Is this too much for DH to expect of me?

[Elsiesside]

When a hobby takes him out of the house from before the family wakes (4am) to after we've all gone to bed at night (midnight?)
I have no family close by so I find it relentless.
This happens maybe 3x a year plus a weekend or 2 away playing golf and other long days playing golf or other trips. I can't do the same as we have a young baby who needs me. Both DCs are young and needy.
I don't get a thankyou, a bunch of flowers, a date night-anything really. It just seems to be expected.
I find it very hard work and I feel taken for granted. DH does not get it, please do not advise I speak to him, there is no speaking to him.

If it was. Every week then I would have an issue but it's only a few times a year. So I wouldn't have an issue at all tbh

A few times a year sounds ok. But “there is no speaking to him” does not sound ok, regardless of the subject.

Every weekend, definitely too much. Couple of times a year, not so much. But I would be expecting the same for myself. Usually DH will encourage me to arrange something for myself the week before or after he has something planned for himself.

Since it's only a few times a year, then I'd be OK with it. But I would expect to be able to do the same myself. Do you ever get to bugger off for whole days/weekends?

Are you afraid of him op ?

Would he be willing to look after the children while you did something for yourself?

Not too much but it’s all relative to your day to day life. I would prefer her does this than nothing as long as I have the opportunity to have time out to myself.

What advice are you expecting?

Cant do the same as pointed out in my post.
I am beastfeeding and can not express.

If you've just decided that the kids 'need' you or you'd just rather not leave them then you're being a bit unreasonable and I don't think he should stop his hobbies and join you in being a martyr.

If you can't leave them because he's unwilling or unable to adequately look after his own children while you take some time for yourself then you're definitely not being unreasonable.

You can't do the same now but you can in the future

I'd start planning to be honest, then if he kicks up a fuss at the planning I'd tell him to do one

A few times a year seems fine to me. You should be able to talk about everything though. What happens when you try to?

I am beastfeeding and can not express.

In that case I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's understandable that you feel a bit tired and fed up with the situation but a few days a year isn't really that excessive as far as hobbies go. Do you feel like he generally does his share? Does he ever watch the kids to give you a break even if you can't leave the baby for too long?

I don't get a thankyou, a bunch of flowers, a date night-anything really. It just seems to be expected.

Actually he sounds controlling

I'd leave him to it tbh

Start your own hobbies, make a new life outside of him

He just says I'm unreasonable tbh.

He usually does one of his long days away on or around my birthday too, but he says I am unreasonable to be upset about it.

Not scared of him, but it's like trying to reason with a concrete block.

Once you've stopped breastfeeding, i think you definitely need to organise yourself some weekends away x

Arrange childcare and book the cinema/restaurant for you both yourself OP!

Does he work all day?

I’m a SAHM and wouldn’t expect my husband to buy me flowers for looking after DC all day, because he’s been working his arse off at work - it’s 50:50 - I don’t expect a medal.

Just take the initiative and see how it unfolds.

it’s not fair you don’t get your own relaxing time. Is it possible you can claim a few hours at all? Even to get hair done, or take bubs for some nice walks... can you just tell him “hey I have enrolled in X course / hobby class so am gonna be out at X time from now on. How can we make this work around the kids & your hobby ?
Then get the calendar out on fridge & encourage him to work together to create a solution. What I mean is own your time & be excited to start a new thing for you.

If he refuses to compromise & take care of the kids or work with you to ensure you get your own downtime, then it don’t look good...

My ex went the gym every morning and at 5am before work and came home at 10pm when i was on maternity leave

Fucking off on your birthday is not OK.

@VenusTiger
1)I am not a SAHM, I work too.
2) I do not expect flowers for being at home with DCs whilst he has been working. Just an acknowledgement of some sort for doing HIS 50% childcare at the weekends when he is infact doing hobbies (not working) when I too need a break.

@prawnsword he is offended at being asked to use a family calender and finds ways of using it to his advantage when he does. Cue a weekend away with his friends the weekend before christmas that I won't find out about until I happen to flick to December on 1st December.
But he wrote it on the calender!

@fuckingawful that's fucking awful

It's shit but you did choose to breastfeed so part of it is on you. When you decide to stop then you should make sure you have days away too, see how he likes it.

Breastfeeding shouldn’t mean Op gets no personal time at all though.

Sorry the calendar idea hasn’t worked... does he support you getting your own free time generally ? Does he think you should get some treats because he gets trips away ? How much time does he spend actively parenting the kids on the average weekend ? Is he involved or detached with family life generally ?

That is why hes an ex OP