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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated on and now a cheater

97 replies

Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 10:33

8 weeks ago I found the Kik app on DH phone. We have been together 12 years. Turns out he’d been on the group chats there, ended up meeting a woman who performed a sex act on him. It was once. I didn’t find any evidence of the sex act, DH was very forthcoming and spilled all. I’ve asked question after question and had answers to them. He is remorseful etc (happened last year when I was 5 months pregnant with baby number 2 - usual pattern 🙄)

I asked him to leave etc and at the moment I am seeing how things are. He is mostly at home now but I do still occasionally ask him to go when I need space. His reasons for going on Kik were that we were in separate bedrooms as toddler DD was in bed with me, he had depression due to loss of a job (but not excusing his behaviour whatsoever), he was lonely, we never had couple time (true), it was escapism. He is currently in counselling and trying to make things right.

Now. From the hurt or whatever I decided to download a dating app. Well it certainly opened my eyes (so many local married men on it!) It sure if it was due to curiosity, attention or what.
I have ended up meeting a man. Have seen him 3 times now and we have had a great time, sometimes I feel guilty but mostly I don’t feel anything. It’s terribly exciting and I can’t wait to see him again.

Thing is I don’t believe my marriage is over. I do see myself spending the rest of my life with DH. So why the fuck am I doing this? I think I’m justifying it to myself due to DH behaviour. I know it’s wrong. But a part of me is thinking life is too short. I don’t want a relationship with this man, it’s sex and it’s a bit of fun.

It’s all a big cliche.

Come on MN words of wisdom. I can’t be the only person in this position?!

OP posts:
Jabbercocky · 15/08/2019 13:28

No flames from me. From first hand knowledge I can tell that being cheated on can break something inside you permanently. How you then choose to fix what someone else broke is entirely up to you. Whether this will actually fix you is another matter.

Anyone who doesn’t like you treating them the way they treat you, is not worth your time. He’s given you a free pass to behave like this IMHO. The scale of the retaliation may seem excessive but he must have expected some sort of reaction. If he hadn’t done, what he knew he shouldn’t have done, you wouldn’t have done what you did.

All of us eventually sit down to a banquet of consequences. And that goes for both of you.

Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 13:31

Jabbercocky

What you said in its entirety.
Yes. You’ve hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 13:33

Sorry pressed send too soon.

Something in me has broken permanently and it will never come back.

You know I haven’t even been able to cry since I found out. I guess we all react differently to bad news but I just can’t seem to cry! Anger yes sadness yes. I guess time cheating is how I’m dealing with it Sad

OP posts:
Nesssie · 15/08/2019 13:37

I think you are worse than him.
You know how it feels to be cheated on, and are deliberately inflicting it on him as some kind of revenge.
I bet you made him really bad about his cheating too, and now are being the hypocrite.
At least he was honest with you.
And I'm sure when you break up, he'll get all the blame.

ScreamingLadySutch · 15/08/2019 13:42

Google 'what is a revenge affair'?

This is a very, very, very bad idea OP and you need to stop.
At least you know what drove him now, because for the exact same reasons you are doing it.

However: the difference is, he got caught. You haven't ... yet.
Stop now, delete the app and never, ever, ever tell your H.

You are using anger to cover up your emotions of hurt. Please stop this destructive behaviour using other people for shallow reasons, and work hard on being more in touch with yourself.

When you get more in touch with yourself, more honest and expressive of your feelings, you will get more in touch with him. But if he finds out? Your marriage is done. So work out if you do love him, if you want to stay married to him, and focus on the one person you can make better - yourself. That is the only route out of this mess.

Parent999 · 15/08/2019 13:43

You both deserve each other to be honest. I just feel sorry for the children.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 15/08/2019 14:02

Fucking he'll. Only on mumsnet do women get a pat on the back for cheating.

Either shit or get off the pot.

Where are your morals self respect, decency. What a shit show of a marriage.

Flerkin · 15/08/2019 15:17

How you then choose to fix what someone else broke is entirely up to you.

I dont agree.

How you chose to fix something IS up to you, to a degree. Especially, if you have walked away from the marriage and now seperated.

But if you are telling someone you want to make it work, they have a right to know you causing more damage.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2019 15:52

The fact that you see ‘cheating’ as a free pass says it all really. Why do you want to stay in a relationship where you can’t be bothered to be faithful? Why don’t you separate while you get you get your rocks off? There’s something calculating and deeply troubling about your behaviour.

There’s no such thing as a free pass and two wrongs don’t make a right, you are a hypocrite, own it.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 15/08/2019 15:55

I'm sorry, but thinking that because he cheated you therefore have a right to, and arguably to a worse extent is an incredibly simplistic and immature way of looking at it. You don't get off scot-free just because he did it first. Your actions aren't therefore understandable and ok because he did it first, either. You either need to stop your affair now, be honest with yourself about how his actions hurt you, be honest with your DH and really consider if this is a relationship you want to continue, OR end the relationship. You can't keep doing both.

Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 17:17

Thank you all.
I know this needs to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 17:18

Thank you all.
I needed to read this.
I know it needs to stop.

