Another not good enough to stay not bad enough to leave...

[Jadetreesbringluck]

Im really not sure what to do. Married 6 yrs together 12, 2 boys (7 &10). Lots and lots of ups and downs. We have been to marriage counselling a couple of times and it was helpful but not the magic pill I had been hoping for. In fairness to him he has made a lot of changes over the years. It took time but now he is more hands on in the house, will do housework and is good with the boys. He loves me, I know he does and he has been there for me through really tough times (mental ill health & bereavement). He is very supportive of my career and of me in general.

So the problem is...although he has made major improvements..I think Im done. I think I have completely checked out. No sex - I just cant bear it. I pick at him all the time, his breathing annoys me. His cuddling in bed annoys me (used to love it). The way he eats, moves, talks...you get the picture.

I just dont love him like he loves me. I love him as the father to my boys. I love him as a friend. He is very loyal and as I said above very emotionally kind and supportive.

I have fantasies of moving on and getting a small house for me and boys and go through all the scenarios in my head about how well we will co-parent. (It works out very well in my imagination!)

I have had this feeling for at least 3 years now i think - on and off. I did have some personal counselling recently as I hoped that would help give me some clarity. I have dealt with past issues and now this is the only really problem that is haunting my every thought. I have not been sleeping very well (although this could be down to meno and new meds).

We moved to the other side of the country only 9mths ago - to be nearer my family. I did say to him before we moved what would he do if we did break up? He said cross that bridge IF we come to it. SO we are here in the new place and I still feel the same about him, so what now?

I have spoken to him about this numerous times - but I have never ever said 'I dont love you enough to stay' even though this is the truth of what I feel.

I feel so guilty - this will break him. Also my boys - will this damage them? I have been further and further away emotionally in the last few weeks - I think I have been waiting for him to come to me and ask whats going on but he is not saying anything.

What will I do?

So I had a look back over my posting history - and I found a post from 2016 saying pretty much the same thing. So over 3 years I have been feeling like this.

Its not going to get better is it?

I don’t have any advice but I’m in exactly the same position so watching with interest.

Would you want your boys to be in a relationship like yours? When they’ve grown up and gone, what then? The thought of feeling like this in another ten years fills me with dread.

Sending you love, it’s an awful position to be in.

I feel for you, I really do.
I could have written your exact post, only one child about the same age as your youngest or so.
I've also been feeling like this for the past 3 years & also moved closer to my family.
I totally get the annoyance factor - ahhhhhhh even someone saying his name now grates on me, so you can imagine what's its like when we are together.
I have to run right now, I need to be asleep before he comes home (avoidance) but I know I'll be back later as I also can't sleep
You are not alone

How are we doing today?
Today, I went to the funeral of a friend. Fair enough she was in her late 70s & I'm only mid 30s but it has shown me life is too short

Same here. Just thought I'd say hi.

We've put a plan in place to really make an effort so I can try and fall in love with him again. But I doubt it will work. Not sure if I'm being cruel and dragging it out.

I've also probably been three years feeling this way. Not good is it?

The sad thing is, I don't want to fall back in love. I'm done. That's the unfair bit

I feel exactly the same. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can see his bad behaviours (or at least the ones which don’t chime with my values) developing in my children. And I was to raise them differently. But. How will it work, what will the impact be on them. Is the grass ever really greener. I don’t know. But I’m miserable.

I don’t think you can re-ignite the flame once it is extinguished, sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, just my opinion based on my experience

I'm not in this position, but it sounds like you really need to break up with him but are too nice a person and too worried about everyone else to do it.

Please do if this is how you feel. It s horrible and sad and heartbreaking, but you are a person too. You only have one life and you can't help this. You have tried, but it's time to move on

You say that this will 'break him.' But you can't really know that. Not really. It's not actually fair on him to decide this on his behalf.

He will probably be devastated and unhappy -- most people are, when a marriage ends. But broken? Hearts mend, over time. In a few years he might meet someone else who he loves and who actually loves him back.

Leave now while you still have some respect and compassion for him. If you wait too long you'll become resentful and bitter, or you'll be tempted to have an affair. Better now, while you can still be kind to each other and have a good shared-parenting relationship, than later, when you start hating and resenting each other.

