I don't find my husband attractive

[mummydown]

I feel terrible enough for saying this out loud so please don't bash me.

I no longer find my husband attractive. I can't exactly remember when this occurred or why (well other than the fact he has put on a considerable amount of weight over the years). The problem is, is that if I loved him I wouldn't mind, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him more like a best friend but sex is a important to me and it's getting me down.

I feel myself looking and longing for other men, which is never good. I have told my OH how I feel so many times and he ignores me. I finally managed to get through to him last week and he was/is devastated (as you can imagine). However he has said he will make an effort with how he looks but I am worried that won't be enough. We have been together for a long time, we have a young child and we have recently moved into a new home. So to leave now would be very difficult in all ways.

We are going to see a counsellor soon so perhaps they will be able to help? I just don't know what to do. I can't work out why I feel like this because he's such a lovely man, great dad and husband but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Can you even have it all? Can you have a fabulous husband and father to your child and want to f**k their brains out?

Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

[ThirdThoughts]

I read over your post again. You say you feel terrible and not to bash you.

Your predicament of finding yourself in a relationship with someone who you do not find attractive any longer, I can understand why that is hard. I'm not saying you really ought to stay and have sex with someone you aren't physically attracted to. It must be hard to end a relationship.

But I do think your ongoing treatment of him is cruel. You are criticising him and trying to change him into someone he is not. That's not fair or kind. It's not going to have the desired effect.

It is your responsibility that you didn't end the relationship 4 years ago or whenever you were planning to. Stop punishing him for that decision.

[fedup21]

@fedup21 We have started to diet. I have lost 10lbs in the last 4 weeks and I think that he has lost similar, so it is coming off

That is brilliant! Can I ask what you are doing diet wise?

My DH’s eating habits are terrible-he seems unable to stop-we all have to hide stuff from him or it’s gone. He eats bowls of cereal and rounds of toast late at night as well-I think it’s boredom. it’s like he has no off switch. That is unattractive too. I would love to be able to leave a bar of nice chocolate in the fridge and have one square a night but I will never be able to.

[mummydown]

@ThirdThoughts He was so slim, good looking and made an effort when we got together and for that was the same for years after that. It's only been in the last 4-5 years or so that things have gotten out of hand. I do not see how me wanting him to be how he was is trying to change him. All I want is for him to try to be who I had fallen in love with. He hasn't made any effort at all, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't think much of me. We have a child and home etc which is why I have stayed despite being miserable. I am not being cruel, I am simply saying how I feel. Do you think I actually want to feel this way? Do you think I actually want to have my marriage and family breakdown? I do hope that you never go through anything like this, because if people spoke to you the way you're speaking to me it wouldn't be helpful.

[ThirdThoughts]

Cross posted with your reply. You do think I've been harsh. Of course you have a right to be happy between now and 70. And so does he.

My point was that physical attractiveness isn't a permanent trait and to watch out for chasing youthfulness at the expense of other qualities.

[mummydown]

@fedup21 It is slimming world. We are just following that plan. I managed to get a discount code so I got 3 months very reasonably so I am pleased. I am not overweight but I would like to lose a little bit of weight after having my child. Oh dear hun, have you tried having a genuine sit down conversation with him about it?

[mummydown]

@ThirdThoughts I am not trying to chase youthfulness! I am simply trying to express why I think I feel the way I do!

[ThirdThoughts]

I'm sorry that you feel my replies are unhelpful. Of course you don't want to be in this situation. I hope you and your husband find a way to be happy in future, together or separately.

[fedup21]

physical attractiveness isn't a permanent trait and to watch out for chasing youthfulness

I don’t think it has anything to do with chasing youthfulness. I often look at my dad and uncles who are decades older than my DH but not overweight, and think how much nicer they look.

It’s not chasing youth, it’s wishing the person you loved wasn’t morbidly obese.

[mummydown]

@fedup21 I completely agree. OH's dad is 30 years older and looks better!!

