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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated on and now a cheater

97 replies

Sleepathon · 15/08/2019 10:33

8 weeks ago I found the Kik app on DH phone. We have been together 12 years. Turns out he’d been on the group chats there, ended up meeting a woman who performed a sex act on him. It was once. I didn’t find any evidence of the sex act, DH was very forthcoming and spilled all. I’ve asked question after question and had answers to them. He is remorseful etc (happened last year when I was 5 months pregnant with baby number 2 - usual pattern 🙄)

I asked him to leave etc and at the moment I am seeing how things are. He is mostly at home now but I do still occasionally ask him to go when I need space. His reasons for going on Kik were that we were in separate bedrooms as toddler DD was in bed with me, he had depression due to loss of a job (but not excusing his behaviour whatsoever), he was lonely, we never had couple time (true), it was escapism. He is currently in counselling and trying to make things right.

Now. From the hurt or whatever I decided to download a dating app. Well it certainly opened my eyes (so many local married men on it!) It sure if it was due to curiosity, attention or what.
I have ended up meeting a man. Have seen him 3 times now and we have had a great time, sometimes I feel guilty but mostly I don’t feel anything. It’s terribly exciting and I can’t wait to see him again.

Thing is I don’t believe my marriage is over. I do see myself spending the rest of my life with DH. So why the fuck am I doing this? I think I’m justifying it to myself due to DH behaviour. I know it’s wrong. But a part of me is thinking life is too short. I don’t want a relationship with this man, it’s sex and it’s a bit of fun.

It’s all a big cliche.

Come on MN words of wisdom. I can’t be the only person in this position?!

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 16/08/2019 11:28

I can't believe some posters are saying they can understand why you are cheating.

Your DH is a total arsehole. You don't cheat on someone you love, respect and like. If you choose to forgive him and stay with him fine but how the hell can it be right for you to now cheat?

I disagree totally with the poster who said others can only say they would never do this if they have been in the same position. Absolute load of shit.

I have never ever cheated. Not on boyfriends and not on my DH. I know absolutely 100% for certain I never would. Cheating is despicable.

Bwekfusth · 16/08/2019 14:58

I think it's understandable tbh. An eye for an eye. I doubt the one sex act was the only thing he got up to. It's just all he's admitting to. I'd end it.

toadabode · 16/08/2019 15:05

You may aswell carry on shagging this guy as your marriage is clearly over

Techway · 16/08/2019 15:12

If you are having an affair because of self esteem and revenge then you are not processing your own emotions healthily.

This is what your DH did, he had issues and looked outside himself and the marriage to fix them.

It is always a temporary fix but will make you feel worse longterm. Do you struggle with emotions, knowing what you feel?

I suspect you were in shock and so upset that DH let you down that you refuse to acknowledge the hurt..it is akin to some people drinking or taking drugs in an effort to ignore or numb feelings of hurt.

Learning to recognise and process emotions is emotional intelligence. As parent its worth getting these skills so you can help your children.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2019 15:16

@mydogisthebest
Has someone who you loved so deeply ever cheated on you?
Because you don't seem to understand anything about what the OP is going through.
But so many of us on here DO KNOW.
That is why we can say what we do.
Until you've been there and got the t-shirt you cannot know how you would react.

And absolutely not! My dog is the best! Grin

mydogisthebest · 16/08/2019 16:24

@hellsbellsmelons no, thankfully I have never been cheated on but I know how I feel about cheating.

I could never cheat. I know that for sure no matter what happened. I think it is totally wrong and I would not be able to live with myself or sleep if I did cheat

oofadoofa · 16/08/2019 18:08

Well she'd know that better than anyone, seeing as she's now the cheater with a bus load of secrets.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 18:14

He told you about his mistake and was fully open and upfront about it.

You cannot know if that's the case.
It's actually unlikely for that to be the case.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 18:16

Op I wouldn't tell your dp.

But if you want to stay in the marriage/relationship, best to stop with the online hookups.

Skittlenommer · 16/08/2019 20:24

Sounds like you’re trying to out do him. Full sex several times is VERY different to a regretful sex act which he was forthcoming out. You’ve not only gone to his level you’ve managed to sink beneath it!

