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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this too much for DH to expect of me?

65 replies

Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 19:45

When a hobby takes him out of the house from before the family wakes (4am) to after we've all gone to bed at night (midnight?)
I have no family close by so I find it relentless.
This happens maybe 3x a year plus a weekend or 2 away playing golf and other long days playing golf or other trips. I can't do the same as we have a young baby who needs me. Both DCs are young and needy.
I don't get a thankyou, a bunch of flowers, a date night-anything really. It just seems to be expected.
I find it very hard work and I feel taken for granted. DH does not get it, please do not advise I speak to him, there is no speaking to him.

OP posts:

Scott72 · 12/08/2019 11:24

OP hasn't given us the exact details of how much time her husband spends away. Its hard to judge whether her resentment is reasonable or not. I get the impression they both have valid points. Perhaps a counsellor would help, if possible, so they could both come to a compromise.

LannieDuck · 12/08/2019 11:36

It sounds like you could take 6-hours out somewhere at the weekend. So what's stopping you putting it in the calendar for next Sat?

catofdoom · 12/08/2019 11:36

3 times a year? You are being unreasonable. And as for having exactly match the time 'off' you get, it's not a competition.

mummmmeee · 12/08/2019 11:37

I get you. Even if it's a few times a year+weekends here and there when you're BF and have young kids it can overwhelm you if you don't have support. You do need to talk to him, start your own hobby/see friends etc. Yes maybe not weekends away but if you can be apart from kids for 6 hrs that's pretty good.

It does sound like you've made sacrifices and changed your lifestyle to prioritise kids but he perhaps hasn't changed his.

Original poster

Elsiesside · 13/08/2019 11:27

I think the issue is that he has gone back on our original agreement. When we were first pregnant, I told DH that I didn't feel I would be a "natural mother" and that long stints at parenting alone would be difficult for me.

We agreed we were in this together and that if his hobby took him away for hours and hours at a time, he would give me enough notice that I could arrange for DM, a friend or other family member to keep me company/spend the day with them.

He gives me barely any notice and does as he pleases. After the first child, I accepted it and managed ok. Before falling pregnant with our second, we had the chat again and he whole-heartedly agreed that he wouldn't leave me for long periods with 1+ a baby. He has gone back in his word again.

When they are a little older, things will be easier and he can go off for long days/weekends no problem, it's just now, when things are tough as they are so little. And I have no family around me. With a bit of notice and planning though, I could have the help I've asked for/need and not struggle like I do.

I get that some mums have partners who work away etc and HAVE to manage. But I don't have to and communicated loud and clear to DH that I would find sole parenting for long periods very tough.

OP posts:

Readytogogogo · 13/08/2019 12:40

Just read your update. I'm sorry, he sounds extremely selfish. It sounds like he just doesn't care about whether you have help or company. Unless you think he is doing it deliberately to 'punish' you for some reason?

Parent999 · 13/08/2019 14:50

bigchris Sun 11-Aug-19 20:17:31
I don't get a thankyou, a bunch of flowers, a date night-anything really. It just seems to be expected.

Actually he sounds controlling

I'd leave him to it tbh

Start your own hobbies, make a new life outside of him

Honest to God, do you guys have a template for this crap? He doesnt buy flowers is controlling?
Was this sarcasm?

HollowTalk · 13/08/2019 14:57

He does sound really selfish. What's he like when he's actually at home?

Annasgirl · 13/08/2019 15:03

Oh OP, some people cannot read so ignore them. I get how hard this is for you. He is selfish and he has gone back on an agreement you made. TBH you should have stopped at 1 child when you realised he was not going to stick to your agreement. He got away with lying to you once so he was quite happy to lie to you when you agreed to DC2.

Now you have to decide what you want to do. If I were you I would leave him with the 2 DC at short notice this weekend. GO anywhere, coffee shop, garden centre - it does not matter where. Go for the full 6 hours. Don't tell him where you are going just tell him you are out for 6 hours.

Come back after 6 hours and discuss how he feels the next day. See if he now understands what it is like to be expected to be there for DC 100% with no support.

RhymesWithOrange · 13/08/2019 15:08

He sounds really really selfish and self absorbed. I would give him an ultimatum, counselling or split. It's not good that he doesn't respond when you bring up issues.

Willow2017 · 13/08/2019 15:18

It's not just one day 3 or 4 times a year if people care to actually read the ops 1st post!

He is taking off for week ends plus long golfing days as well and going back on their agreement.
He is sneaky and doesn't care if op gets time to herself or not as long as he does, whenever it suits him.

Selfish and manipulating isn't an attractive quality op. Arrange time for yourself and just go. Don't give him.warning time to concoct an excuse why he can't look after his own kids. He needs to realise what parenting actually is and how much.you do when he isn't around. Once baby is weaned plan a longer time away and go. He has had it his way long enough.

MrsTumbletap · 13/08/2019 15:46

You don't have to breastfeed, that's your choice, you can offer formula/cows milk/express and take some time for yourself, if you don't want to that's fine, but that is your choice. Breastfeeding glues you to a baby, you know that, don't breastfeed if you don't want to be glued.

It's three times a year he does his hobby, that isn't a lot, if my DH stopped me doing my hobby three times a year I wouldn't be happy.

You seem angry at him for having time for himself, it's not his fault you don't have time for yourself. You need to either let him be, or make time for yourself too.

It can't be "I'm miserable so you need to be miserable with me" that isn't fair.

What are you annoyed about? I think you need to break it down, we can help you on here but you need to be more specific about what actually upsets you.

Ginger1982 · 13/08/2019 15:57

If you can leave the baby for 6 hours to work, can you not leave him/her for 6 hours one Saturday to go for a spa day/shopping/lunch, whatever you'd like to do?

I don't think a few times a year and a few weekends is unreasonable but the lack of forward planning would irritate me!

Willow2017 · 13/08/2019 16:03

So op should stop feeding her baby what nature intended to suit her husband's inability to consider her at all?

Only on Mn!

prawnsword · 13/08/2019 16:17

Males who plead to have kids & push a woman who is uncertain into having them but then don’t interact/engage with said kids once they arrive or bother actively parent usually have flimsy reasons for having kids

ie passing on their legacy, kicking soccer balls in the park with a son, walking their daughter down the aisle or the gold star one “who will look after me when I’m old?”

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