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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't find my husband attractive

128 replies

mummydown · 13/08/2019 19:33

I feel terrible enough for saying this out loud so please don't bash me.

I no longer find my husband attractive. I can't exactly remember when this occurred or why (well other than the fact he has put on a considerable amount of weight over the years). The problem is, is that if I loved him I wouldn't mind, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him more like a best friend but sex is a important to me and it's getting me down.

I feel myself looking and longing for other men, which is never good. I have told my OH how I feel so many times and he ignores me. I finally managed to get through to him last week and he was/is devastated (as you can imagine). However he has said he will make an effort with how he looks but I am worried that won't be enough. We have been together for a long time, we have a young child and we have recently moved into a new home. So to leave now would be very difficult in all ways.

We are going to see a counsellor soon so perhaps they will be able to help? I just don't know what to do. I can't work out why I feel like this because he's such a lovely man, great dad and husband but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Can you even have it all? Can you have a fabulous husband and father to your child and want to f**k their brains out?

Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

OP posts:
EAIOU · 13/08/2019 19:36

Not in your situation?

How old are you both and what was it like at the start? Do you do partner things or mainly parent things?

I'm not going to judge you as you've addressed this with husband but you need to be honest in this process as if you still dont find him attractive when he is a bit slimmer, then hes going to feel like it's been for nothing.

Have you lost the spark? Was it just the weight gain caused it?

FlyingByToo · 13/08/2019 19:41

How old is your child? I’ve heard of this happening when the children are small. Could it be your hormones still getting back to normal? Or because you r so busy (small children can do this to you!) that you don’t spend enough time together 121? or are tired a lot of the time?

Original poster
mummydown · 13/08/2019 21:11

@EAIOU I'm in my early 30s and he is in his early 40s. We have a 3 year old. We do parent stuff mainly as we have no family to help out. The spark has completely gone. I don't fancy him at all. I don't even want to kiss him, not even a peck. I can't work out what happened to make it this way. It's been for a long time now and I have brought it up with him for ages but he just ignored it. He has listened this time though.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummydown · 13/08/2019 21:12

@FlyingByToo Our child is 3 but it was even before I got pregnant that I felt this way. Yes we are both tired we have demanding jobs and our daughter doesn't sleep well.

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MooPointCowsOpinion · 13/08/2019 21:15

I have felt like this a bit with my husband. We haven’t spent enough time on our relationship or communicating effectively, and when we put the effort in things are so much better. Being parents and working so hard in our jobs leaves little time for couple things! We’ve acknowledged the problem, decided we both want to fix it, and trying to make the effort.
I don’t know if it will work out, but I really want it to, which I think is half the battle!

Original poster
mummydown · 13/08/2019 21:17

@MooPointCowsOpinion Yes that's fair enough. We are the same. I am part time now because otherwise we would literally never see each other. I'm not even sure I can get the spark back for him and I'd feel bad that he had put all the effort in (and I wouldtry too) but still feel the same.

OP posts:
MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 21:34

What attracted you (if anything) to him in the beginning?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2019 21:40

Can you have a fabulous husband and father to your child and want to fk their brains out?

You can, yes. I don’t honestly know though if once the feeling has gone that you can get it back.

Tbh if you’ve felt like this for years, including before you brought a child into the mix, there’s probably no way back. Did you have mutual chemistry when you first got together?

Bigmango · 13/08/2019 21:40

Definitely be open to counselling helping. I really recommend listening to Esther Perel’s podcast “where should we begin” which gives fascinating insights into things like attraction and intimacy in relationships. It may be a sign of the end of the relationship, or it may just be a symptom of problems within it. Hopefully therapy can help.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 13/08/2019 21:47

For me, I need to know that if it does end, I put everything into it to try and save it (this is only because my husband is a great man, of someone is having relationship problems and thinking of leaving and the guy is a dick, definitely don’t waste time putting everything into trying to save that relationship!)
Are you on any medication? The pill and breastfeeding really changed me, my personality, sex drive, patience levels. It was scary really when I stopped the pill how different I felt!

NewMe2019 · 13/08/2019 23:40

I felt like this OP. I tried ignoring it for years and just couldn't admit it at all and just kept pushing it away. In the end, a friend confided that her marriage was like mine was and I told her about mine. Last year I couldn't keep doing it as I just got more and more unhappy. I ended it and was relieved and I'm so much happier now.

Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 06:22

@MrMagooooo He was funny, nice, kind, slim and a bit rugged. He was also older which at the time I liked. He's still funny, nice and kind but it's not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 06:23

@AnneLovesGilbert I did fancy him for a while when we first got together but then that started to dwindle. He is such a lovely guy that I thought I would stick around. I was about to leave 4 or so years ago, but then I found out I was pregnant with our child

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Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 06:24

@Bigmango Thank you I will have a listen to that and yes we start counselling this month.

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Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 06:25

@MooPointCowsOpinion I'm on medication for my under active thyroid which I have always been on. It's not that I don't want sex, I do, lots of it, just with him. So that's hard because I need sex but can't bring my self to sleep with him and no amount of DIY helps.

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Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 06:26

@NewMe2019 I'm glad you're feeling happier again. I need to give this due course and attention to know that I tried my best, if it's doesn't work then it doesn't work but at least I have tried. I don't have any friends my age who are in the same situation.

OP posts:
ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 14/08/2019 07:04

How much weight has he put on mummydown ?

Scott72 · 14/08/2019 07:05

"I don't have any friends my age who are in the same situation."
You never know. This isn't something people would like to talk about.

You have to let him know how you feel, be completely honest. He needs the truth so he can decide for himself what he wants. Separate? Or stay together, but only if you both of you are willing to try and improve things.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 07:07

It sounds like you were never that into him and “settled” because of DD. Ending the relationship seems sensible.

RantyAnty · 14/08/2019 07:11

How much is a considerable amount of weight? How is his hygiene and how he dresses? hair?

I would still love my partner if they gained a lot of weight but I might not fancy them if they did gain a lot of weight.

How is his eating/drinking habits? Does he exercise at all?

MrMagooooo · 14/08/2019 08:22

I don't think you should feel guilty. It happens all the time and you shouldn't stay if you're not happy. If you think you can sort it out and your feelings can change give it a go, but I hate to see people staying in a relationship if their not happy when you don't have to be and I doubt your partner would want you to stay if he knew you didn't fancy him or want sec with him.

Loudlady34 · 14/08/2019 08:56

I feel the same about my husband but I think he feels the same about me too. We've been together nearly 20 years since teenagers, and we have both put on a lot of weight. I lost my sexual attraction to him.
I spoke to my mum about it and she told me that a good man who cares for his family and provides everything he can is worth so much. I think I'd stopped seeing all the good points to him.
I could leave, uproot my kids, one of which has additional needs, im a sahm so would have to return to work and put kids in child care, etc and for what? Just to have sex with some one else wh might be a complete loser in other ways.
I decided to focus on all the good points my husband has, which are many, and hope over time the sexual attraction would come back.

Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 09:29

@ErniesGhostlyGoldtops I think he's put on about 3-4 stone from what he was when we first started dating. Over that time I have lost and gained weight but I am still the same as what I was when we got together. I try to wear nice clothes, make up and perfume etc

OP posts:
Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 09:31

@Scott72 Yes you're right. I am sure other people are in this situation but keep it to themselves. I have told him how I feel and been honest without being too "mean".

OP posts:
Original poster
mummydown · 14/08/2019 09:32

@Loopytiles I was into him otherwise I wouldn't have stayed but somewhere over the years my love for him in a sexual way has gone. I love him dearly as a best friend.

OP posts:
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