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Original poster

Did I forbid DH from going to shop, how he uses his time & how he spends his money?

97 replies

crushedagain · 14/08/2019 22:58

We are going away for a week in a couple of days' time. There was a little bit of milk in the fridge this morning and a four pint bottle of milk was scheduled to arrive with my online grocery shopping this afternoon. DH said he'd go out and buy some milk in the morning. I asked him not to, as there was enough milk in the fridge for a few teas and coffees and because I'd already ordered a bottle of milk that was coming soon. I had spent time carefully planning our meals for the next couple of days to minimise waste before going away. I didn't want leftover milk to be wasted and I didn't want to buy a small bottle of milk in order to reduce our use of single use plastic.

DH was very unhappy that I asked him not to buy any milk. I said he could have the remainder of the milk in the fridge, which he managed to make at least three big mugs of tea/coffee with. By asking DH not to buy any milk, he accused me of forbidding him from going to the shop, forbidding him from spending his time as he wished and forbidding him from spending his money as he wished. I'm furious, as I consider my request very reasonable and cannot believe that my request means that I forbade DH from all those things. DH cannot see it any other way though.

What's your take on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
crushedagain · 15/08/2019 00:21

clpsmum DH already ruined our holiday a few weeks ago. He shouted at me in public several times. (He was frustrated with his umbrella. I asked him kindly if he would like me to help...)

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/08/2019 00:25

Hmm, I can actually see both sides here. You think the milk will last until the online order arrives, he’s not sure and wants to make sure there’s enough. It would be reasonable to tell him that there’s more arriving this afternoon, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to make a fuss if he wants to buy an extra pint to be in the safe side. I’d be annoyed if we ran out before the delivery arrived. You can always freeze any leftovers.

Everafter1 · 15/08/2019 00:26

You'll be walking on egg shells.

Of course your request was reasonable.
You weren't standing in front of the door arms wide preventing him from leaving were you? Did you give him an ultimatum? Those would be unreasonable.

I see it as a pain when you need to run to the shops last minute to get something you've forgot for cooking etc. It wasn't needed.

Original poster
crushedagain · 15/08/2019 00:30

@Everafter1 No, I didn't prevent DH from leaving! I simply asked him not to buy any milk and gave my reasons.

@HeddaGarbled Even if the milk ran out before the delivery arrived. It's no big deal is it? To go without a tea/coffee for a short while? Like I said, I was trying to reduce food and single use plastic waste.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 15/08/2019 00:31

Even before your update I was going to suggest you not holiday with him.

He’s unlikely to improve in a foreign setting.

Sounds like he’s been puffing himself up with some internet Men’s Rights nonsense. Amazing how the most entitled, free generation of menz ever find stuff to be victims over. And to beat women over the head with. Plus ça change...

Everafter1 · 15/08/2019 00:41

You've not done anything to provoke him.

I thought he was maybe stressed about something else because the situation doesn't warrant that, but it sounds like he handles situations badly. Anger shouldn't be his go to emotion.

LittleWing80 · 15/08/2019 00:47

OP it’s not good. It sounds like you are always watching what you are saying, how / when you say it for fear of upsetting him and he still gets upset anyway.
Have you tried addressing the anger problem or does it see it as there’s problem?

areukiddingme · 15/08/2019 00:48

Sometimes we all need a quiet 5/10/15 mins away from everyone and everything, i bet it’s not about the milk, it’s about the 10/20mins it would take to get the milk that really counts for him and that’s it.. if you asked him “would you pop for some milk for us please?” He would do it. We all need a breather Wine

LittleWing80 · 15/08/2019 00:48

Does it see it as there’s no* problem?

clpsmum · 15/08/2019 00:59

@crushedagain you're a better woman than me I would have asked him kindly if he wanted it inserted somewhere the sun doesn't shine! LTB

Gingerkittykat · 15/08/2019 01:00

Telling him not to buy milk sounds like it could be micromanaging him and controlling. Unless you are plastic free then the bit about the plastic doesn't sound convincing, you could have frozen extra milk.

Him shouting at you in public is definitely not a good thing.

