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Original poster

When would you move your partner in?

100 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 12/08/2019 20:41

Single mum. Unexpectedly met somebody 6 months ago and it's really great.

What worked for you? How long would you give it till you amalgamated lives?

I'm probably going to start looking into it this time next year, but it has surprised me how quickly 6 months has passed and at how it feels like we have been together for years (in a good way.)

I'd totally admit that I judge people for doing things too quickly- but being on this side of it I can see how it's easy to get swept up in it.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 13/08/2019 16:30

But yes, having been a single parent for 14 years, I really can't imagine bringing anyone else into our home actually.

Bananalanacake · 13/08/2019 16:32

at least 5 years or when the youngest moves out. whatever happens first.

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/08/2019 17:59

Readitandwept I think we must think along the same lines.

All of the people who says 5 years plus etc. I want DP to be able to enjoy having youngish children as well so don't want to wait until DD is a teen or moved out. I also think it's important for DD to have some good male role modelling around.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 13/08/2019 18:12

Is her dad not around?

feistymumma · 13/08/2019 18:22

Never

StrawberryTot · 13/08/2019 18:27

Ohh I loved reading the replies to this thread. How interesting the variance in time.

I’m 3/ 4 years in, getting married next year and we still don’t live together yet.

sanmiguel · 13/08/2019 18:35

Couple of years? If necessary due to distance etc. I wouldn't want to risk screwing up and DCs being affected.

category12 · 13/08/2019 19:02

He can be a good male role model without moving in. Making a mistake and picking a wrong un to move in would have a lot of consequences for the dc, more than lack of live-in male role model.

Man moving in doesn't necessarily mean he takes on half the domestic chores and lightens the load. Often he doesn't, and in fact increases the workload - doesn't pick after himself, expects to be waited on. Does new man look after his own home? What's his attitude to housework? How does it work with his parents - what example has he grown up with?

Man moving in doesn't necessarily cut bills - feeding grown adult man is expensive, council tax, utilities - what's his attitude to money, is he a saver, a spender, is he thrifty, generous, stupid with money? How would he contribute and would him moving in compromise your security?

readitandwept · 13/08/2019 19:11

Rethinking this, (and it is all hypothetical and not something I need consider as my dc is 14.5 and I wouldn't move someone into his home at his stage) but my timelines add up to 2.5 years. When I think how quickly the last 2.5 years have passed, no, I wouldn't do it in that timeframe. Jeez, the last 14 years of my DC's life has flown by!

WhyBirdStop · 13/08/2019 19:32

It was eighteen months for us but neither of us had children, I owned he was renting and we'd been best friends for 14 years by that point, knew each others' families and grew up together, so knew quite quickly it was serious. It would need to be much longer if there were children involved and I had only known him six months.

WhyBirdStop · 13/08/2019 19:34

Why on earth would you be thinking about someone you've known for six months as a role model to your children?! They shouldn't even know him at this point.

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/08/2019 21:03

Dating for 6 months- not known for 6 months.

DD knows him as part of my wider friend group which is why we have been away as part of a group etc. She can't 'forget' him conveniently.

Thinking of him as a role model is important as if he doesn't have the characteristics that I would admire in a person then I wouldn't let him near DD.

Upbringing/family/attitude to money/attitude to family/women all kosher.

My home security etc would be fine as I've paid off my mortgage and safeguarded it. This house is mine and DD's alone on paper.

OP posts:
glittertissues · 13/08/2019 22:42

How old is your DD @TrollTheRespawnJeremy? (I meant to tag you earlier but tagged the wrong username Blush)
This thread has been really interesting as I’m in a similar situation except my DC is 14 and I’ve been in the relationship for nearly 2 years.

MerryDeath · 13/08/2019 22:45

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thissss

if i was independent with my child i would not be changing that! and OP if you must make sure you've seen him in all seasons at least

PositiveVibez · 14/08/2019 00:53

I love having my house with DD to ourselves but equally the cost of running two homes is £££££

It costs you exactly the same as it did before you met him.

howdyalikemenow · 14/08/2019 01:08

Interesting thread. I'm a single mum if tjree dc (17,14,19) and I've been with my dp
for just over a year. He occasionally stays over (kids know and like him - met after we'd been seeing each other 9 months), but having had one disastrous 7 year relationship with ex dp where he lived with us I'd never put myself or my kids through that again. I won't be living with anyone until my kids have all stopped being dependents.

howdyalikemenow · 14/08/2019 01:09

Sorry 17,14,10) not 19

HouseworkAvoider10 · 14/08/2019 01:13

Not until your kids have grown up and left home.
And even then he'd only be moving in once we're married.

user1481840227 · 14/08/2019 01:13

@SaintEyning, I don't think you can decide on the right age based on one experience. That experience could have been to do with personalities etc. rather than their age.

If anything I would think from a logical perspective that 7,8,9 like yours would be better than much older. I'm assuming by much older you mean older than 13 because of the previous experience you mentioned.

My assumption would be that older teenagers would find it harder to adjust to someone new coming into their home, they are more used to their life and home being exactly the way it is.

I suppose all any of us can do is decide individually.

greenskate · 14/08/2019 01:19

Five years. We got married before moving in together (we were moving into a house DH owned so I wasn't prepared to live there without the protection of marriage).

Adversecamber22 · 14/08/2019 02:57

If you have watertight legal protection on your house then maybe consider living together after a couple of years. As you own your home outright then do not get married.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 14/08/2019 04:00

Going on 11 years and we still live apart. When you have children I think it best till they are grown to move someone in. Kids dont have a voice, you have to be their voice. Works for me.

NobleRot · 14/08/2019 04:13

I think it’s frankly insane that you’re even thinking about this after six months, and that you’re already contemplating more children with him.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 14/08/2019 04:22

There would be something really wrong if your relationship didn't feel great after only 6 months of dating. With a child involved, I think it needs to still be all going well after a couple of years to even consider living together.

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/08/2019 04:55

I think it depends on whether you feel secure in your relationship. 6 months is too early but a year may not necessarily be so. Have throughout my life known people to move in together early and it last and move in after a few years and not last and vice versa. It really just depends!