Is marriage hard work?

[mummmmeee]

Just that really.

No but having children is ( for me anyway)

OP, what I have learned in a long marriage is that yes it is work, especially to stay through the low times. However, it is also hugely rewarding, so there is work, as it you don't cut and run at the first row, but there is also understanding and love. There are many times though that the hard work is too much (as in if your DH cheats on you or is violent etc) and I would say not worth it. However, the normal work of a marriage is just that, two people making a life together and no couple is 100% suited to each other as we are all individuals with our own quirks.

My second life learning is delete facebook - you will be so much more content. I deleted it two years ago after giving up for Lent (an Irish catholic 7 week time before Easter where we do something difficult) and have never looked back. Facebook is not real (that's what my DC parrot to me about Instagram and the same is true for Facebook).

I don't find it is. Aside from the adjustment of being on my own and having everything on my own terms, i.e. having to learn to compromise. I don't find the day to day hard work.

My marriages were. First because of abuse, i was always on edge and second he was an alcoholic and became abusive. My relationship with my fiance is not hard work at all. He is so kind, caring, loving understanding, considerate, respectful, supportive, patient, funny and all round awesome!

Not hard work in the sense of drudgery. My relationship makes me feel great! We really enjoy each others company and work together as a team. I also feel supported and encouraged regarding my individual tasks and goals, and hope I do the same for my OH.

Yeah don't do it!

Or if you really want to go for it I once read a good tip "Get married young so you can be divorced and happy in your 30's" 👍

Not for me. It's work, but it's good, enjoyable, life-affirming work that I wouldn't be without.

There's no hard work in mine.

Sure, some of his habits are annoying as are mine. But I wouldn't say it is hard work.

God yes. I'm in a constant state of missing him v wanting to run away to a hut up Mount Everest with no kids no one!

My marriage isn't hardwork.
I feel sorry for those that think it is but then maybe people mean something different by hardwork than I do.
Marriage is full of compromise and sometimes putting someone else before yourself - but that isn't hardwork.

The only person I've seen posting on fb about their soulmate is on their third soulmate in five years.

Im not judging - my sex life has been Gothically crazy for the last 7 months and absolutely 0 love involved so shes a lot more restrained than i am. But basing anything on FB is like planning your holidays based on postcards. Its not real, its not even close to real.

No - marriage has made my life much easier. I have someone in my corner all the time, someone to talk over my problems with and who helps me find solutions, someone to share my happy days with. I have an extra pair of hands when it comes to cleaning, cooking, gardening and DIY. I've been introduced to new things that I now love, had my horizons broadened, experienced things I would never have known about. I have much more disposable income because the bills are shared. My life would be much harder without my husband.

Yes. The first one was volatile and a mess.

The 2nd (current) one is harder work than anything ever. Nearly 20 years of emotional and physical abuse...I'm, finally close to walking.

Yes

Losingmymind puts it very well

"No marriage is perfect and requires patience and compromise. But it should be more happiness than difficulty and I think as a partnership the give and take needs to work equally. Ultimately there needs to be trust and reliability."

and the same (possibly without the caveat of equal give and take) goes for every other close human relationship too

But let's focus on your particular situation, OP. Why would your OH want to delete messages from a male friend of his? How did he end up in a situation where he would be questioned about it by you and lie about it? Did you have reason to think that these messages were offensive to you or involved some kind of situation (cheating?) where you were being betrayed?

No, not if you're with the right person. Of course there are ups and down and life can generally be hard work but a relationship? No

It's a rather long story but it now turns out no messages were deleted. DH was showing me photos on his phone and a video of a woman came up. He swiftly deleted it and said it was sent from a friend but he also had deleted the messages from his friend. The woman was naked. It seemed dodgy and I threatened a divorce as I knew he was lying but couldn't figure out the whole situation. I thought it may have been video sex chat or some woman sending him a video of herself -and to me either would be cheating.

Today he admitted he downloaded this video from a porn site. So there were no messages, he made that up on the spot. He just didn't want to admit he downloaded porn. Not sure if this makes sense but here we go.

Marriage is really overrated. I'm starting to doubt that it's natural for two people to stay together for 30+ years. Possible, obviously, but not natural

I've been married for 16 years and I've never found it remotely hard work. Not even for a minute. Dh and I aren't lovey dovey, romantic types at all. We live each other of course, but essentially we get on really well, have plenty in common and make each other's lives easier rather than more difficult. Otherwise what's the point?

*live, not live!

Oh ffs! love!

Not for me because I don't put the work in that I know I should...often too tired to talk to him when we get home in the evenings, can't be arsed with date nights etc. Usually find him aggravating due to stupid stuff like who is most tired or why he doesn't help me more around the house. I'm mostly consumed with kids and work, and being pregnant means I'm constantly shattered. It was the same before we were married though it's not like being married has made it harder, other than I feel like I ought to make more effort!

I think the "relationships are hard work" mantra can be very dangerous and manipulates people into staying in damaging and unhappy situations. My parents have been together for 45 years and boast about it quite a bit and yet there's been violence, abuse and they are codependent to a toxic degree. They also scapegoat their children and pin all their problems onto them so they don't have to face up to themselves. It's not something I would proud of. They justify all this with "marriage is hard work". I hate the saying. The relationship itself should not be hard work. Ebbs and flows and occasionally taking stress out on each other but not hard work. It should enhance your life, or what's the point?

Mine has been hard due to circumstances that I wouldn't have had to deal with if I'd been on my own - his nervous breakdown, serious illness - mental and physical - in his family - (his kids), him losing his job and not getting another one for a year. In contrast I went through a messy menopause and my mum died after a long illness (which was frankly a relief). Some of that has been effing hard work - but tbh mostly stuff coming from his side of the fence.

I think being together has made it easier for him....but I think being with him has made my life much harder!

My marriage isn’t hard work at all. My first marriage was excruciatingly hard so I ended it and this is an unrecognisably different experience.

Exactly what carol said.
‘Marriage is hard work’ should always be prefaced with the word ‘my’, because it’s not and should not be the standard. My marriage of 15 years is the easiest thing in the world. We’re Childfree, which helps.