I don't find my husband attractive

[mummydown]

I feel terrible enough for saying this out loud so please don't bash me.

I no longer find my husband attractive. I can't exactly remember when this occurred or why (well other than the fact he has put on a considerable amount of weight over the years). The problem is, is that if I loved him I wouldn't mind, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him more like a best friend but sex is a important to me and it's getting me down.

I feel myself looking and longing for other men, which is never good. I have told my OH how I feel so many times and he ignores me. I finally managed to get through to him last week and he was/is devastated (as you can imagine). However he has said he will make an effort with how he looks but I am worried that won't be enough. We have been together for a long time, we have a young child and we have recently moved into a new home. So to leave now would be very difficult in all ways.

We are going to see a counsellor soon so perhaps they will be able to help? I just don't know what to do. I can't work out why I feel like this because he's such a lovely man, great dad and husband but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Can you even have it all? Can you have a fabulous husband and father to your child and want to f**k their brains out?

Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

[Hithere12]

mummydown

But that means looks are important to you lol! It’s not a bad thing. I’m just saying if looks are important you’re better off with someone your own age. I stick to men my own age for the same reason.

[mummydown]

@BraveGoldie He has openly told me that he'd look at himself, think he looked bad and then forgotten that he looks bad and carried on as normal without a care. I have just told him how I feel, which I can't help and I have been as nice as I can when telling him everything. We are going to try counselling and yes I feel I would like some time on my own with the counsellor (as should he) to see if there are other issues to sort.

[mummydown]

@ThirdThoughts I just feel that you have purposefully set out be generally mean to me about how I am feeling. Is this some attempt to make yourself feel better? I am not sure, but I frankly I am fed up of it. I am wanting my husband to work through whatever issues he has that are making him unhappy, as well as be healthier and slimmer for himself and our child, not just for me. It is primarily to benefit himself! I am unsure as to why you cannot see this. I am in turn trying to look my best, make an effort and want to see a counsellor to see if there are things that I need to address as well. I am not just asking him to change and doing nothing myself. Nor am I just throwing it frivolously because we have been together for a long time and we do have a child. Also I have not said "if you lose weight I will stay". I have just said why (from my point of view) I feel I am unhappy and he has said that he understands that he has put on a lot of weight and he wants to change that. I am also here to support him in his weight loss, I am doing it too. We make and eat the same meals and are doing it together.

[mummydown]

@Hithere12 There are plenty of men who are older than me who still dress nice, look nice and make an effort. It isn't about age at all.

[Scott72]

"He has openly told me that he'd look at himself, think he looked bad and then forgotten that he looks bad and carried on as normal without a care."

You think he's telling the truth? How can someone be so nonplussed about putting on weight? That's enviable if he's telling the truth.

[Hithere12]

There are plenty of men who are older than me who still dress nice, look nice and make an effort. It isn't about age at all

Very few men age well, just walk into any pub and look around at all the bald, double chin, pot bellied men. The George Clooney silver fox thing is very rare. Atleast if you were with someone younger they’d have their looks for another 10/15 years.

[Loopytiles]

A good counsellor seeing you as a couple won’t see you and/or DH separately in addition - it’s not good practice. You’d need one counsellor for yourself and a different one for couples counselling.

[mummydown]

@Scott72 I can only take what he says at face value. I have told him he needs to speak to someone about his "issues" even if it's not me that he speaks too

[mummydown]

@Hithere12 To be honest I know what you're saying but I do disagree to some extent. I have seen plenty of men who are older than me who are attractive. Anyway that's not the point I'm not looking for anyone else

[mummydown]

@Loopytiles Yes I understand that

[farfallarocks]

3/4 stone is a huge change and I’m not surprised you don’t fancy him anymore, especially combined with poor hygiene. Yuck! I don’t blame you at all. No real advice but this doesn’t make you some awful
Shallow
Person!

[mummydown]

@farfallarocks We have had a lot to deal with recently so I have cut him a lot of slack but it's now getting too much to cope with. Does that make sense?

[BraveGoldie]

Op,
I really don't think @ThirdThoughts is being mean or attacking at all. I think she is working very hard to give you constructive insight and a contrasting view, in a way that you can hear.... her posts are long and nuanced and well worth reading - even if ultimately you disagree.

There are mean, attacking people on this site but they throw insults and judgements without thoughtfulness and that is not what she is doing.

