Another not good enough to stay not bad enough to leave...

[Jadetreesbringluck]

Im really not sure what to do. Married 6 yrs together 12, 2 boys (7 &10). Lots and lots of ups and downs. We have been to marriage counselling a couple of times and it was helpful but not the magic pill I had been hoping for. In fairness to him he has made a lot of changes over the years. It took time but now he is more hands on in the house, will do housework and is good with the boys. He loves me, I know he does and he has been there for me through really tough times (mental ill health & bereavement). He is very supportive of my career and of me in general.

So the problem is...although he has made major improvements..I think Im done. I think I have completely checked out. No sex - I just cant bear it. I pick at him all the time, his breathing annoys me. His cuddling in bed annoys me (used to love it). The way he eats, moves, talks...you get the picture.

I just dont love him like he loves me. I love him as the father to my boys. I love him as a friend. He is very loyal and as I said above very emotionally kind and supportive.

I have fantasies of moving on and getting a small house for me and boys and go through all the scenarios in my head about how well we will co-parent. (It works out very well in my imagination!)

I have had this feeling for at least 3 years now i think - on and off. I did have some personal counselling recently as I hoped that would help give me some clarity. I have dealt with past issues and now this is the only really problem that is haunting my every thought. I have not been sleeping very well (although this could be down to meno and new meds).

We moved to the other side of the country only 9mths ago - to be nearer my family. I did say to him before we moved what would he do if we did break up? He said cross that bridge IF we come to it. SO we are here in the new place and I still feel the same about him, so what now?

I have spoken to him about this numerous times - but I have never ever said 'I dont love you enough to stay' even though this is the truth of what I feel.

I feel so guilty - this will break him. Also my boys - will this damage them? I have been further and further away emotionally in the last few weeks - I think I have been waiting for him to come to me and ask whats going on but he is not saying anything.

What will I do?

UPDATE:

So I bit the bullet and the whole sorry tale came spilling out. He was so hurt and I felt like the worst in the world. He handled it so well, even though he was in shock as he never thought I had lost the love for him and he was very clear that he loves me more than ever. He obviously knew things were bad and had of course noticed that I had checked out over the last few months.

He offered to move out immediately - or to go away for a few days to give some space. When he said that I was SO upset!! He said the way I was speaking it sounded like it was over. I said that I didnt know if thats what I wanted and we agreed to talk some more later.

We have had a few conversations since and he has been so good. Asking if I am ok? Bringing me wine & chocolate when I had horrendous period pain. Even though his heart must be breaking he is still nice and kind and loving towards me.

I actually feel so much better - because I am no longer carrying this burden alone. He said as hard as it was for him to hear this that he was happy I told him and I shouldnt have kept it to myself for so long. It has given me a wake up call I guess - I was so upset at the thought of him leaving I am now wondering if I should stay. I have agreed to give it 6 mths and see how we go - but that we need to make a plan on how to reconnect and try everything possible for our own sakes and of course for the boys.

He was very clear that he would always be there for us and I think that if the worst came to the worst that we could co parent really well together.

So all in all I am glad that I spoke out - we can now give it 100% and see what happens - but at least we will know we have tried everything.

I felt like this for a long time OP. It never came back for me and we split last year, although I was just relieved.

Why not ask him to move out temporarily and assess how you feel alone? If you have felt like this for 3 years I'm not sure another 6 months is going to make any difference. You can see if you genuinely miss him and want him back or it's more the thought.of everything changing.

We are doing exactly the same and have made a concerted effort to spend time together over the past few weeks. I don't know if I'll ever love him the same again but it is a happier environment and I am seeing him differently. Best of luck to you xx

Massive well done and the best of luck to you.

Do you resent him for anything in the past OP? It sounds like you have made up your mind but it might be useful to understand when and why you fell out of love with him. Also don't fantasise about your new life too much. Stay realistic. Its going to be a very tough adjustment for all. People will get hurt.

understand when and why you fell out of love with him
Perhaps there was a distinct reason, but often it seems it just happens due to people growing apart.

Have you thought properly about how you’ll feel if you split and he goes on to start a new relationship? Sleeping with her and having a life together?
Also have you considered how you’ll feel about your children possibly having a step mum, being parented by another woman and them not being with you at home all the time and having a home elsewhere?
If you don’t get the most awful gut wrenching feeling thinking about all of that then I think your feelings for him are genuinely gone and it’s only fair to you both to move on and find people who can make you both happy.

