Did I forbid DH from going to shop, how he uses his time & how he spends his money?

[crushedagain]

We are going away for a week in a couple of days' time. There was a little bit of milk in the fridge this morning and a four pint bottle of milk was scheduled to arrive with my online grocery shopping this afternoon. DH said he'd go out and buy some milk in the morning. I asked him not to, as there was enough milk in the fridge for a few teas and coffees and because I'd already ordered a bottle of milk that was coming soon. I had spent time carefully planning our meals for the next couple of days to minimise waste before going away. I didn't want leftover milk to be wasted and I didn't want to buy a small bottle of milk in order to reduce our use of single use plastic.

DH was very unhappy that I asked him not to buy any milk. I said he could have the remainder of the milk in the fridge, which he managed to make at least three big mugs of tea/coffee with. By asking DH not to buy any milk, he accused me of forbidding him from going to the shop, forbidding him from spending his time as he wished and forbidding him from spending his money as he wished. I'm furious, as I consider my request very reasonable and cannot believe that my request means that I forbade DH from all those things. DH cannot see it any other way though.

What's your take on this?

It's not really about reducing the single-use plastic either though, is it? Because if that was all it was, you'd get milk from the milkman (re-used glass bottles).

I think he is overtly controlling via his anger, and you attempt to regain some control over your life by micromanaging. He recognised this 'milk' attempt for what it was, and got angry to show you that you don't even get to have that small bit of power. Because you're now probably not going to try to stop him buying milk ever again.

I doubt his reaction id just about the milk this one time. I'd wager this is a build up of resentments on his part. I e. You telling him what he should/shouldn't do because you know best.

You could freeze leftover milk. It doesn't keep for long after defrosting but ok for a day or two

He was making a big fuss over nothing. Is this normal for him? I don't think I could cope with a partner who turned an incident as minor as this into high drama.

Yanbu at all, he is being absolutely ridiculous otoh.

What a strange relationship you seem to have.

It sounds that neither of you are happy.

You are being ridiculous and you sound like hard work.

The whole situation just sounds odd.

He was frustrated with his umbrella. I asked him kindly if he would like me to help...)

This also sounds annoying to me, like when you drop something and in the moment of frustration someone says 'be careful'. Or when you stub your toe and someone mithers you right when it hurts most. Both of those things make me have a little anger flash and I would probably shout. Being fussed when I was already annoyed with something would irk me. Although, shouting in public is not a good look.

But either way, you don't really seem to be rubbing along very well together and that might be worth thinking about more than the milk.

I would echo everyone saying it's not really about the milk.

Could be be secretly smoking? Is he giving up? That would explain the angry outbursts and the 'essential' errand. (ex smoker here).

Sorry but you are both making it a big deal. DH May just have wanted half an hour on his own, so what if you have a bit of extra milk before you go away. Jesus Christ.

In a normal relationship, it would go like this -
OP: 'No need to go out and get any more milk, there's some coming with the order'.
DH: either 'Oh ok' or 'Oh but I reeeally want another cup if tea, I'll just buy a small bottle '.
OP Fair enough if you're that desperate!

It clearly isn't a normal relationship though. If I were you OP, I'd stop using these interactions as a way of gauging the relative reasonableness of your husband and yourself, and ltb if he's using you as the brunt of his anger.

This is pattern of behaviour that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

He is clearly saying, that if you challenge him on anything (however minor), he will blow it out of all proportion so that he can be the victim. This is to encourage you to either STFU or to equivocate with his appalling behaviour. Whatever it is, aren’t you over this bullshit?

But by the same token, he might not understand why you couldn't think 'fine, he'd like to walk and buy some milk, this isn't worth an argument'

This ^

Is this really the hill you want to die on?

So long as he wasn't required to be doing something else, and not leaving everything to you, surely as an adult he can choose whether to buy an unnecessary pint of milk.

Pick your battles. Oh, and don't offer help either. Adults who want help will ask for it

Just take a step back and try to realise that you're arguing over a pint of milk.

Haven’t read full thread but you are 100% right to try to reduce waste and single use plastics. Everyone should be trying to do that, it’s a no brainer. Sorry your husband has issues though

I thought this was a reverse AIBU at first, that the woman had wanted to nip to the shops and was patiently, and rather condescendingly, told why it was unnecessary because of meticulous planning by the husband and also saving the planet.
It feels controlling and manipulative.
It the story further unfolded that the husband would see the controlled wife's reaction as 'anger issues', it would look like gaslighting and attempting to minimise the woman's feelings, to keep her under control. When, in fact, the 'anger issues' were genuine responses to being controlled.

You sound very controlling to me, no wonder he has anger issues, I bet if you went on holiday without him then he would improve no end without being micromanaged.

Yep YABU you do not get to control anyone never mind you husband. Seriously get a grip, it's a pint of bloody milk fgs 🙄

I think you sound a bit rigid! If milk gets wasted it's gets wasted - no one dies.

All this meal planning down to the last drop sounds a bit intense.

What on earth is controlling about asking your partner not to buy something perishable that you don't need? There are some weird people responding to this thread.

To be honest, I always come at these threads from being written from a point of bias- the author will always even unintentionally write from their own truth, and not the other persons.

This isn't about the milk. This is about other frustrations from both sides and sorry but I'm not sure you're the angel in all this.
Milk is milk, who cares if theres too much. Better to have and not need, than need and not have. With regards to the umbrella, if I was struggling and my oh 'kindly offered to help' hed have got told to piss off. Sounds demeaning and condescending massively.

If this was the other way round and you were the one wanting to go for milk, people would be screaming abuse and telling you to look at the freedom programme. I think you need to have a real look at your behaviour just to make sure theres no alarm bells there as well. If there isn't, then you may want to have a serious conversation as your relationship dowsnt sound the healthiest at the moment

How much is milk FGS... so what if you have to throw one bottle away.
It's not like he was out buying steaks.

You do know milk can be frozen too though. Might be worth bearing in mind for the future.