in separate rooms.

Imagine what a lovely example you will set for your children and how much they will respect you. Is that the behavior you want to model for them?

Your husband is an alcoholic which has affected his relationship with you and with his children, I would recommend al-anon to help you deal with this.

I wouldn't leave the decision whether to stay or leave with my children, that is too much to put on them at any age and is really down to you. I grew up in a house with unhappy parents and an alcoholic father, if I'd had been asked at the time what I wanted to happen between them I probably would have said the same as your children and said stay together. However as a grown up I can see how damaging that situation was and myself and my siblings all wish they had separated and we hadn't had to deal with the fallout from my father's alcoholism. If you're not careful they could end up blaming you for keeping them in this situation or blaming themselves for telling you to stay. They won't stay children forever so think of how they'll view this as adults.

Your normal meter is broken here, of course he wants to keep the staus quo because I'm sure you make up alot of the shortfall for what he's no longer able to do due to alcohol and also help him maintain the normal family man image. You and your children are what's important in this, protect them and yourself.

In answer to your question, yes, you have to separate and then get divorced. You have to overcome the inertia of your current situation. If you are unhappy with your current life, you need to file for separation and move out or make him move out. It's harder to do without an inciting incident like an affair, but it also shows you are a stronger person.

I was in a dead marriage for years. Far longer than yours has been but I felt I had to just carry on for DCs sake. Then I read things on here that made me think what was being modelled to DCs and that they would follow, they've never even known us to sleep in the same bed.

Ex didn't want it to end either, but I did so eventually I ended it. If one doesn't want to keep going with the relationship, it ends, regardless of what the other wants.

Something really struck me yesterday. I have a new DP and DS is struggling with this. DS has told me he doesn't like the way I laugh at DP and I never did that with his dad. DP and I have a very different (an actual) relationship as opposed to the roommate style relationship me and ex had. It made me realise DS is so used to seeing the downtrodden, fed up mum, he is struggling to see me in a happy and relaxed relationship because it's not how I was with his dad.

Not that I've had any doubts, but it just reinforces that I really have done the right thing and DS in particular has a very skewed view of what a healthy relationship should look like.

What if you divorced and he found a better relationship which made him a better person? Maybe you'd both benefit from splitting up as you may be happier, and your children will benefit from that.