When would you move your partner in?

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

Single mum. Unexpectedly met somebody 6 months ago and it's really great.

What worked for you? How long would you give it till you amalgamated lives?

I'm probably going to start looking into it this time next year, but it has surprised me how quickly 6 months has passed and at how it feels like we have been together for years (in a good way.)

I'd totally admit that I judge people for doing things too quickly- but being on this side of it I can see how it's easy to get swept up in it.

@tigerbear Have you put his name on the mortgage?

OP where is your DD's dad - not that he has a say in this but you say you want a role model for her?

Personally I would never move another man in with my DC. If something happened with me and DH, I would only date and not move someone in. But I live in Ireland and really divorce etc is so uncommon that I have little to relate it to. However my DM's mum died when she (my DM) was 11 and she would never have wanted her dad to remarry.

But also you would need to consider if you wanted more DC and if he wanted more DC. That would mean you had to move in with him at some point.

Also, teenage girls are very hard work and really, you would not want him living with that, he might get angry with her moods and then that could cause divisions between you and him and you and DD. I say this as someone who has to referee my DH and my DC sometimes as the mood swings increase.

My mother (who is a narcissist) shacked up with her current husband within months, married him within a year and has now spent decades whining about what a fucker he is. Refuses all help and revels in the drama, but I was forced to live with some dude she barely knew, and live in a toxic, emotionally abusive house which will effect me for the rest of my life. She should have kept her sex life separate to the kid she chose to have, all this ‘blending’ shite going on is just a pain in the arse for all concerned, just so the adults can have a boyfriend/girlfriend/even more kids, ffs.

(I was 13 when she moved her boyfriend-now husband in, and I dearly wish she hadn’t inflicted it on me)

@userxx no, why?

Femodene it doesn't have to affect you forever, I've been there (we moved in with one after 6 weeks of dm knowing him, there were more), it takes a lot of counselling but you can overcome it

I know forthering 💜 I’ve had CBT which helped way more than counselling ever did (I was sexually abused as a toddler by my mothers other choice of husband), but the effects of having cortisol and adrenaline flooding my developing body and brain will impact me for life, plus the burden of having toxic relatives and PTSD reactions to stuff.

That sounds really hard Femodene I'm low contact with all my family

I always think with threads like this where people have opinions on how well dc can cope with change etc, and in real life, "they bounce back" (I wish), the thing I reckon is most useful is the experiences of MNers who were actually in that situation as kids

Mycatatetherat, a useless and inconsistent dad doesn't really make a difference to the scenario - because even the most wonderful stepdad isn't going to make up for the dad's disinterest or rejection.

@tigerbear Just wondering with you saying you split all bills. It's a good idea to not have him on it 👍

Without children 9 months
With children 18+ months

I’ve witnessed men in and out of children’s lives like boomerangs and it’s truly damaging because they form such close bonds.

Userxx 👍he pays half of the mortgage (and all bills), but isn’t on the mortgage.

@tigerbear I think that's how it's going to work for me, he'll save a fortune in rent and hopefully I'll have my bins put out once a week!

Never
I like to do what I want, when I want, with who I want
He can stay over occasionally, when it suits me

@fotheringhay totally agree with you. I was a child with a shit dad and then a teen with a shit stepdad. Both have impacted me. I wish I could say I chose better for my own kids' father but turns out I'd followed the blueprint. Hence all the agonising over my current relationship!

IME, parenting teens was the hardest part. They need you there, even if they are doing more on their own with their mates (plenty of them do a load with their families and want to) more than ever. It's not a good time to bring a live-in partner into the mix, IMO.

I agree, Femodene.

Never - I lived with my ex for 20 years and that’s long enough to live with a man. I’ve been with my DP 4 years and I spend a lot of time at his and he at mine and he gets on great with my kids, but I like my independence, having the bed to myself a few nights a week, only having to think about the kids, not picking up after someone...etc etc. I might rethink when they’re older and have left home, but we’re both financially secure and at the minute this works for us.

Never. I will never live with another man again, although quite happy to have a relationship and stay over here and there. But I won't be washing another man's pants ever again.

Op our situations sound similar. Been with DP 7 months but have known him a long time. DD is 10 and has also known him a while as part of a larger group.

However I don't think I will ever want to live with a man ever again. I'd resent the extra work it brings and DD and I have our own dynamic going on

I like my space too.

DP would jump at the chance for us all to live together and financially I'd be much better off

But I don't want to

After you have had a long conversation about money, chores and childcare (including sanctions).

Why is your house in trust to your DD? Solicitors advise against this especially with young children. I own two houses and tried to put one in trust for my DS due to inheritance tax, they advised against it and it wasn't even my main home. What's gone on that this has been advised?

Anyway I have noticed every man I meet wants to move in and play house quickly.

Do what you are comfortable with, however I sort of co-parent my nephew and partner has a little girl. Big age differences and there have been clashes before we even live together. Likewise I personally think my partner is the best thing since slice bread and I love him very much, however his and my opinions on running houses (cleaning, normal day to day etc) vastly differ. Hold out till you are 100%

@soapona I keep my money overseas and this was an easy way to safeguard this property as part of DD's inheritance and means that ownership can never be questioned.

Not sure why your solicitor advised against it. It's quite straightforward.

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy solicitor advised against this as teenagers and young adults can be unpredictable with property ownership. I wasn't terribly fussed as it is an investment property not main home.

I can't see the appeal of moving someone in myself and getting mixed up financially when you don't need to.

3 years. Waited a year before he stayed over night in the same home, 3 years before we moved in together.