Yes it can be growing apart but I often find it's something hurtful they did in the past that youve never truly let go of. Especially if they've never acknowledged it.

OP, do you actually want him to leave, or was that a fantasy?
Because your reaction to the reality of him saying “ok, I’ll go” wasn’t exactly unbridled joy, was it!
You were very upset at the thought of him leaving, even temporarily. Maybe that was the cold water reality check you needed?
Why not sit down and think about all the reasons why you loved him and married him originally. Ask yourself what happened, and whether any of these reasons still apply to your relationship now.
What would need to change to restore those feelings you once had? Is there anything you can change?
Because I’m not convinced you really want out, when you react the way you describe. I think you may be in a rut and have created a little cosy fantasy in your head, which isn’t standing up too well to a dose of reality.
Many marriages get stale or dull or have a dry patch. Partners age and change, mature at different rates, grow apart. Partners need to keep adapting and developing together, making allowance for each other, sharing each new phase of life as they reach it. Middle age may not be as passionate and energetic as the early years together, but it can have a solid core of love and appreciation, and shared memories, that carry you through.
Don’t throw away what you have until you are sure you’ve tried everything together to save it, and are also sure that you actually want to split. Because I’m not convinced you do.

So I also bit the bullet - I did it today, told him it wasn't working.

I went to my dad, whom I'm very close to, first. He was devastated. Cried, blamed me, told me this was going to kill him, wished I had told him I had a terminal illness instead.... Not what I was expecting from my own father. Very hurt & disappointed as I told him of the ramped up emotional (& some physical) to me & my son.

So my (D) H accepted we were over, didn't seem shocked or surprised, handled it a million times better than I ever could have imagined. Even gave me a hug & told me not to apologise, it was OK.

I feel like I'm shock now, I have no idea what to do...

Any advice?

@TableDesk I can sympathise but not able to offer much advice, I'm in the same position, my DH sort of knows but is expecting counselling to fix it. I don't think it will. You've done the hard part, but actually it as oinds like a good, if hurtful reaction?
Your dad, well, it's not his life. He doesn't get to live it, tell him to marry your DH if he's that keen!

@Jadetreesbringluck I'd love an update, if you're around, it's been 6 months, did it come back? I'm giving it 6 months after 6 years of on off feelings for DH, lots of resentment over about 10 years (could have written your OP) and, unfortunately, infidelity on my part... I font think it's coming back, I think I'm done. Taken a lot of thinking, counselling and antidepressants to get me to this point and I've still not been strong enough to tell him I want out, properly.

Hi Stega,
Many thanks for your reply.
I'm sorry that you are in the same draining situation too. It sucks. For everyone.
'D' H is not a bad per so to speak. I don't feel hurt that he took it OK, I want him to be happy and be with someone who wants to be with him. I'm just not that person anymore.

I'm lying crying in bed at my dad's reaction however. I'm a only child. Unbelievably close to my dad, we live next door in fact. Have been playing the happy families card for so long now, I think it was part shock in his behalf, but it still hurts. Badly. From the outside we have it all, picture perfect possessions. I told him I'd swap in all in heart beat just to make myself & son happy. He can't grasp this idea as on paper, it's perfect. You speak truth as I have before think that my dad kind of lives his life through me/ me & H, in some ways...
I have never seen him so upset, even at his father's funeral, he sobbed to me about the shame involved.

If it helps, I've been in counselling since summer of 2019. It has helped immensely. I'm trying to employ the tactics she has taught me re my feelings are my feelings and don't need to be validated by anyone else. I don't have to be the people pleaser I always am, I have to put myself first sometimes. She helped me practice lines to say instead of caving in & saying id try again, put it behind me, work on the relationship. I am beyond that point & have been for a while but needed grow some balls to finally believe I could follow through with it. Next step is telling DS(11) but I think he'll be accepting.

I really wish you all the luck in the world Stega & muster up the strength & courage when you're ready, as life is short. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is it
Stay strong x

I think I'm going to voice a slightly different opinion.

Your DH sounds like a very very nice guy, who's mature, sensible, and really loves you. You must have seen something in him. However, I totally get that some relationships fade.

I have had one relationship which faded like that. I understand it. I've also had one with a lot of ups and downs, but notably, the core attraction stayed intact. And one where the attraction is as strong or more over a very long time.

There is a particular type of glue that makes you stick to someone, whatever, and however long. If that's not there, it can never really have been there, in my experience.