Just to add, in reference to your boys. It doesn't have to be damaging to them. If you remain respectful to each other, don't bad-mouth each other, continue to work well as a co-parents, there is no reason this has to permanently scar them. On the contrary, I know plenty of adults (by own DH, my mother, many friends...) who say they spent their childhoods wishing their parents had divorced. In many cases, not because the relationship was abusive, but just because their parents were obviously unsuited and unhappy with each other on a daily, grinding, low-level-misery-inducing level.

Think about it this way: you are, in your own words, picking at your husband constantly. This must be miserable for him, but it's also probably creating a pretty sad atmosphere at home for everyone. Everyone in your household deserves better. It's not your fault that you don't love him anymore, but you and your husband are the adults -- you ought to make the change for your kids.

Basically, your kids will be healthier adults if they don't have to endure living in a house where everyone is 'just about fine but not really'.

Do you actually need to leave him though? You don’t mention anything about wanting another relationship. Or is he just that annoying? Maybe you could move into desperate rooms and work out your schedules so that you see less of each other? Although I suppose that you upset him too but that’s unavoidable at this point. It’s one thing to not be around him if you don’t want to, you can’t br expected to suffer for his sake. But it seems unkind to take his children away if you don’t need to.

I spent the first 15 years of my relationship with my DH (sort of ex now) convinced that we weren't right for each other. Everything bothered me! He was inconsistent with work, smoked funny stuff daily, didn't help around the house much, didn't cook, didn't brush his teeth daily, not ambitious, not a great step-dad (though my son was soooo challenging) etc. Anyway, I tried leaving a few times - he wouldn't let me. Left once for a year but he was so persistent, I fell back into the relationship and moved back in. Often told him we just didn't feel right but there was always something keeping me there - usually things mostly out of my control. We finally fell in love and accepted each other, got married and then he began showing signs of MH - delusional jealousy. It got worse and worse until I finally had to leave. Although he is in complete denial about his MH, he often tells me that if he does have any MH issues, they are all because of me telling him he wasn't good enough all these years. I never told him that or at least not in those words but I did continuously tell him that we weren't a good match due to the many differences between us.

Not sure if this helps but when one person isn't into the relationship, it affects both people.

You owe it to yourself and to him (and the kids) to say something. At least open up the conversation. It may be once the stark reality of splitting up kicks you you feel differently.

It’s all very well having a fantasy about being with your boys but however we’ll you handle it they will be affected. They will be upset understandably. You will have to not see them for weekends, half the holidays, Christmas morning possible etc. You may see you husband meet and fall in love with someone else. You will have less money, you will have a divorce bill.

I’m not saying don’t leave him but don’t go into it with a fantasy head. Dealing with the fall out of a divorce is hard work and dealing with the kids emotions as well as your own is hard.

But you have one life and you need to be happy or at least feel at peace which it sounds like you’re not st present. Good luck with your decision.

