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Original poster

Did I forbid DH from going to shop, how he uses his time & how he spends his money?

97 replies

crushedagain · 14/08/2019 22:58

We are going away for a week in a couple of days' time. There was a little bit of milk in the fridge this morning and a four pint bottle of milk was scheduled to arrive with my online grocery shopping this afternoon. DH said he'd go out and buy some milk in the morning. I asked him not to, as there was enough milk in the fridge for a few teas and coffees and because I'd already ordered a bottle of milk that was coming soon. I had spent time carefully planning our meals for the next couple of days to minimise waste before going away. I didn't want leftover milk to be wasted and I didn't want to buy a small bottle of milk in order to reduce our use of single use plastic.

DH was very unhappy that I asked him not to buy any milk. I said he could have the remainder of the milk in the fridge, which he managed to make at least three big mugs of tea/coffee with. By asking DH not to buy any milk, he accused me of forbidding him from going to the shop, forbidding him from spending his time as he wished and forbidding him from spending his money as he wished. I'm furious, as I consider my request very reasonable and cannot believe that my request means that I forbade DH from all those things. DH cannot see it any other way though.

What's your take on this?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 15/08/2019 07:14

I guess he can do what he wants but you were giving him sensible advice. I wouldn’t see it as controlling. Unless you locked the doors and hid the car key and physically restrained him.

Why would he go out of his way to spend money that will be wasted though? Are you sure he was really going to the “shop” and that he was really after “milk”? Or was it an excuse to leave the house for some other reason?

lunar1 · 15/08/2019 07:15

I don't think he's in the wrong over the milk. Given that you don't have glass bottles delivered the argument over the plastic just seems ridiculous. The tone of this conversation would make a massive difference though.

AmIThough · 15/08/2019 07:24

@mindutopia you can get a bottle of milk for 80p - he's not cheating 🙄

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 15/08/2019 07:34

Not sure why some posters think OP is in the wrong 🤔" Don't go and waste money on milk it's being delivered this afternoon . There's enough there to last us till then "
Totally reasonable thing - your husbands reaction is just fecking ridiculous !! Tell him to get a hold of himself. I'd wonder if there was something else bothering with him .

onanothertrain · 15/08/2019 07:44

Show some consideration?? It's a pint of milk FFS and appears a bit controlling.

rookiemere · 15/08/2019 07:50

DH massively hates anything that stops him consuming what he wants. At the minute i'm trying to hide the hello fresh ingredients so i can make the meals and i can tell he wants to use random bits of them because he can.
In this case it's a bit weird to try to stop someone buying milk and the rationale for it is a bit weird if you're about to get a delivery.

ThisIsMyBuick · 15/08/2019 07:52

It all sounds a little bit micro-managing. Carefully planning the meals to reduce waste before you go away. Not wanting him to get milk because of reducing your plastic consumption.

I think if my dh had said he was going for milk and then I said there was an online shop coming and he said he was still going for milk...then he's going for milk. There was no need to throw another obstacle in the way of him. He's an adult.

bwydda · 15/08/2019 07:55

I don't think yabu. You didn't stop him. Just said that there was milk coming, it wasn't needed and offered him all the milk there was when objected , right? After that he could have still gone. You couldn't have stopped him, and presumably wouldn't have? You just laid out your reasoning and left it there?

I think he sounds like he wanted to bicker.

Parker231 · 15/08/2019 07:58

He’s an adult, you don’t tell him what he can and can’t buy, particularly something as insignificant as milk. You both over reacted.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/08/2019 08:01

To summarize:
HIM: I am going to the grocery shop. I will get some milk as I see we are low.
YOU: Don't bother getting milk. There is some coming tomorrow afternoon in the grocery delivery.
HIM: You won't let me go to the store and I want to go to the store!
You won't let me get any milk and I want to get milk even if we don't need it and it will sour while we are gone and be wasted!
You won't let me spend MY money the way I WANT too!
Wah, Wah, Wah! (Sulking, angry, and storming around.)
YOU are being unreasonable to think about going on holiday with the big angry baby!

Cambionome · 15/08/2019 08:02

This sounds like the final straw for you in an unhappy relationship. Think about what you are getting out of this.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 15/08/2019 08:02

Controlling people often project this onto others - accusing them of being controlling

Nanna50 · 15/08/2019 08:02

What AmIThough wrote.

You don’t need to ask him not to go for milk it’s up to him. If you say there is milk in the fridge and more coming later and he still decides to get some then that’s up to him.

Carefully planning not to waste, allowing him to have the milk, not understanding why he can’t think like you, using plastic waste to justify your request. Freeze the extra milk or return it to the driver ffs.

I don’t think your request was reasonable, even with the drip feed that he has anger issues, I may well have told my DH to fuck off if he asked me not to go get a carton of milk to save 80p and the planet.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/08/2019 08:02

My take on this is that you probably do this regularly in various forms and he’s sick of it.

TowelNumber42 · 15/08/2019 08:07

What's your plan for your life? Going to stay with anger-man who ruins holidays and has a daft fit over the shopping?

Tonnerre · 15/08/2019 08:08

He's an idiot. If he was that desperate to buy milk presumably you wouldn't have stopped him.

I bet he's now going to drink milk like a mad thing so that you run out and he can say he told you so.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/08/2019 08:10

Does he want to reduce food and plastic waste?

This is a bizarre power struggle. I'd have just told him some was arriving at 2pm or whatever if he could wait - then he can assess whether he still wants to go and get it. It is weird to ask him not to buy milk if you're running out.

He was never going to think "oh DW has planned this, so there's less waste" because in that moment, it wasn't well planned. You're running out of milk. There's nothing to say it won't get used faster than you expected again and all be used before you go, but if you're sure it won't; give the one arriving later back to the driver or freeze it.

allyjay · 15/08/2019 08:16

Oh my god at the amount of people saying you were in the wrong OP. Did people read the bit where op said he has anger issues?

If he wanted to just get out the house for a walk then he would have said 'fine but I think I'll still go for a walk even if we don't need milk'

He got angry because he's Mr Angry. He was looking for a reason to get angry. The milk was incidental. Could have been anything that set him off

munemema · 15/08/2019 08:19

Really odd from both of you.

My guess is there's another reason he wanted to go out and a reason it was so important to you that he didn't.

PurpleWithRed · 15/08/2019 08:21

This is so not about milk.

Strictly1 · 15/08/2019 08:22

I'd have been annoyed at being told no as an adult. Your 'it doesn't matter if it runs out' comes across as dictating. It should never have got to an argument.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 08:27

Sounds like you two really need this holiday!

Artesia · 15/08/2019 08:31

* I wouldn’t see it as controlling. Unless you locked the doors and hid the car key and physically restrained him*

Imagine this the other way round, and posters piling in to tell a woman to get a grip, her DH wasn't being controlling as long as he didn’t hide the car keys or physically restrain her.

I agree with the poster above- this level of micromanagement would drive me absolutely round the bend. It’s a pint of milk, and really not worth this degree of scrutiny.

PhilCornwall1 · 15/08/2019 08:35

@Fizzpopwhizzbang and either buy a cow or get a milkman (or is that person?). I guess then the argument would be about cancelling the milk.

Beautiful3 · 15/08/2019 08:36

If he really wanted to he could have bought the smallest size milk carton.

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