Another not good enough to stay not bad enough to leave...

[Jadetreesbringluck]

Im really not sure what to do. Married 6 yrs together 12, 2 boys (7 &10). Lots and lots of ups and downs. We have been to marriage counselling a couple of times and it was helpful but not the magic pill I had been hoping for. In fairness to him he has made a lot of changes over the years. It took time but now he is more hands on in the house, will do housework and is good with the boys. He loves me, I know he does and he has been there for me through really tough times (mental ill health & bereavement). He is very supportive of my career and of me in general.

So the problem is...although he has made major improvements..I think Im done. I think I have completely checked out. No sex - I just cant bear it. I pick at him all the time, his breathing annoys me. His cuddling in bed annoys me (used to love it). The way he eats, moves, talks...you get the picture.

I just dont love him like he loves me. I love him as the father to my boys. I love him as a friend. He is very loyal and as I said above very emotionally kind and supportive.

I have fantasies of moving on and getting a small house for me and boys and go through all the scenarios in my head about how well we will co-parent. (It works out very well in my imagination!)

I have had this feeling for at least 3 years now i think - on and off. I did have some personal counselling recently as I hoped that would help give me some clarity. I have dealt with past issues and now this is the only really problem that is haunting my every thought. I have not been sleeping very well (although this could be down to meno and new meds).

We moved to the other side of the country only 9mths ago - to be nearer my family. I did say to him before we moved what would he do if we did break up? He said cross that bridge IF we come to it. SO we are here in the new place and I still feel the same about him, so what now?

I have spoken to him about this numerous times - but I have never ever said 'I dont love you enough to stay' even though this is the truth of what I feel.

I feel so guilty - this will break him. Also my boys - will this damage them? I have been further and further away emotionally in the last few weeks - I think I have been waiting for him to come to me and ask whats going on but he is not saying anything.

What will I do?

Just read rest of thread and your update OP. It sounds like you (and your husband it seems too) have handled it so well and hopefully you can both move forward in the future

jadetreesbringluck

I ended my 22 year marriage (together for 30) just a little over 4 weeks ago :( The hardest thing ever.

My question is or rather my problem at the minute is the utter guilt I have for the hurt I have caused to DH and DD's. My DH is utterly devastated like you he never saw it coming it was a total shock as it was to my DD's :( I feel soooo bad and I'm really struggling to find a way to cope :(

Any advice greatly appreciated :)

@Diabetes123 I'm not the Op but I kind of restarted her thread...
It's been 2 months for me. I'm still in the same house as DH, separate bedrooms for more than 10 weeks now, it was, as you say, devastating to him but not totally unexpected. We had some wonderful times, lots of fun, but over the last few years it's been steadily worse.
I feel so guilty, but I had some individual counselling and time and time again they said, guilt is a useless emotion.
You're responsible about how you behave to your husband, how you deal with everything, how you split, with kindness and honesty and compassion, but you're not responsible for how he reacts.
My DH has now realised he's got social anxiety, depression, etc etc...
Thing is I whilst I feel terrible and guilty that I'm not trying to support him in this, I still have to remember that when I had depression, exhaustion from 2 non sleeping children, a full time job and him barely helping, or prioritising work over getting to know his children, he didn't even notice. Even when I told him, he didn't step up.

So I remind myself of that as much as I can, I remind myself that with me he isn't really happy, the real problem is he's scared, doesn't want to move out of his home, doesn't want to be alone. These are all things I've felt and are what kept me rooted to the spot, scared shitless of doing anything to sort it out.

Youve done the first hard bit, actually you've done more than me because we haven't told our DC, who are 5 and 10..hes not told anyone, I have.
After that, yes it's going to be hard, but it's a little at a time, it's just one step at a time.
I'm told by friends who have gone through this that in a year, 6 months even, I'll look back and wonder why I didn't do it earlier.

Life’s too short for shit relationships.

@datingdickheads you said it quicker than I did!