[AgentJohnson]

You say in your earlier posts that you don’t understand why you feel the way you do and then go on to explain exactly why you feel the way you do.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, it wasn’t a surprise to him and his choice to be in denial is a major contribution to his devastation.

Given that there was no real sparks to begin with, given the subsequent issues, it’s hardly surprising that you feel the way you do. Hoping it will get better hasn’t worked before and I personally don’t think there’s much hope and counselling is just delaying the inevitable.

Be as open as you can be during the counselling process because neither of you will benefit from repeating past mistakes.

Good luck

[mummydown]

@AgentJohnson I did fancy him to begin with and we had lots of chemistry. I even look back at pictures of us and still think he looks attractive, just not now!

[SansaClegane]

mummydown I suppose I was in your situation, although he wasn't very nice at all in the end which helped me with my decision.
I never really fancied my exH. I was desperate for children and a family though and he was a very nice, funny guy. But even on our wedding day I was sad because I could see all these other couples (guests) who were so in love and I wasn't. In the last 4 years of our marriage, we completely stopped having sex or any kind of intimacy.
Anyway the years went by, he put on weight and stopped making an effort, down to wearing underwear full of holes and piss stains and three days in a row. When I bought him nice clothes he'd just take them back. He also became very volatile and constantly shouted at me/ the DC, also threatened to leave to keep me in check.
I was afraid I couldn't leave as I'd been SAHP to our 3 young children, we had a house together, I have no family nearby. But one day I did leave and honestly it was the best decision ever. I'm so much happier, the DC are happier, and exH is happier too.
Don't think you can't leave because of commitments, or because you can't do it on your own. You can.

[mummydown]

@SansaClegane I am glad that everything has worked out for you. It's hard and scary isn't it? My OH isn't horrible or nasty (he does snap but then again so do I when tired etc). I did fancy him to begin with and he was funny and kind but now funny and kind isn't enough. I don't know why it's not enough, that's my failing but it's just how I feel.

[ThirdThoughts]

I don't think it's mean to point out that losing weight and keeping it off is very difficult. Or that putting on weight on in middle-age is very common. Or that it's usual after kids to be a bit less focused on maintaining physical appearance. But other people have different values and priorities and are different.

I'm glad that you care about what this means for him as well as what it means for you, truly, and maybe that didn't come across so much in your earlier posts which is why I felt you didn't love him anymore as well as the loss of sexual attraction. That was an unfair assumption.

What it comes down to is this: you can control whether you stay or leave. You cannot control his weight. Even the person themselves can find it very difficult to control their weight.

If you choose to stay in this relationship then it should be with eyes wide open, knowing that what you hope for may not happen or may not be sustained.

That's reality as I see it and I believe it is backed statistically. Not trying to be mean. I don't think I'm trying to make myself feel better but we all have our blind spots.

[mrssunshinexxx]

I should add I am not drinking anymore than usual even though I feel thirsty but I am weeing a lot more which isn't symptom spotting it's a fact so if I aren't pregnant then my body is being v cruel :( x

[mummydown]

@mrssunshinexxx Hey hun I am not sure if you have posted on the wrong thread. X

[mrssunshinexxx]

@mummydown sorry thanks ! Xx

[mummydown]

@mrssunshinexxx No problem hun x

[mummydown]

@ThirdThoughts Ok that's fine. Just your posts came across as you were attaching me for being confused, upset and down about the whole situation. I'm not controlling his weight; I control my own and wish he would give me the same courtesy.

[RantyAnty]

I am wondering if a counsellor can help him care more about his weight?

Not just for you, but for himself as it will catch up to him and he'll begin having health issues from. It won't be pleasant to watch someone you love go downhill.

Do you both have long commutes? Is there a way to cut back on your working hours a little?

It might be good to spend some money on joining a gym and you both go. People spend on holidays and lots of other things but tend to let their health go.

Would he be interested in a sport? Cycling?

[itsabootyhole]

I get you. Dp is 8 years younger than me and when we met him we were all over each other, and I fancied him loads. 8 years down the line and 2 kids later and although I stayed the same weight as when we met dp put 4 stone on and I didn't fancy him anymore and couldn't bring myself to kiss him let alone have sex with him. Then my youngest started sleeping through the night and dp started the gym and has now lost 3 stone, he's back to looking after himself and his appearance and I'm back to fancying him and we're having tonnes of sex I think it's a combination of my hormones getting back to normal and him finally looking hot again. Could that be what's going on with you?