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Original poster

Is this too much for DH to expect of me?

65 replies

Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 19:45

When a hobby takes him out of the house from before the family wakes (4am) to after we've all gone to bed at night (midnight?)
I have no family close by so I find it relentless.
This happens maybe 3x a year plus a weekend or 2 away playing golf and other long days playing golf or other trips. I can't do the same as we have a young baby who needs me. Both DCs are young and needy.
I don't get a thankyou, a bunch of flowers, a date night-anything really. It just seems to be expected.
I find it very hard work and I feel taken for granted. DH does not get it, please do not advise I speak to him, there is no speaking to him.

OP posts:
LifeIsAnArt · 11/08/2019 21:15

I know arranging hobbies/ days out while breastfeeding is difficult, but perhaps you could nip out just for 2-3 hrs at a time during the weekend? Even a short break can be so refreshing.

Readytogogogo · 11/08/2019 21:16

Does he allow you reciprocal time off? I appreciate that you're bf so could maybe only do 2-3 hour blocks. But if you point out that on a day he is away 4am to midnight (20 hours), you should get ten 2 hour blocks as compensation, would he find that reasonable. If not, why not?

Original poster
Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 21:26

He would definitely agree @ready but then would somehow have to "nip" here and "nip" there at weekends or have a few sudden work commitments in the evenings. It would take me over a year I'm sure to get my 10 2 hour slots in by the time he had finished seeing to all his own sudden commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 21:28

I would feel much better about it all if he, when booking his own time out, looked to make sur3 I was getting some too- it wouldn't even need to be equal to his or anything. Just that he is looking out for me also, ensuring my time off. I have single-handedly kept our babies alive afterall. It all feels a bit take, take, take.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/08/2019 21:28

He sounds like a selfish cock, OP. And if he deliberately finds loopholes to agreements between you. to get his way, then he's treating you like the enemy and someone to manipulate. I wouldn't want to live with that.

Original poster
Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 21:30

He once said to me "I know you can't go out and do much, but it doesn't mean I can't."

OP posts:
Original poster
Elsiesside · 11/08/2019 21:39

He most definitely "deliberately finds loopholes to agreements between you to get his own way."

He says my ultimate aim is to prevent him having any social life, but it's actually to support it whilst lessening the impact on myself. For example, I could have had help with the children today, should he have given me more notice that he was attending this marathob hobby day. But he gives me very short notice, which limits and help I can receive or any arrangements I can make when he's not around doing his share.

OP posts:
Daddylonglegs1965 · 11/08/2019 21:40

He sounds a selfish fit and hasn’t changed his life after children at all.
DH has a hobby two late nights a week (one was from mid afternoon on Sunday and coming back after midnight) but when we had two babies really close together. I told him the Sunday as well was too much as I never got any down time. So he gave it up.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 11/08/2019 21:45

He still did the midweek night but that was fine.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 11/08/2019 22:05

It’s not the odd day off is it, it’s a constant attitude that you don’t matter and lack of care for your wellbeing. I think he is being really selfish, NOT because he does a few hobby days but because he clearly isn’t trustworthy as a supportive partner and coparent in a whole host of areas.

Mermaidsinthesand · 12/08/2019 08:31

This doesn't add up

You say you breastfeed but cant Express yet you go to work so how that work out for baby? let me guess a well paid job from home

You clearly want to be made a fuss off with flowers just because you did a weekend of childcare. What do you think it's like as a single parents?

Original poster
Elsiesside · 12/08/2019 08:58

@mermaid

  1. I am not a single parent why should I be made to feel like one?
  2. It's amazing the assumptions that some "well meaning" MNers like yourself manage to conjure up. I work school hours. I leave my baby for 6 hours 4 days a week. Going away for a whole day and night away is incomparable to working for 6 hours and her going without breastmilk for that time. No she can't have cows milk when I'm not around either... before I have to over explain every aspect and variable of my life which takes me completely away from the original point of the thread.
OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 12/08/2019 09:05

So plan in something that gives you six hours break one weekend and leave him to it?

NeatFreakMama · 12/08/2019 09:12

I wouldn't be too worried, it's not every weekend. The main issue sounds like the communication between the two of you. An internet forum can agree with you or disagree but ultimately if you can't talk to your DH then what does it matter, your life will stay unaffected?