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 15/08/2019 17:43

It actually really worries me now that so many married men are on dating sites. I think I trust my dh. I understand where you are coming from op, but I think you need to calm down, and go to counselling with your dh.

LexMitior · 15/08/2019 17:57

I don’t condone cheating and you are messing with your relationship.

But your husband is a fool. Irrespective of marriage vows etc a woman can easily get man’s attention. If you are very attractive then very easily. I sometimes think men imagine there are some special virgin brides at home while they go out and seek sex on their own terms.

They are deluded. And really, once it’s been made clear that they can do as they please, they do hand the morality of the marriage to the woman. In truth, they expect you to set the standard as to behaviour - and its poison. I don’t think he can really complain because he’s set the standard. I wonder though why you stay with him? Deceit will erode your respect for him - you will start to treat him badly because of your affairs.

Might be best to call time on the marriage - you’ll find that you will regard your husband with less and less respect anyway, irrespective of the sex.

madeofstarlight · 15/08/2019 18:08

No judgement here, it's hard to articulate what being cheated on does to you. It totally skews your world view and emotional compass for a bit.

You know what you're doing is wrong, so no point in rubbing your nose in it. However, I do think you need to stop in order to gain some clarity. Being with this other man sounds like a sort of escapism for you. When you're with him you don't need to deal with what's happened to you but you won't heal if you keep checking out from your real life. Same as when people turn to drink or drugs to help deal with their grief, it just puts off the inevitable for a while.

I can't say if you should stay with your husband, that's completely up to you but I do think you would benefit from counselling on your own to properly work through what has happened.

KylieKoKo · 15/08/2019 18:17

Maybe the two of you should consider an open marriage. It seems like you are in one anyway. Monogamy isn't the only way.

Parent999 · 15/08/2019 18:24

@Thatsalovelycuppatea

“It actually really worries me now that so many married men are on dating sites.”

Oh God you’re serious? The amount of women on MN suggesting the cheaters lie and hide their infidelity and you think that’s worrying?

Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 18:59

“It actually really worries me now that so many married men are on dating sites.”

This shocked me too. I joined a site called ‘Marital Affair’. Literally within the space of an hour I had 50 messages from local men, from the surrounding 20 miles. 3 from my village!!!

Thanks for the other replies. Yes it’s unbelievable how much being cheated on fucks with your mind. It is escapism what I am doing.

This time last year I thought my marriage was amazing that my DH would never do this, I’d never imagined being with another man... and here we are SadConfused

OP posts:
Otterhound · 15/08/2019 19:13

So you join a site called marital affair and get messages from married men? No shit Sherlock!

It would probably give you some perspective to look at female profiles and see how many married women are on there as well

Original poster
Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 19:45

So you join a site called marital affair and get messages from married men? No shit Sherlock!

No read my post again. It’s the sheer volume of messages and volume of men on there. I genuinely went on for curiosity purposes to have a gander thinking it’ll be pretty quiet and nothing would come of it. Maybe I was naive!
Not any more Hmm

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 16/08/2019 09:00

“It actually really worries me now that so many married men are on dating sites.”
The irony that you are a married women and are on it seems lost on you and a few others on here.

Sorry you are being worse, he cheated but it was once and he was full of remorse. you on the other hand are continually cheating and it seems are happy to continue. Meanwhile your disregard to what will happen to the your DH and DD is sad.
You dont get to blame other people for your actions, as you seem to want to do. You need to own up to your own behaviour.
I have seen ppl ask this but am still waiting for a reply, do you plan to tell him about what you have been up to ? Or is just about you being able to cheat, whilst making him to feel guilty?

Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 09:11

Cheese you need to read my previous replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 09:16

Well no two days are the same.
Have woken up full of remorse.
In a way I’m glad i did what I did because it has made me realise how much I want things to work with DH.

I am going to cut contact with the OM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 09:22

DH did the act once, but only because the woman ignored him afterwards (he repeatedly messaged her).

I’m not saying I’m better no, but he openly admits he would have done more if given the opportunity and he did most of the chasing.
He also spent months on end on chatting ad exchanging pics with random women (most when I was pregnant).

OP posts:
itsabootyhole · 16/08/2019 09:37

I did this 8 years ago. Dp cheated in the first year of us being together and I ended the relationship. A few weeks went by and we decided to try and make another go at it but unknown to me he was talking and seeing other girls. It destroyed me and my self esteem hit an all time low. I needed validation that I was still attractive and that it wasn't my fault he cheated and lied. So i hooked up with two different guys in a week,I felt great at the time but I deeply regret it now. One of the guys made it his business to tell my ex that we'd slept together the night before Confused dp was devastated but I felt like he'd had a taste of his own medicine. Anyway dp and I got back together in the end and our relationship is great.
My advice would be to stop what your doing and tell your dh.

“It actually really worries me now that so many married men are on dating sites

I was helping my friend set up a dating account last week. I too was shocked at the amount of married men on them. I saw loads that I know from the same town as me. Their not even discreet about it picture of the face and dicks Confused explaining how their married and live their wives but are looking for some fun and sex with someone new Shock shocking stuff.