[Decormad38]

So I think if someone ploughs on the weight and you find it unattractive then you're allowed to feel that way but on another thread when the DH found the wife unattractive for piling on the weight they said he was a dick and she needed to leave him.

I think if he's not listening to you then what is your option? Find someone you are attracted to.

[mummydown]

@Decormad38 I don't just want to throw it all away, if that makes sense? We have gone through so much together so I am willing to try but he needs to as well. I think that was the point I was trying to make. I think it works both ways, it is human nature for attractiveness to dwindle. He has started to listen, whether he will continue to I am not so sure, but we will see.

[fedup21]

@fedup21 It is slimming world. We are just following that plan. I managed to get a discount code so I got 3 months very reasonably so I am pleased

Are you both going to meetings? Where did you find a code?!

I haven’t really had a proper chat about it. He has a history of depression which I suspect that would trigger.

[mummydown]

@fedup21 No not going to meetings as work schedules and childcare don't allow it. I think it was BELLA19. I think you do need to gently bring it up with him or it won't get resolved and you can't be unhappy.

[Fatted]

Is it really his appearance OP or is it other things manifesting themselves in his appearance do you think? Do you really honestly think that you would like him any better if he lost weight?

As someone who struggles with their weight and who is also having problems with their marriage, I think his weight is a red herring. Whenever I put on weight, it is because I am unhappy with other parts of my life. I wonder if the same is true for your DH. I'm currently struggling to find my DH attractive but it is because of other things, not because of his appearance.

The idea of leaving is uncomfortable. I understand that completely. But in reality, a few months of hardship from separating is easier than 40 plus years of bitterness and resentment in a shame marriage.

[mummydown]

@Fatted I am not sure, it is the only thing I can think of to explain how I feel like this. We are going to go for counselling which will maybe shed more light on it. It is hard. The idea of leaving is hard when we do have a nice life other than the sexual side of things, but I need the sexual side of things. Wanting that is just part of who am I, so to give it up feels like I am giving up a piece of me.

[Loopytiles]

your early post implies that you weren’t especially sexually attracted to him even pre DC. It seems unlikely that you will be attracted to him again. If one or both of you want a sexual relationship this one doesn’t seem salveageable.

[mummydown]

@Loopytiles I guess, yeah. Like I said we will see if a counsellor can help us

[mummydown]

@Loopytiles I guess, yeah. Like I said we will see if a counsellor can help us

[fedup21]

I probably do, yes. I’m not sure how to bring it up? I don’t want to be unkind.

So have you both joined SW online or just one of you but you’re both following the recipes. I can imagine it will be expensive with two?

[Loopytiles]

If the attraction has gone for you, Counselling won’t address that.

[mummydown]

@fedup21 I just paid for one membership and gave him my account details so that he can use the app too. It's that not expensive. It's quite easy to follow. Feel free to private message me and I'll help you x

[fedup21]

See, I am still attracted to my DH. He’s funny, clever, nice looking (facially), nice hair etc and I did fancy him for a long time. I just find his stomach physically grotesque-I hate myself for feeling like this. It looks like it’s been inflated and I find his size so embarrassing. The fact he looks so awful-will sit with his T-shirt not meeting his jeans with his stomach flopping out for everyone to see makes me think less of him-he just looks like a state. If I tell him or come and pull his top down a bit-he gets pissed off and says, ‘oh ffs-not this again’.

I don’t understand the mentality. If that was me, I’d want someone to tell me I was spilling out. When he lifts his arms up-his stomach ‘apron’ hangs out and I’ve seen people visibly recoil. It’s very unattractive.

Maybe I’m shallow?

[mummydown]

@Loopytiles Perhaps

[mummydown]

@fedup21 I don't think you are. I totally get it. I think parts of me aren't great so I cover them up. I would hate to think that people would be thinking "euuurgggh look at her". Although maybe I care about that too much?

[fedup21]

Exactly, @mummydown

I will message you. Thank you x