Paternity

[joedo]

It's been awhile since I was on here - my last post was a stressed out anxious one - then things improved - and some of the paranoia I had were justifiable!

We're at a crossroads - things had gone well but now due to a number of factors we've began to move back to a toxic situation. During one argument I raised my concerns over paternity of our children.....the reason I had done this was due to her reaction to my questioning paternity when I found out she was having an affair.

When I was asking what other affairs she might have had (we had been together for almost 25 years at that point!) and how long - and that she was capable of anything after the emotional abuse and long term affair and her utter denials, gaslighting and attitude towards me (during one argument before I confronted her with my knowledge of her affair she called me a 'fucking piece of shit' and would at times even try and hit me during arguments.

Anyway, she was upset that I had found out about the affair and was in her car crying and talking on the bluetooth (handsfree) when I asked about paternity - her response was the most primal, fearful shrieking noise I have ever heard - and it's left a very deep mark as she vehemently denied ever cheating before and that she would never ever carry another mans child and claim he was mine.

It got brought up in an argument a few months ago and now we're talking about paternity tests - as otherwise I will always use this against her..

When we were first trying for a baby - we had tried for months - and then I had my sperm tested - it was 'clumping' and we were told that this sperm agglutination might have an impact on my sperms fertility.

I remember the period well as my partner was completely driven motivated and obsessed with having a baby - her hormones went crazy - and it was a constant process of having sex at key points - which was more robotic rather than sexy! She went from not wanting to wanting children and went to the extremes!

We had been trying for a year before our eldest son was conceived......I did have some minor doubts at the time as the potential infertility or low fertility of my sperm freaked me out!

Our 2nd son was born 3 years later....with a number of miscarriages suffered along the way.

It used to upset me when people would always say our children look like their mother. When my partner would point out to my Mum some feature of my son that he must have inherited from me my Mum would kind of ignore it or say she didn't see the link.

Anyway, (sorry for long post), we're still together as we've been working on our relationship and trying to give it a shot....My partner has now brought up the paternity testing and got angry - saying that if I don't trust her now then what's the point.....and now she has said that she wants to have the most expensive test done that has no margin of error and is recognised by the courts - and that this could then be given to the Child Maintenance Service so that I'm paying the correct amount in Child Maintenance - so that I pay what I should - and that I can never use paternity against her or hold it over her ever again as some kind of moral victory.

It feels like my bluff is being called - that the financial element - of me paying hundreds of pounds for each test -and child maintenance (while we're still together and living together as a family!) will intimidate me.

She has also said that I should feel proud that I will be subjecting our children to DNA Tests and I will have to explain to them why I am doing this - that I had questioned if I was their father.....I told her that that would be completely damaging and horrific.

So....any views, comment please! I love my children -and the last thing I would ever do is cause them any harm or upset!
My partner doesn't realise that I would only pay Child Maintenance if we split up.

It sounds horribly dysfunctional. Get the tests....I'd get the best ones anyway regardless of cost. Why wouldn't you? Also, why are "you" paying for the tests? Don't you have joint finances?

I did tell her it was going to be from our joint finance - particularly when she told me she would make sure I got the most expensive ones!

Forget the cost. Look on it as the best investment you will ever make. If they’re your’s you’ve bought a certain degree of peace of mind. If they’re not, you’ve absolved yourself of 18 years of financial support - and according to recent court cases, you could be entitled to a rebate from her!

As for the hysteria she kicks up when you raise this: F*ck her. Sorry sweetheart but but being mistrusted is what you sign up to when you decide to cheat. There ain’t no sell by date on that. She is clearly insensitive to the emotional turmoil she has put you in. Don’t be manipulated further.

Beyond the test results, even if they are yours, you need to think seriously about whether you want to be with such a person. And don’t make excuses for her re: hormones. If men threw that excuse up every time they got got with their pants down, the chorus of outrage from women up and down the country would be deafening. She’s an adult. She need to own her behaviour not pretend she’s a victim of her hormones.

And btw - I speak as someone with a similar experience to you. It eats away all the good in you until there is nothing left but anger, hate, resentment and sadness.

I have a male friend who was in a similar situation. He supplied swabs from him and hair samples with follicles from the kids. Didn't need anything from his wife to prove he was the father to only one of three kids. The other two had two different dads.

Get the test.

She is trying to push you into a position where you decide you dont want the test.

The screaming, the upset, the guilt tripping about tell the kids, mentioning CMS is her saying she will leave if you push ahead etc.

To me, that suggests she is at least worried they arent yours.

Personally, if I cheated on dp and I wanted to work on our relationship, if doing DNA would make him feel better and reassurance he needed, I would do whatever it took to get past the cheating.

Regardless of the DNA test, I think you should split.

With the kids, it's up to you what you do. Not paying and cutting them off will be distressing for the kids and you do have a bond with them.

But you need formal access through the courts. If you arent the father, but still want to be the father of the kids, she could make it difficult for you

Worse case scenario and she's lied.

What will you do?

Once you have DNA testing done and she has vindictively fucked up the dc as she's threatened what's your plan?

A) if they're not yours, do you plan to leave and cut contact with the confused and heartbroken dc you claim to love? Or try to love them still and help them over this?

