Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

When would you move your partner in?

100 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 12/08/2019 20:41

Single mum. Unexpectedly met somebody 6 months ago and it's really great.

What worked for you? How long would you give it till you amalgamated lives?

I'm probably going to start looking into it this time next year, but it has surprised me how quickly 6 months has passed and at how it feels like we have been together for years (in a good way.)

I'd totally admit that I judge people for doing things too quickly- but being on this side of it I can see how it's easy to get swept up in it.

OP posts:

Animum2 · 14/08/2019 07:24

Dh moved in 10 after months though we had a lot of Friday to Monday weekends before that

When it's right it's right

MintyT · 14/08/2019 08:15

My partner moved in after about two and a half years even then it was very very bumpy but 20 years done the line all is very good but if I had my time again I would have waited longer

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 14/08/2019 08:49

No matter how good it feels right now, you simply don't know someone after 6 months. Anybody can maintain a facade for that long. Until you've seen him at his lowest...when he's angry...when he's on the up....and when things aren't going well....you just don't know him.

For me, the answer is that I wouldn't move somebody in while my kids are kids. They went through that with their Mum moving someone in very quickly, when the kids barely knew him. Theh hated it. I will not put them through something like that, and I will not risk another insecure woman putting at risk the very happy lives my girls and I have built up.

Maybe when they're grown up, I'd consider it. But, even then, I'd need to have known the person for years, not months.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2019 09:39

When it's right it's right

Until you split up...

elliepac · 14/08/2019 09:59

2 years for us. Introduced him to dc's (who were 11 and 7 at the time) after we had been dating a while and I knew he was going to be around for a while. Gently gently at first. Then progressed to him stopping over occasionally and us spending time at his every now and then. Then we went to him spending weekends with us and his older dc's too. After 2 years we took the plunge and moved in together with my dc's here about 75% of the time (rest with their dad) and his ds here all the time.

I agonised over it all for ages. Not only the dynamics of DP and my DC's but also DSS and I and all the DC's together. However, we have blended really well. Everyone gets along. We both let each other parent our own children and yet support each other in big decisions. I think it works because we took time to get it right, we all respect each other's space and we have bonded really well as a family.

My advice would be take your time. You will know if/when it is right. Watch the relationship between your child and DP, see how they react with each other. Spend more time with DP, we practically lived together before we actually did so I felt we had taken the time to get to know little foibles etc and nothing, like nothing, had shown itself. I talked to the children beforehand and if they had showed any wariness it would have been a no.

BogglesGoggles · 14/08/2019 10:03

Not until you are married. I wouldn’t risk introducing someone into my child’s family until I knew there was at least a commitment to permanency (obviously marriage doesn’t always mean forever).

SaintEyning · 14/08/2019 10:05

user141840227 given that our kids have met once for less than an hour at a performance, and that DP’s kids are forming a bond with him after two years of parental alienation, the last thing I would ever do is move in together. Which I made clear to him when it came up a couple of months ago - not that he was talking about it, just we were discussing our ideal future homes and both agreed that it would be a looong way away for us to think about living together.

I have known this man for just over 6 months, i can’t possibly say I really know him yet. His kids don’t know me and my son, my son likes DP well enough but he would be very upset at the thought of having to share me with him more than the one night a week (for the last month) that DP stays at ours. Before that, we only saw each other when the kids were with their other parents.

And the evident stress that was placed on my ex’s relationships with his two DDs as a result of us putting our need to see each other more ahead of what was right for two kids caught in the middle of a super acrimonious relationship between their parents was a steep learning curve - one we both bitterly regret.

Also, aside from not disrupting DP’s kids’ lives after a period of instability, and the fact that my DS and I have a lovely little set up now, I don’t want to tangle my finances up with someone else again, even minimally as I did with my ex.

Penguincity · 14/08/2019 10:09

About 2 years, but due to dps job and hobbies and ds seeing his father, 4 - 5 mornings a week and 4 nights a week for the first 2 years after dp moved in ds didn't see dp, which I think made the move much easier

category12 · 14/08/2019 13:27

Bogglesgoggles, Marriage, when op owns her home outright, wouldn't necessarily be a smart decision - it would give him a claim on the property. He could inherit if she died.

Op, I do find it unlikely that you know his attitudes towards housework and finances are "kosher" in the six months you've been dating.

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 14/08/2019 14:22

I know it's early to think about it but as I've made clear it's just something I am pondering at the moment and would consider more fully this time next year maybe.

Not interested in getting married but in any case he wouldn't have any claim on property as I've signed it over to DD in a trust.

DD is 10. So I'm aware that there's not long before she's a teenager and probably won't want to do as much stuff with me anymore.

As I said before upthread- dating for 6 months but have known longer. There's no wild skeletons in the closet.

Feeling a bit defensive, but really this is just me thinking things over in my head as it's not something I've ever had to consider before- hence wanting to know what other people have done.

DD always comes first.

OP posts:

oreoxoreo · 14/08/2019 15:17

I am 3 years in and moving in together is not even in sight. My DC are 11 and 8. I think my DP is either a coward or really doesn't love me. My only consolation is that my DC are probably better off in our small household of 3, as there is no blending.

glittertissues · 14/08/2019 17:38

TrollTheRespawnJeremy You are doing the right thing by considering your options before diving in. I’m surprised at most of the responses to this thread tbh, I was hoping to live with my bf within the next 6 months or so when it’d be just over two years together for us. My DS will be 15 by then. Now I’m considering whether this is actually completely selfish of me and I should wait until he’s left home. That’d probably mean ending things with bf, as he is keen to get married and have dc of his own. God this is relationship business is confusing. Sorry to hijack your thead

fotheringhay · 14/08/2019 18:29

OP I think you're probably feeling defensive because the responses here are unlike in the wider world. In reality I suspect people move new partners in much faster.