I'm in the same boat, I really sympathise with your dilemma.
We have two DC 10 & 9 and since DC1 was a baby things have gradually gotten worse between us. There is a big age gap between me and DH, he is a lot older and in hindsight, too stuck in his ways to have become a father at a late age. As much as he loves our DC, he resents not having enough time and space to himself, even though I try and give him that whenever possible as I know how important it is to him. He's also put on an awful lot of weight these past 10 years and is now mordibly obese, which I find a complete turn-off (I feel guilty about this) and we rarely have sex, maybe once a year if that. His weight means he can't actually do much, when he gets home from work he lays on the sofa looking at his ipad and doesn't move for the evening as his knees hurt from the day, then weekends are more or less the same. Any days out with him are rare because I have to think of something that doesn't involve too much walking. Oh, and his patience is very thin so whenever he does come out with us it usually ends with him getting the hump with someone or something and we go home. Despite all that, amazingly, the DC adore him. He can be very funny and entertaining to them, albeit for a 20 minute stint every now and then. If they were indifferent to him, I would have left by now, but they really do love him. I think we're really good at putting on a reasonably happy relationship and that's why I don't think the DC think there's anything wrong, although they do comment on Daddy being moody sometimes and always on his ipad.
The problem I have is that a lot of how I feel about DH depends on my hormones!!! For about one week a month I think we're fine, we still have lots in common and we still laugh a lot together, the no-sex and laziness is a problem but I'm certainly not easy to live with and when you weigh it all up its not worth destroying the family for. Then for the rest of the month I range from being mildly irritated by him to absolutely despising him, can't bear to look at him, hear him eat, breath, eurgh, and I feel so trapped and sad about my life with him.
I worry that our DC have not got a positive male role model as a father. I worry that I'm not being the best mum I can be because I'm not truly happy. I worry that I'm only 46 and this could be it for the rest of my life, I have nothing to look forward to after the DC have grown up. (in reality I'll be a carer to DH probably..)
DH knows things aren't good and we joke about it (not infront of the DC) and say how I'll buy him a place of his own nearby if I win the lottery and that sort of thing.
DH came from a broken home and his DM treated him terribly during and after the split, so he feels very strongly that marriages should stay together for life, he wants the stability for DC that he never had. And yet he doesn't exactly work to make ours happier. He would say its my fault, he says he loves me and desires me more than ever and it's me that's not happy, it's me that's moody and that I'll never be happy no matter what I've got. I just think he's turned into a miserable, lazy, fat old man who sucks the joy out of everything.

Sorry, think I needed to get it all out!

I'm sorry you're in the same boat. Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of us out there.

And sorry, in answer to your question, no, it's not going to get better. I think once you're 'done' with the relationship, it's nigh on impossible to get that spark back. If I could turn back the clock and have my DH from 10 years ago, yes please, all would be fine, but that DH no longer exists. I get fleeting moments of him every now and then and that's what keeps me here I guess.

And my DH would be utterly broken if we split and he couldn't live with DC any more, so I totally get that that's a main reason for staying. To have that heartbreak on your shoulders is a heavy burden - maybe that's why our DH's will never be the ones to initiate 'that' conversation and admit it's over?

"maybe that's why our DH's will never be the ones to initiate 'that' conversation and admit it's over?"

I think this comes down to a difference between men and women. Men rarely seem to lose the "spark" towards their partner. They just don't mind or even seem to notice as much if the relationship loses intimacy - unless they meet a new woman who reminds them of what they've been missing. Which is why people here often say there's usually another woman if a man suddenly decides to leave a relationship.

Think about it this way. You break up and he moves on with someone else. Your boys might have half siblings. You blend in new families. You say polite hi to his new girlfriend/ wife.
Still want to break up?
This is real life situation, happened to me. Divorce was absolutely right way for me but it saddens me massively that my DC are nearly forgotten whilst their dad is busy planning a new baby.

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I am going to talk to him now am dreading it! My mum took DS last night and the other is at camp so we are going to have lunch. He has no idea whats coming and I am sick with worry right now.

I am thinking of saying that we can give it 6 mths but that he needs to be prepared if it doesnt work.

Wish me luck - will come back and update when I can.

Good luck. I hope it's gone ok. You will feel terrible initially but give yourself time to digest what you've said out loud and how he has responded and you will be glad you have made a move towards a resolution. Even if you don't know what that resolution is right now, it is a step towards it. Hugs.

I’m in a similar situation. Things came to a head about 6 weeks ago but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave-mainly because of the children. The thought of having to break up the family was too much. My husband was clear that he wants us to stay together, but there is no spark there anymore and I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I’m 50 and feel if I stay much longer it will be too late to leave and start over. I find it so depressing and it’s definitely affecting my MH. He is also emotionally abusive at times.
Anyway-massive respect to you OP. I hope the conversation has gone ok. Good luck!

Well done for being so brave and not letting the situation carry on as it is anymore.
I truly hope it works out for you, whatever way that may be.

How did it go @Jadetreesbringluck?

Long and leggy

Do not stay within such a crap marriage because or for the children. Are you really staying for your own sake here, whose sake are you staying for really?. If your h is emotionally abusive towards you then the marriage is over anyway. He is not a good dad to them if he is emotionally abusive to you.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours is, no you would not. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here? Stop doing your bit here to show them that this is still acceptable on some level.

How did it go? Hope you’re ok!