If you work 6-7 hours a day then do that time at a weekend to have some fun yourself and leave him to it. I think we women tend to martyr ourselves a bit but your DH is practising good self care taking time for himself.

newmomof1 · 12/08/2019 09:13

What does your baby have in those 6 hours?

I think YABU. 3 times a year he goes out for 1 day and that's him taking the piss? Pull the other one. He's allowed a social life. It's not all about you.

Whatisthisfuckery · 12/08/2019 09:28

I’m a bit confused. Does he do this a few times each year on the odd weekend or is it more regular than that? How often are we talking here?

Dropping it on you at last minute is hugely unreasonable though. Instead of a paper calendar could you use an online calendar, on your phones or on the computer? Then a notification will flash up so you find out before you flip the page.

What is he like apart from the going out? Does he pull his weight with the babies? And I mean really pull his weight, not just the usual ‘oh he’s a wonderful dad because he occasionally plays with the DC.’

Does he take an interest in you generally? Does he ask about your day and allow you to vent?

Like PP said though, it’s down to you what you do. We can all tell you our opinion based on the snapshot you give but it’s you who decides what to do going forward.

I don’t blame you though, looking after babies is lonely and boring and can drive you batty. Unfortunately you can’t control what anyone else chooses to do or not to do, and some fathers just ain’t that bothered about their partner or DC. Have you got anyone irl to talk to? Strangers on the internet can be useful for solidifying what you already thought, but we can’t be of any practical or real emotional support.

Scott72 · 12/08/2019 09:37

So if you had more warning you'd be perfectly fine with him spending a day way from you a few times a year?

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 09:41

My DH goes away to overnight hobby events several times a year. One event is usually during our anniversary. But these are massive annual things with hundreds of attendees. We just celebrate on a different weekend.

Your DHs time towards his hobby do not seem unreasonable. It’s good self care.

I think the problem is that you have zero time for yourself for a hobby. You can do something at least once a week in the evening. It could be belly dancing or bridge or swim club...anything that takes your fancy.

I know you cannot express breastmilk, but have you looked into milk banks? The NHS runs milk banks where you can get screened and santized breast milk so your DH could do some feeds while you are out. If it works well, then you could take a full Saturday off for your hobby too.

Mermaidsinthesand · 12/08/2019 09:44

@Elsiesside

Seems your hankering for an argument online and with your DH, if you can leave your baby 6 hours without breastmilk when you go to work why cant you spend 6 hours on a weekend doing something you want?

You have to take some responsibility

Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 10:50

It would depend how frequently he was away or spending long hours away. That's vital bonding time with his children too.
His responses are selfish.

I would make a point of getting out some evenings, even if it's 4 hours. Give him a share of the responsibilities, otherwise he'll not see it from your side.

Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 10:51

Forgot to add, he shouldn't be planning to go away on your birthday. That's really unfair.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 10:59

I also would be ok with a few times a year. It sounds like you resent him and your tie to th kids. As if, if you're tied so should he be.

If you wish time also, then consider formula feeding. And the single handedly keeping your kids alive is beyond dramatic.

Butterymuffin · 12/08/2019 11:05

would somehow have to "nip" here and "nip" there at weekend

No, this isn't how it works. Once you've said you're taking a morning off or whatever, he doesn't get to insert trips 'nipping' here and there in. You're going out so he stays with the kids. Also, the last minute trips are not on - he should give you more notice. Tell him you want some clearer and fairer rules around this stuff or you will not be co-operating in doing the things he expects you to pick up while he carries on his merry social life - I bet you do the lion's of washing, cooking etc.

Banangana · 12/08/2019 11:16

Your thread title is 'is this too much for DH to expect of me and he's saying things like "I know you can't go out and do much, but it doesn't mean I can't." so it doesn't sound like the issue is just that you'd like more notice. If you've asked him to stop his hobbies because you can't exactly that much time away yourself then you're being unreasonable and I can see why he'd take it badly.

Have you had a conversation where you're simply asking for more notice? And letting him know that 'nipping out' when you have plans is not on? I'd take time away for myself for 6 hours on the occasional weekend in your shoes and if he tried to sabotage my plans I'd give him a taste of his own medicine by 'nipping out' the next time he had plans.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 11:19

Men are often like this after children. We see it on MN all the time. They don’t see why their lives should change while the women sacrifice everything.

This is one of the reasons why I’m never, ever having children. It’s a reason why lots of women should consider being childfree. Many men don’t step up and it’s even true for the ones who push for a baby!