I'm glad the opinion here is to wait, as I was a child with multiple 'step-dads', always painful losing them and never seeing them again. Lived with one for 10 years and no one considered it might be nice for dsis and I to stay in contact with him

I can also see the other side of the coin, as I'm a single mum now and I know how much our lifestyle would improve with two incomes. But it's a massive risk, so I'll be waiting a long time (xh moved immediately in with ow though)

fotheringhay · 14/08/2019 18:31

glittertissues in your position I'd go with what DS wants I think

boredboredboredboredbored · 14/08/2019 18:36

I'm two years into my relationship, have no intention of considering living together for at least another 4 years when both my dc will be at Uni. For me I don't want to mix the relationship and the dc. I'm very independent both financially and personally so feel it's best to keep it this way.

I'm marrying him next year though oddly enough!

timshelthechoice · 14/08/2019 18:37

Not until they kids are adults.

averythinline · 14/08/2019 18:46

if you arent planning on other DC then I would say either before shes a teen say 12ish or not until after gcse or not at all.....teen years are tricky and can be parenting difficult that said my mum got together with my step dad when i was 13ish... he didn't move in properly for a number of years but was 'around' and actually was quite useful as a less involved party in our extreme teen battles! but wthout moving in did provde a role model that was nt a useless one like my dad

@glitter your Ds will be heading into GCSE ...is that a good time to be introducinig big changes??? it would depend on how their relationship was I guess but I'm not sure it would work for many DC .....maybe after and pre a level/college>

Ninkaninus · 14/08/2019 18:55

My OH and I have maintained different households the entire time we’ve been together (over 10 years now). My girls were 9 and 12 when we first got together and I was not going to move another man into their home. Their dad still very involved so I was not going to expect them to be okay with another potential father figure taking up residence. I was also extremely conscious of the fact that although he was a very good and decent man and someone I had really fallen in love with, since they had absolutely no choice in that and no autonomy in the situation I was not going to expect them to rearrange their lives and home and security/stability around the fact that I happened to like this man a lot. As it happens they like him a lot too, he is great with them and we all get along nicely, but it’s always worked very well for us to do things this way. We decided very early on that we were not going to move in together until my girls were grown up and out on their path in the world, and we’ve stuck to that. I’ve never regretted it.

CIareIsland · 14/08/2019 19:10

OP I am surprised that your reason to move him in is to improve finances? For who? You are already mortgage free - so it is only him that would be saving his rent by moving in with you?

You have only been dating 6 months - was your DD aware you were dating throughout? I don’t think that you can really claim that your bf being in your wider social circle beforehand will have added to the 6 month dating timeline that your DD has been privy to? As I doubt any 6,7,8,9 year old takes too much notice or builds any sort of relationship with random guy in her Mums friendship group?

It does sound like your are rushing this. It sounds like your know his background - so be confident that it will work out for your and him BUT put all of the emphasis on your DD - and take the advice of the people I hear who have done this.

TimeForNewStart · 14/08/2019 19:22

I also think it's important for DD to have some good male role modelling around

Really? That sounds like you’re justifying your own wants as being in DDs best interests.

tigerbear · 14/08/2019 19:28

Oh gosh, I’m going to be wildly unpopular here!
My DP and I have been together 1.5 years. He moved in with DD and I after 5 months, and we got engaged at Christmas.
I can honestly say that mine AND DD’s lives have never been better than now.

He has enriched every single part of our lives, and I don’t regret it for a second.
DD ADORES him, he spends time with her doing games and activities, teaching her stuff, working on new projects together, etc.
She is thriving at school since he came on the scene, is a very happy and secure little girl, and constantly tells both of us how much she loves us and being a little family.

I know it’s a cliche, but this relationship feels so right, more than any other.
Since splitting up with DD’s dad 7 years ago, I’ve had several relationships, but nothing like this, and never moved anyone else in.

DP and I share the same values, share all finances (joint account as soon as he moved in for the mortgage, bills and groceries - and incidentally for all activities and trips related to DD are included, such as days out, holidays etc). He’s more than happy to help pay for private school for DD, if needed.
He comes to school events with me, sports days, we have family board game days, movie nights, he organises parties for DD, shares childcare during the holidays.

The right person should enrich your life, make it easier, make every day more exciting and special, and he does.

Both DD and I are blissfully happy, but I’m sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me I’ve done it all wrong.

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:48

It's a massive risk, and you're still in the honeymoon period, tigerbear. It could well work out wonderfully for you and your dd, and I hope it does, but it's not a template for everyone.

SophieSong · 14/08/2019 19:50

I think at least two years to wait for the honeymoon period to wear off and for everyone to get used to one another on a longer-term basis.

But for me, personally, the time would be about 20 minutes after never.

tigerbear · 14/08/2019 20:04

@category12 I agree, it’s not a template for everyone at all, but it works for us.
If things ever did start to go awry, or if DD didn’t like the set up, then we would obviously need to re-evaluate things.

Mycatatetherat · 14/08/2019 20:20

I started a similar thread a few days back and got encouragement to take things forward otherwise I'd live alone forever out of fear of upsetting my dc!

Still no wiser tbh. Wish I could foretell how it would impact on my dc. I wonder if people think differently when the dad is useless and inconsistent?

Flip

1 2 3 4