Is marriage hard work?

[mummmmeee]

Just that really.

YUP

Yes. But you’ve found that out for yourself by the sound of it.
What happened, OP?

No, life is hard work. We've had ups and downs since marriage, deaths, health issues, a miscarriage, serious money troubles but we've wealth with them together and had huge highs (kids, laughs). It's great always having someone there. There's the thing that if they're always there you rub off each other too. It does have to be the right person though, I'd rather be single than with someone every day who isn't the right one. Are you getting married? Thinking of it?

No. Relationships should not be hard work. Relationships should make you happy, and being in one should make you feel better about yourself than not being in one. If neither of these things are true, then reassess.

Stayathome has hit the nail on the head, but I would also say there is an extent that you can choose to make it hard work or choose your battles

• mindful-style.

Given the amount of infidelity on here and in RL, I’d suggest it’s not a natural state for us to be in and therefore “hard work”.

I don't think it should be, of course there will be tricky times that make it harder work for short periods but all in all I think the point in a relationship is to be easy to support each other through life. If it's hard work the majority of the time I'd say something isn't right.

In my experience, yes. But it has huge positives too. However I'm in therapy partly because I've picked two husbands and both marriages were extremely hard. I dont think I'll get married again, at least i hope not.

Yes. Such hard work. Every day.

It takes some work, yes. You can't put no effort in and expect bliss thereafter. But it shouldn't be 'hard work' ... IE miserable to endure. My husband and I got married fairly young and have got through a few years of alcoholism and the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and screwed up family situations but we have made it work and are happy in our marriage.

At times it seems like the hardest thing in the whole world but mostly it feels better to be with him than not and that balances it out.

“Yes. Such hard work. Every day”
Such a sad post- can anyone help, do you think?

The thing is you can't expect another person to make you feel happy & complete. You still have to do that yourself even when you're married.

Agreed there are definite high points:
Hugs, love, tea making, conversation, dealing with wasps/ spiders etc...
Someone to have your back when things get tough.
Someone who shares the journey of parenthood with you & marvel at / worry about/ be amazed by your little cherubs together.
Someone to make you laugh. Someone to challenge you.
Someone who is always on your team.

But as previously posted up thread, life is hard. Personally I enjoy the ride mire having my co-pilot next to me

It takes some effort. There are times you need to do something for your partner when you don't want to (I'm not talking about sex). There are times you disagree and annoy each other, which is pretty normal in a long term relationship imo. But on the whole it should make you happy and enrich your life.

Not at all. You do need to consider your spouse, you can’t live 100% selfishly but the pros should far outweigh the cons.

Otherwise why bother with marriage?

Before having a child is have said no but since having one i’d say yes. But more like hard work making time for each other and not taking each other for granted. Simply because your focus is elsewhere and it’s easy to neglect a marriage.

I don’t think that marriage is hard work. Agree that life can be hard work. Balancing work and children and your relationship and your own needs can be hard. But I’ve never found marriage itself to be hard.

From what I’ve seen and experienced myself, yes it is hard work. People live so long now, to be with the same person every single day for the majority of your adult life (could be 50+ years) it’s such a long time and a big commitment. And considering how much people can change over the course of a few years never mind their entire life, their beliefs, priorities, interests etc it’s no wonder so many couples outgrow each other or get bored.

Friendships drift apart all the time as people grow and it is seen as normal, yet we are expected to be in a marriage until death us do part?

As a PP said, I don’t think it is particularly natural state for us to be in. There are genuinely happy marriages out there that last the course but I think they are in the minority.

I don't want this to come over as judgey or proud, but hand on heart, I've never found it hard work. That is not to say my marriage is perfect and everything is sunshine and light. Far from it - there have been some really shit times over the last decade. We are both from difficult families where there isn't much affection, and we are both pretty good at showing our feelings/resolving conflict/finding a compromise as a result. We are very close - we pretty much do everything together - and don't have children, which also significantly reduces pressure.

Thank you for responses everyone. Yes this morning I just woke up thinking fuck, this is me "living the dream"-married, 2 lovely kids, both me and DH work and earn decent wages, we have a house. This is what people want. My marriage is good I'd say 90% of time. The truth is I think my DH is 'the one' for me. I can imagine being with someone else but can't imagine they'd be better than DH. We're very alike, laugh a lot when we get a chance to spend time together without being exhausted due to kids.
But now and then we have problems. I've found out he lied to me and hid things surprisingly convincingly. Think deleted messages between him and a friend (male). On more than one occasion. Which make me question if he's lied or hid bigger things. Eh I just feel like it's hard work and I need to soldier on for the sake of our DC when sometimes I just don't want to. But equally I don't want to be single for the rest of my life.
Meanwhile I see people posting on FB about their perfect marriages and being soulmates etc and this prompted me to post-surely they're lying as it's hard work

Ignore the FB crap. It's not a true representation of people's lives.

People are v selective on social media. No one posts on fb that they’ve had a bad row etc. Look on the mumsnet forum - I guess it gives a different picture as people often come here when they have problems.

You might want to have a chat with you lr DH +/- counselling. To me trust is an important issue and I would want DH to understand this. It’d be also good to find out if he had a reason for lying (eg he felt held back by you). Just don’t let it eat away at you as it can get toxic.

My marriage isn't, but I appreciate not everyone is as lucky.

No marriage is perfect and requires patience and compromise. But it should be more happiness than difficulty and I think as a partnership the give and take needs to work equally. Ultimately there needs to be trust and reliability. If you are treading on eggshells or questioning things or worried that what your husband says may not be true then possibly it needs work to sort that out.

Don't believe any of the FB shite. People only post the good stuff and often that is to cover up the crap.

"No. Relationships should not be hard work. Relationships should make you happy, and being in one should make you feel better about yourself than not being in one. If neither of these things are true, then reassess."
This.