FuriousVexation · 16/08/2019 20:36

Have you realised that monogamy is not for you? Or are you just trying to hurt him?

Due to our society's insistence on monogamy as standard, many people will end up coming out in very spectacular ways. Rather than just "yeah I'm fucking Ronald. And Carol".

Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 20:59

So tonight I:
Deactivated and deleted the online account
Deleted and blocked the OMs number.

Thoughts of meeting him have been all-encompassing today to the point where I know I jut needed to pull my finger out and put a stop to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 21:00

Have you realised that monogamy is not for you?

If you’d have asked me this 8 weeks ago I would have laughed in your face.

It’s funny what a traumatic event in your life does to you. Sad

OP posts:
MidnightMystery · 16/08/2019 21:02

Time for a divorce.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 21:51

It is utterly shitty that he cheated on you (as part of a long pattern of totally inappropriate sexual behaviour/interaction) while you were pregnant with/gestating his child; it's up there (or down there rather) in terms of shitty, low integrity,scummy behaviour.

Maybe you should get rid of him, you don't have to tell him anything or make any fast decisions; just consider how you would manage and do prep.

Oh and all the "you're as bad as him, blah blah/not classy" - fk off, op was devastated and her self esteem damaged by his shitty, degenerate, untrustworthy, immoral etc behaviour ... He brought this shit into the relationship, getting blown by some 50 yr old woman he met online in his car while op's pregnant with his baby, oblivious and trusting - she can do what she fkg likes, proper order (plus he's probably lying )Though I do think it's wiser now ops got it out of her system to stop (which op seems to be doing), take stock and contemplate what's best for her.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 21:54

Also all the depression, mummy issues, blah blah sob story bullshit ... Please, has he not hit on addiction issues or are that going to be rolled out too soon. People who act like that have only one issue - low integrity.

Figgygal · 16/08/2019 21:55

How do you think your husband will react to this?
You may have forgiven him but what if he doesn't forgive you? Are you ready for that?

AlongTheWay · 16/08/2019 21:55

Thing is I don’t believe my marriage is over

It should be now. How very hypocritical of you. Your partner deserves to know, you both kinda deserve each other really but it's unfair you got to be angry at him and he hasn't had the chance to be angry at you.

So do him the courtesy he did you and tell him then you can separate or continue living life worried about which of you is cheating on the other that week.

AlongTheWay · 16/08/2019 22:01

It’s funny what a traumatic event in your life does to you.

Hilarious.. Although for all the traumatic events in my life over the years, including being cheated on, none of them have ever turned me into someone who cheats, who'd be happy to sleep with the first person that came along just to one up the person who did it to me..... I have more respect for myself than that...

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 22:05

None of us have any idea of op's partner has really been truthful about the extent of his cheating .. if he has, it would fly in the face of the vast majority of MN posters.

Do why does he deserve the truth.

Personally I think op should get rid of the scummy for, but whatever she does: she has no obligation to tell him she got some herself - after he blew (no pun intended) their relationship & family to bits with his online exploits. He doesn't deserve honesty and openness. Ok should play her cards close to her chest.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 22:05

*op

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 22:08

who'd be happy to sleep with the first person that came along just to one up the person who did it to me..... I have more respect for myself than that...

He wasn't the first person whom and along, she picked him from a pool of 'candidates" and she didn't shag him out of one upman ship; she did it to feel good about herself (and probably to have some nice sex not tainted by the likes of her partners behaviour).

Anyway, you sound incredibly self righteous, sanctimonious, arrogant and judgemental.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 22:09

*who came along

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2019 22:20

but it's unfair you got to be angry at him and he hasn't had the chance to be angry at you.

He lost the right to be angry at op when he chose to repeatedly seek sexual interactions with other women and then had a blow job off one of them while op was pregnant (if that's truly the extent of what he's done). The defence of that scummy fkr by posters on here is beyond me, who gives a fk about him. Op and her children are the concern.

Original poster
Sleepathon · 16/08/2019 22:48

GilbertMarkham

NAILED IT.

OP posts: