Paternity

[joedo]

It's been awhile since I was on here - my last post was a stressed out anxious one - then things improved - and some of the paranoia I had were justifiable!

We're at a crossroads - things had gone well but now due to a number of factors we've began to move back to a toxic situation. During one argument I raised my concerns over paternity of our children.....the reason I had done this was due to her reaction to my questioning paternity when I found out she was having an affair.

When I was asking what other affairs she might have had (we had been together for almost 25 years at that point!) and how long - and that she was capable of anything after the emotional abuse and long term affair and her utter denials, gaslighting and attitude towards me (during one argument before I confronted her with my knowledge of her affair she called me a 'fucking piece of shit' and would at times even try and hit me during arguments.

Anyway, she was upset that I had found out about the affair and was in her car crying and talking on the bluetooth (handsfree) when I asked about paternity - her response was the most primal, fearful shrieking noise I have ever heard - and it's left a very deep mark as she vehemently denied ever cheating before and that she would never ever carry another mans child and claim he was mine.

It got brought up in an argument a few months ago and now we're talking about paternity tests - as otherwise I will always use this against her..

When we were first trying for a baby - we had tried for months - and then I had my sperm tested - it was 'clumping' and we were told that this sperm agglutination might have an impact on my sperms fertility.

I remember the period well as my partner was completely driven motivated and obsessed with having a baby - her hormones went crazy - and it was a constant process of having sex at key points - which was more robotic rather than sexy! She went from not wanting to wanting children and went to the extremes!

We had been trying for a year before our eldest son was conceived......I did have some minor doubts at the time as the potential infertility or low fertility of my sperm freaked me out!

Our 2nd son was born 3 years later....with a number of miscarriages suffered along the way.

It used to upset me when people would always say our children look like their mother. When my partner would point out to my Mum some feature of my son that he must have inherited from me my Mum would kind of ignore it or say she didn't see the link.

Anyway, (sorry for long post), we're still together as we've been working on our relationship and trying to give it a shot....My partner has now brought up the paternity testing and got angry - saying that if I don't trust her now then what's the point.....and now she has said that she wants to have the most expensive test done that has no margin of error and is recognised by the courts - and that this could then be given to the Child Maintenance Service so that I'm paying the correct amount in Child Maintenance - so that I pay what I should - and that I can never use paternity against her or hold it over her ever again as some kind of moral victory.

It feels like my bluff is being called - that the financial element - of me paying hundreds of pounds for each test -and child maintenance (while we're still together and living together as a family!) will intimidate me.

She has also said that I should feel proud that I will be subjecting our children to DNA Tests and I will have to explain to them why I am doing this - that I had questioned if I was their father.....I told her that that would be completely damaging and horrific.

So....any views, comment please! I love my children -and the last thing I would ever do is cause them any harm or upset!
My partner doesn't realise that I would only pay Child Maintenance if we split up.

I wouldn't get the test because of the possible effects on the children if you do indeed end up not being the biological father of one of them. Not only will it affect the nature of your relationship with them, but it will alter their relationship with their mother and even, maybe, each other. If you absolutely must do the test, do it privately, and keep the results to yourself. I think that your marriage is toxic and doomed. A five year affair would be extraordinarily hard for anyone to deal with.

By the way, my two half brothers look nothing like one another. And I do mean nothing. Facial features, hair, eye color, temperament. One looks exactly like his father. One looks like his maternal grandfather. Looks don't necessarily mean much for paternity.

Your relationship sounds over Why did you stay with her when you found out about the affair?

She had an affair, that is all her fault. etc.

People make mistakes. People make things worse by trying to cover up their mistakes and/or justify their actions to themselves. Dig themselves deeper and deeper.

The thing about mistakes is ( if you have any sense) that you learn from them - and move on.

Acknowledge the past but don't endlessly re-live it.

TheSandman

People make mistakes

She made a "mistake" for 5 years.
She made a choice to continue that mistake everytime she slept with the OM for 5 years.

So TBF this wouldn't have happened if the OP's wife grew up and left him before she had the affair.

Sandman, i see no evidence from the op’s post that she even accepts she made a mistake

OP. Get the tests done. At least it will prove or not she has had multiple affairs and maybe it will give you the resolve you need.

This woman is behaving like a complete and utter cunting fuckwit because you are letting her.

The way she dealt with you finding out about the affair and the way she is dealing with paternity are exactly the same which basically tells me she isnt sure. If she was she’d be far calmer.

You absolutely have to leave her.

She made a "mistake" for 5 years.

There's a time limit?

People do the wrong things sometimes. (What do I mean 'sometimes'?)

I smoked for 30 years. It was a mistake. I stopped.

Was the mistake my first cigarette? The second? Allowing myself to get addicted? Not taking advice to quit? It was all one big mistake made of lots of smaller ones that followed one from another.

Finally realising smoking was actually a really stupid thing to do I (eventually) stopped.

Life is complex. Reducing everything to simplistic 'she had an affair = "she's a lying cheating slut"' black and white is fucking easy to do from the sidelines but doesn't help anyone.

Sandman, i see no evidence from the op’s post that she even accepts she made a mistake

He's hardly an impartial observer.

TheSandman

Smoking is the best comparison that you can come up with?

