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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheated on and now a cheater

97 replies

Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 10:33

8 weeks ago I found the Kik app on DH phone. We have been together 12 years. Turns out he’d been on the group chats there, ended up meeting a woman who performed a sex act on him. It was once. I didn’t find any evidence of the sex act, DH was very forthcoming and spilled all. I’ve asked question after question and had answers to them. He is remorseful etc (happened last year when I was 5 months pregnant with baby number 2 - usual pattern 🙄)

I asked him to leave etc and at the moment I am seeing how things are. He is mostly at home now but I do still occasionally ask him to go when I need space. His reasons for going on Kik were that we were in separate bedrooms as toddler DD was in bed with me, he had depression due to loss of a job (but not excusing his behaviour whatsoever), he was lonely, we never had couple time (true), it was escapism. He is currently in counselling and trying to make things right.

Now. From the hurt or whatever I decided to download a dating app. Well it certainly opened my eyes (so many local married men on it!) It sure if it was due to curiosity, attention or what.
I have ended up meeting a man. Have seen him 3 times now and we have had a great time, sometimes I feel guilty but mostly I don’t feel anything. It’s terribly exciting and I can’t wait to see him again.

Thing is I don’t believe my marriage is over. I do see myself spending the rest of my life with DH. So why the fuck am I doing this? I think I’m justifying it to myself due to DH behaviour. I know it’s wrong. But a part of me is thinking life is too short. I don’t want a relationship with this man, it’s sex and it’s a bit of fun.

It’s all a big cliche.

Come on MN words of wisdom. I can’t be the only person in this position?!

OP posts:

AlongTheWay · 16/08/2019 22:57

Anyway, you sound incredibly self righteous, sanctimonious, arrogant and judgemental.

When it comes to cheating yes, I am very judgemental. And I don't give a fuck how that makes me look to you.

He lost the right to be angry at op when he chose to repeatedly seek sexual interactions with other women

So yep, it's ok for her to sleep around to get him back. Of course two wrongs make a right.

AlongTheWay · 16/08/2019 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 23:00

He wasn't the first person whom and along, she picked him from a pool of 'candidates" and she didn't shag him out of one upman ship; she did it to feel good about herself (and probably to have some nice sex not tainted by the likes of her partners behaviour).

Definitely this!
There were loads of men at my beck and call. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:27

He lost the right to be angry at op when he chose to repeatedly seek sexual interactions with other women

So yep, it's ok for her to sleep around to get him back. Of course two wrongs make a right.

Missed the point completely.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:31

When it comes to cheating yes, I am very judgemental. And I don't give a fuck how that makes me look to you.

You werent meant to give a fuck, my.cimme t was for ops benefit. I was worried she might be affected by your bizarre self righteous, utterly lacking in empathy, almost poisonous attempted 'slut shaming'.
I don't worry about people I think are pretty bonkers, just about the effect of their nastiness on others who are going through a hard time.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:32

*comment

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:35

self of Steen

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:38

Anyway .. op, honestly I think you should get rid of your partner/husband - there are no excuses for his behaviour, there's something not quite right with him. I doubt he's told the truth and even if he has .. you shouldn't be expected to forgive what he's done.

I know if must be very very hard, having two children with him, but I would at least begin to figure out how you might manage things if you leave him.

Original poster

Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 23:42

Yes you are right I probably do need to leave him.
There are moments where I despise him, I can’t bear to even look at him.
I’m sure things will be clearer in the near future.

OP posts:

RealityCheckd · 16/08/2019 23:52

Right Ok.

What your husband did wasnt acceptable lets get that out of the way.

But to seek validation on revenge cheating a number of times is pretty disgusting. Your husband even had some level of guilt and has been taking steps to fix this issue in addition to previous ones by the sounds of it.

Both of you claim to not feel attractive enough from each other yet neither of you are working together and appreciating the other and to make them feel good but rather both being selfish and living in the moment without a care about the outcome.

In the grand scheme of things, im not going to blow smoke up your arse and tell you did the right thing. You did'nt. Neither did your husband. But working together through your husbands mistake while you are sleeping with someone else with no regret blows my mind. You dont love him and tbh right now, your marriage seems like a joke.

AlongTheWay1 · 16/08/2019 23:53

There were loads of men at my beck and call.

All women looking would find that, men on dating sites are usually up for a quick easy lay and so they were lining up. Nothing to be proud of or unique to you.

cimme t

while you're making typos too but hypocritical to pick on someone else's.

slut shaming

LOL you mean calling her out for what she did.if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... If she felt shame for it that's her problem, not mine. It is what it is.

And no I have no sympathy or empathy for cheats and the "hard time" they're going through.... She is what she is and I won't apologise for it.

But.... WHAT AN APPROPRIATE USER NAME SHE HAS Hahahahaha

areukiddingme · 16/08/2019 23:55

Wow ........COIN

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 23:58

Name change fail, you mad-woman.

Original poster

Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 23:58

AlongTheWay1

Not a clue what you are even on about now. This is a very old username of mine?

Slut shame me all you want.
God forbid you go through what I am right now.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 00:04

revenge cheating

Op has tried to explain her motives/feelings and I didn't see revenge as important (or even present?) In her explanation ... Why do posters keep assuming this and basing their opinions upon it.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 00:07

@Sleepathon

She's unhinged (drunk maybe?) and has changed/made a new username for some reason, not lily to be a good reason... Don't bother engaging with her, don't feed the troll.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 00:08

*not likely

RealityCheckd · 17/08/2019 00:16

This is someone entirely new. I just saw this and had to comment.

Your husband messed up. You tried to fix it. In that case try and fix it. Dont then do the same thing he did and then wonder why its all going wrong. If you felt like it wasnt fixing itself, dont go sleep with someone else. Just leave.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 17/08/2019 03:43

Typical Mumsnet. If the roles were reversed, the OP would be getting LTB comments left, right and centre.

Your husband was at least remorseful of his disgusting behaviour, you are seemingly proud of yours.

Bob42 · 17/08/2019 08:22

If you want your marriage to work you need to come clean and tell your husband. But to me it seems like the trust has gone and once that’s gone it’s hard to get back. Personally I believe if you truly love a person you wouldn’t cheat but that’s just my opinion.

oofadoofa · 17/08/2019 09:16

The biggest mug in all this your husband; He should have just kept a cheeky little BJ under his hat and saved himself the hassle of taking on the role of big nasty cheater, not to mention flagellating himself at your behest and rounds of therapy.He must surely have known that you yourself are more than capable of matching his misdemeanors and then some, though without any of the honesty and contrition, whilst still managing to somehow, amazingly, hold onto the moral high ground. In his next relationship, he'd be well advised to keep some healthy secrets.

Flerkin · 17/08/2019 13:42

What the husband did was disgusting. No doubt about that

But in the scale of cheating what's worse. A blow job and some dirty texts, or repeatedly meeting up with someone having sex, several times. While you partner is going to counselling and under the impression you are both working on the making the marriage work.

No way would a man having revenge affair that goes way past what his wife did, be given any sympathy.

Can you imagine a women posting admitting she had oral sex with a man last year, was sorry, was going to counselling was doing everything they can to repair the damage and then she found out that the husband had been meeting up with someone and shagging them repeatedly?

People would be saying he was probably cheating before her and only now being caught, that he disgusting making her worl for forgiveness, go to counselling and putting effort in to save a marriage he doesnt give a shit about

No one would be defending their behaviour

OP might detest him when she looks at him. But maybe she needs to look in the mirror too

She is no better than him.

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