However, there sounds to be a lot of good in your DH and actually your life with him. And, crucially, you guys have a job together for now and years to come, which is bringing up your kids.

Would you splitting up make a difference? You bet it would.

I think I'd stay put. I'd work on the good. For the sake of the children. And actually because I think you're just a bit bored and disillusioned with your relationship. Things could be sooooo much worse. And there's no guarantee that bring on your own would feel ultimately better. Because you're in a family. This isn't just about you, or st least that's what I would feel.

Abusive DH? Yes of course can't be tolerated. Nice DH who is doing his absolute best to help and be approachable and understand? I'd try to meet him half way. For better for worse, etc.

Just to put another viewpoint in. I think when is gone, it's gone and deep down you know the answer to that question, even if you are moving heaven and earth to make it work.
I also disagree with staying together because he is a good man and father. You have one life and no one will thank you for living it as a martyr in the misplaced view that someday your children will thank you for it!
I agree it is a tough road to divorce for everyone involved, and I think a lot of people stay put for that reason. That said I don't think any woman contemplates this route without some serious soul searching and most certainly don't think the grass is greener, it's just different grass...but maybe that is what's needed. You just need to be brave and own your gut instincts.

Hello all and @steagsarusmum

So its been a few months and while things improved slightly nothing really got sorted out. I decided that I have to go with my gut and so have ended the relationship. I feel so much better! Even though its been really hard and my dh is very upset and depressed. He is staying in the house for now - trying to find a rental. I said he can stay for 3 months until he gets something local.

There were lots of tears but no shouting or arguments really - just lots of sadness. Im sad for him but kind of excited for a new future for me?!

I know its going to be difficult and I need to go back to work full time. I hope he will be ok and that we can co parent as well as I think we can. Am worried about the effect on the dc but equally was worried about what we were showing them about marriage.

He hasn't told anyone irl yet. I have told a few of my closest friends and the reaction has been on of support and kindness. I think its the right thing to do.

So that's my update - I tried and tried and tried but it just didn't work.

Thanks so much @Jadetreesbringluck for that update.
It's of course sad, none of us go into marriage thinking it won't be forever. For me it's been 20 years of him being my friend, boyfriend and then DH, so givi g it t ime seems like the right thing to do.
It's good to hear you feel optimistic about the future. I'm trying to keep an open mind as we start counselling next week but I think we are much further gone than you were by the sounds of it.

We have had counselling and it did help a bit so i wish you the very best of luck with it .

I understand the need to try everything and feel that I did all I could. I really hope my dh can pick himself up from this and hopefully we can manage this horrible situation as best we can especially for the kids sake.

Im going to counselling for myself now.

@Jadetreesbringluck sorry, me again hassling you, just wondering how you are getting on... My DH is at the point it sounds like yours was in Feb, I told him in April and he's started looking for rentals, but is very very depressed and doesn't want to go. Still hasn't told a soul, I've told a few not mutual friends.
Just wondered how you are all coping? Think over the next few weeks we will be telling the children and families.

@steagasaursmum well hes not moved out yet!! First Covid...then his mother died!! It has been quite stressful!

Hes back at work now and looking for a rental (but not hard enough!). However iv given him some extra time because of all thats happened. We still haven't told tje children (waiting until he has a house sorted).

I still feel 100% better that the decision has been made. Although difficult conversations about maintenance (whole other thread for the feminist board.!) And having to explain that he cant have them every weekend...its hard.

If you can get him to tell a friend that will help. My dh has told a few and they have been a great support. He also went to Dr re depression and is on meds now which have helped him massively and hes going to counselling!

Well done OP- keep going, don't let things fall back to the status quo. xx

My parents split up when I was 18, and I wish they had split up a decade or more earlier.

@Jadetreesbringluck that sounds do difficult and so similar. Things are very amicable here on the surface but he's drinking heavily and is very down, refuses to tell anyone or do anything for himself.
He is however looking at rentals and at furniture, which is positive.
I still care for him and want him to be OK but the way he's reacting to all this, shutting the children out, not even bothering to ask about their day, or do anything with them... Its not making me feel very supportive, as it's just building up more resentment.

One step at a time, we will get there!

Tell the kids though up. Don't spring this on them and then 2 weeks later their dad moves out. They could blame/resent you for it.

Scott72 Interesting read your comments:

Men rarely seem to lose the "spark" towards their partner. They just don't mind or even seem to notice as much if the relationship loses intimacy - unless they meet a new woman who reminds them of what they've been missing