Yes we all make mistakes, but your comparison fucks you up more that those around you (generally), whilst ignoring that cheating, lying, deceiving and manipulating someone has a direct affect on them.

So what exactly was the fall out from you stopping smoking?

and "slut" is your word not mine.

black and white is fucking easy to do from the sidelines but doesn't help anyone.

Neither does trying to minimise someone of their part in this.
For anyone to be able to move on all of the pieces must be in place or there will always be some doubt.

@jBoneyBackJefferson

Smoking, adultery, advocating a political /religious belief that you come to realise is false - whatever. The affects aren't material. My point was that chronic mistakes aren't simple one-off acts committed in the knowledge that they are wrong as you make them.

My smoking didn't affect other people that much. My drinking did. People around me were definitely affected by that and relieved when I stopped.

I'm not going to comment on the woman's part in this because I have nothing (apart from the husband's interpretation of events) to go on. I don't think he would be offended if I said he might not be the most impartial or unbiased of witnesses here.

We've only heard his version of her version.

and

Yes you're right, you didn't use the word 'slut'. I'd widened my post to include a response to Otterhound's calling her " complete and utter cunting fuckwit" without making it plain that that is what I was doing.

@TheSandman

It has been said on many threads that we only have one side of the story. This by the nature of forums is true but as the reply goes we either believe what is posted or there is no point.

As for the affair, a ONS is very different to a 5 year affair.
We could quote the unhappily married stuff all we like but the truth is if you are not happy leave, it is that simple and it is that black and white but those having affairs and not leaving seem to be happier with the lies, and deceit because it adds to the excitement, rather than being the bad guy and ending the relationship.

@TheSandman

Surely you realise their are consequences for these "mistakes"? Just because you realised that smoking was bad doesn't exempt you from the consequences of your decision to smoke for 30 years (cancer and other health conditions).

So 'mistake' or 'choice' may be a point of view, but the consequences of this 5 year long affair the subsequent behaviour upon discovery are the same: The compete breakdown of trust and the betrayed spouse doubting the entire relationship including the paternity of any children conceived within it. The idea that this is in any way the fault of the betrayed is just the nonsense peddled by people who think cheating is acceptable.

"We've only heard his version of events" - weasel words to try and justify an unfounded position. This is effectively an ad him.

*ad hom

Do you definitely want the test and feel it's the best thing? From your first couple of posts I was going to say press on, but your last few make me think actually, what benefit would there be to you? I'm not saying don't do it but you have to make damn sure it's the right decision.

A 5 year affair is a whole other life not a mistake.

Get the paternity test done. You don't need her consent...of that I'm 100% sure from personal experience.

It will eat you up not knowing. I don't believe any of the posters saying don't do the test, would take their own advice if they thought the child they were raising might not be theirs... but if course being a man some ppl think that's okay for you to live in doubt.

Your wife has some doubt or she knows one of the DC is not yours. If she wasn't sleeping with anyone else.... she would react differently.

Look online for the samples required. Your kids don't have to know you're doing the test...and if one or both are not biologically yours... you should look at the next steps with a professional.

She's not to be trusted ave she's not remorseful. For a minimum of 1826 days she lied and deceived you... I doubt I could even look at my H if he did that.

No trust...no respect = no marriage. She's destroyed it.

"We've only heard his version of events" - weasel words to try and justify an unfounded position. This is effectively an ad [hom].

Not Ad Hom at all. A simple statement of fact. I'm not saying he's lying. I'm not saying he's deliberately, wilfully misinterpreting anything she said. I'm just saying we haven't heard her version.

TheSandman

I'm not saying he's deliberately, wilfully misinterpreting anything she said. I'm just saying we haven't heard her version

And you never will, but given that she has a track record for lying and being deceitful way do you think that it would make a difference?

given that she has a track record for lying and being deceitful

Loop tape.

We've only... etc. etc.

Tbh if you decided to forgive me after an affair, then spent 8 months questioning the paternity of a 15 year old, id be reacting angrily.

Get the tests done.

Leave your wife.

@TheSandman

At least we know that you have run out of any useful points to make.

I'm not sure I had any useful points to make other than that jumping on unsupported testimony and screaming "Hang the Bitch!" (I exaggerate for comic effect) might not always be the most useful or constructive of attitudes.

But what the hey. It's a Trump world.

@TheSandman sounds like you’re prone to cheating yourself.

@OP your life hasn’t been a shame even if it does turn out you’re not the biological father of your children. Life has perhaps not turned out the way you thought or hoped it would but your life is your own, you have lived it and it has been real to you. It might fall apart and you might have experienced some horrible things during the course of your relationship but it can only ever be what you make of it. I would move on from her regardless of whether the children are yours or not - you deserve more from a relationship.

*sham

My dd doesn't look anything like her dad and they are 100% his (his my only (to date, recently split)

TheSandman

Will you be posting "we have only heard one side" on every single thread?

If not why not?

As for this thread the succinct version is 'wife cheated, I don't know if the kids are mine, should I get a test'

There are lots of grey areas, but none of them are "what is her side of the story?"

Whatever she says now will be tainted by her actions.

@TheSandman sounds like you’re prone to cheating yourself.

I'd get your hearing tested then.

With my wife for 5 years before we were married. Been married 17 years. I have never had an affair. She has - twice. I knew about them at the time. They made her happy. That's all that mattered. They ended. We're still together.