You need to let the small things go.

prawnsword · 15/08/2019 01:15

This isn’t about the milk. In a happy relationship exchange would be more like:

Going up street for milk
Oh no need darl/hun/love We have some coming in this arvo’s Delivery, you have all the rest of what’s left

Him asking for milk made you feel resentful, unappreciated etc so your response reflected that. He probably secretly wanted to leave the house & you curtailed it. He likely has his own gripes with you & your response made him feel whatever his ill feelings are towards you.

Milk can be frozen though & to not buy it to stop extra waste is a bit controlling, it is out governments & large corporations who are responsible for most of the landfill & garbage. It is great to be recycling conscious but it’s no reason to not buy an extra litre or two. It’s milk! How can it go to waste? Just chuck it in some mash potatoes or something....

What am saying with this rambling is the milk is a symbol for a bigger overall issue. When you’re not happy in a relationship every little interaction feels meaningful because you start tallying them up in your mind as significant events.

user1481840227 · 15/08/2019 03:44

To me you sound like you are in the wrong, if you said you didn't need any more milk and he said he wanted to get some more anyway you should have just said ok then.

Why would you go through a big discussion/debate/argument over something so silly and try to micromanage what he buys? I'm not in the UK but surely some milk costs less than a pound.

I'm not surprised he is angry if those are the kind of exchanges that go on in your home, I'd be tearing my hair out!!

The other example you gave about the umbrella sounds like his fault, but you provided very little detail on that, the one about the milk sounds absolutely painful to have to be on the receiving end of!

PhilCornwall1 · 15/08/2019 05:22

Jesus, if the actual issue with him here is the milk, that's mad. I've had almost the same convo with my wife in the past and she's said not to bother as Tesco's we're delivering that afternoon. My response "no problem, I'll make it last till then".

He must be pissed off at something else, or just needs to grow up. If he needed a walk, he should have just gone for one.

Monty27 · 15/08/2019 05:50

If you bicker long enough the milk in the fridge will be sour and you'll have to go to the shop yourself

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2019 06:22

It sounds a silly thing to argue about.
Maybe consider moooving out? Sorry.

aberfallsdown · 15/08/2019 06:38

In isolation - this conversation would happen in my house - I would say what you said but if he still wanted to go that's his prerogative. I think it's the fact that you continued that was the problem not the milk (from him point of view).

KatherineJaneway · 15/08/2019 06:40

My take is your dh is unreasonable. Your reasons are perfectly sound, don't buy something we don't need not to mention an extra piece of plastic.

He's annoyed because you asked him no to do something he wanted to do, the fact it's milk related is a red herring.

quirkycutekitch · 15/08/2019 06:40

Either way this relationship sounds like too much hard work to me!

allthegins · 15/08/2019 06:41

You were in the wrong. I’d have left to get some anyway

Damia · 15/08/2019 06:42

Does he smoke or anything? Or any possibility of secret smoking? If he wanted to get milk and packet of cigs and got told he didnt need to get the milk I bet he would be wanting his fix. Same on holiday if he cant have his secret cigs getting nasty.

sackrifice · 15/08/2019 06:42

If we have extra milk in the fridge before going away I just shove it in the freezer.

soccerbabe · 15/08/2019 06:49

what would have happened if he'ld said "nah I really want to go out and get more milk anyway". Would you have had a go at him about that, sulked all day or just thought "meh, whatever? As whether or not it's a reasonable request to my mind depends on what happens if he didn't comply with it.

AmIThough · 15/08/2019 06:58

I can't believe how many people are saying he is in the wrong.

You are being ridiculous.

You're worried about plastic consumption so he has to go without a few cups of tea until you get your milk in a plastic bottle delivered by a vehicle that gives off carbon emissions?

I'm sure the difference of one small bottle isn't going to kill all the turtles - no more than the big bottle you're getting delivered.

I don't think he has anger issues, I think if this is how you treat him on a daily basis, he has every right to be pissed off.

challengeyourreality · 15/08/2019 07:00

He's a grown man, if he wants to buy milk he can. Imo you were controlling him

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