B) if they are yours, plan to stay and try to 'fix' the heartbroken and confused dc you claim to love?

Because either way it sounds like she's will to fuck these kids up as revenge.

Or go a different path - realise this relationship is a shit storm and can't be fixed, so leave, forget paternity and try to parallel parent with the dc you love?

Do the tests.

Leave her.

I’d be ending the relationship regardless.

Get the test done. You can probably do it without her knowing anyway.

Its impossible to say really whether her reaction is down to worry or that she is just a volatile twat.

“Heartbroken and confused dc you claim to love”.... sounds a tad pejorative. I wouldn’t blame anyone for walking out on kids if they found out they weren’t theirs. They would be a constant reminder of a betrayal so the pain would never fade. You can’t deny there is something special about having your own biological children. If that wasn’t the case, why would healthy fertile women bother going though the discomfort and agony of pregnancy and childbirth if they could simply adopt other peoples’ unwanted kids?

The problem with a paternity test is if your fond out they aren't yours, you may not have any rights with them or it may change your relationship with them. To you and them, you are their father. Think carefully of the full effects on everyone if you find out you aren't the father.

Our children are 11 and 15 years old....if I found out they weren't my kids, or that one of them wasn't then it would make no difference to how I feel about them.

I would never cut my kids off or just leave them, to me, regardless of whatever paternity tests showed they would always be my children and I would always be their father.

As it is at the moment, I don't see this relationship continuing, we've been together for 25 years and the amount of stress and the return of toxicity does not bode well. We decided to to try counselling but realistically the scale of the damage done and the wounds are too deep and trust completely gone.

I can't believe I'm going to say it but could you do it without her knowing?

Most companies will send a DNA kit for free and then you include payment details when you submit the test.

You mention you feel you would split anyway. If so, could you do the dna tests to confirm your paternity. If she submits CMS request, they will only do paternity test if you query paternity with them. If you have the CMS test and they are yours, you pay for the test. If you are not the father you don't pay for the test. However the CMS one is like £300 or something so would be better to do a standard test without her knowledge. As you said you still love them but knowing would answer a question in your head and take away some pain of not being able to know I guess?

You can get ancestory DNA tests for cheaper. These tests will show if you are related.

Thanks everyone, it's a shame it's come to this....if any of my kids aren't my kids biologically then it will expose the last 12-16 + years of our relationship and my life, as a sham.

Her 5 year affair that ended in January when I found out, is, she vehemently claims, the only infidelity she has committed within our 25 year relationship.

(I had discovered an EA with a work colleague that went on for a few years - which she still denies and I'm sure was more than EA.....could well be a pattern of behaviour stretching back years!)

joedo

I think that you are correct in what you are doing but just be aware that even with the best of intentions the children may still walk away.

I say this as the very few cases that have made it into the press have not painted the male in a very positive light.

@BoneyBackJefferson
Thanks, I don't think it would take much to present me to the public in a negative light!

Tbh, I've always had a tiny element of doubt about the paternity of my eldest son. This was due to the clumped semen - lower chance of fertility - a year of trying for a baby and my partner being completely obsessed about having a baby.

He's taller than me (I'm 5'9 - he's just turned 15 and he's 5'10) he has very different facial features and I don't think anyone has ever commented on him looking like me in anyway! Whereas our youngest son I can see more of my features.

Our two boys have very different features - completely different noses and eye shape etc our youngest (I hope) has my baggy eyes....poor him!

What her affair has done is to open up a massive element of doubt on the paternity of our children - and that's the worse thing about all of this

Get the DNA test done but don't let the kids or her know that you're doing it. You should be able to get hair samples with follicles from their combs/brushes/after they've washed their hair.
The DC have rights here too, maybe being told further down the line. If they're not yours who is their biological father/s? Have they got half siblings? Have they half sisters they may end up dating if they all live in the same general area?

@EileenAlanna

Thanks, that's a good point about half siblings and dating...if there is any issue with paternity then I think it would be important for the boys to know when they're older - and not traumatised.

Definitely do it under the radar. She sounds horrific. The way she is describing things now is worse than the affair to me personally. I think you need this if anything to give you the courage and conviction to LTB.

Our children are 11 and 15 years old....if I found out they weren't my kids, or that one of them wasn't then it would make no difference to how I feel about them.

Then why do it?

Not that I think for a MOMENT that it won't change the way you feel about them if you 'found out' they weren't your biological children.

You are fooling yourself if you think it won't.

TheSandman

Because he has a right to know?

Or maybe because if the children have a medical issue that is past down through the paternal line, it could affect their choice to have children later in life?

Or maybe of one child needs a transplant it won't be yet another shock to deal with.

Or maybe it will give the OP closure to find out if the children are actually his?

She can only call your bluff if you were indeed bluffing. Get the damn test! Your anger about the cost and your wife’s behaviour regarding speaks volumes about your opposing positions.

The result of the paternity test (whatever the result) will just be another event to continue the toxicity There is nothing left to salvage, that opportunity (if there ever was one) has passed.

The cost isn't much and they can do it covertly through hair follicles, just takes a bit longer for the results. I just had my DS done last week. Was about £250, and you could do multiple children for something like £50 per each extra child.

FWIW DS was found to be my XH's and DS looks not a thing like either one of us.