Do people actually do this? What do you think?

[smallstrawlargecamel]

I've been worrying and unsure about this for about a week. DH of 20 years, high up position (partner) in a large company, came home one night from his office summer party.
He told me he might smell of perfume as a woman who he works with and who I have heard him talk about previously, had sprayed him and another guy with perfume 'as a joke'.
This woman is not some young girl but about 40.
I was pretty angry (he was unfaithful at the beginning of our relationship and a number of things have happened since which I'm not sure is my paranoia or not). This could be one of those.
Do women actually do stuff like that for a joke? To a partner of a firm, effectively her boss?
He then proceeded to tell me she was an idiot who is no good at her job etc.

Ridiculous thing was I couldn't even smell any perfume!
Am I right to be upset and unsure? How would others feel?

Thanks @MMmomDD. It’s not just one incident. There have been more over the years. Again, things not adding up in my mind etc. Nothing concrete though.
So, I guess, yes, I do want something concrete so I can leave ‘for a reason’ if it comes to that.

I do have a very full life, so I’m not just focusing on the negatives, but I do appreciate what you are saying

"I do want something concrete so I can leave ‘for a reason’ if it comes to that"

This has been me in the past.

A gentle reminder that not feeling fulfilled/secure/happy in a relationship is a reason, and is a completely sufficient reason. You don't need anyone's permission to leave.

@smallstrawlargecamel it sounds like you do have a reason to leave. Or that you are after something concrete to justify your decision. If you're not happy you don't have to stay, that's a good enough reason. I'm not saying LTB, that's entirely up to you, but if you do want to leave you don't need any other reason. Put yourself first.

Ah bless you.
Im un-sure what to advice to be honest. You could always confront her ?. Or tell your husband that is your intention,even if you dont carry it through.
If its all innocent on his part,he may say ..yes do that if it makes you feel better.. Also, if shes crapat her job,why is she still working there?.

OP. Life is too short.
You don’t mention kids - so I assume if there are any they aren’t small anymore.
I also presume you are ok financially given his job.
And you are in your 40s or 50s.
You are unhappy and your relationship has run it’s course.
Don’t waste your life sniffing shirts.
If you don’t want to spend the next decades of your life getting old with him - figure out what it is that you do want.
In parallel - i’s also make sure it’s not depression and/or general dread people in our age group feel.

It certainly sounds like he doth protest too much!

Time to turn detective then OP. Is there someone at his work that you can ask in confidence? Check his car for evidence? Start properly looking.

Are you scared of being alone OP? Or could you embrace it?

It sounds as though you need to decide whether to live 'together, alone', alongside each other but on parallel tracks, or whether to separate.

What sounds very difficult or untenable, is keeping up a pretence of togetherness, when you're not really feeling it - and have to decieve yourself into believing 'everything is ok' to make it possible. That effort of self-deception will wear you out in the end.

If you stopped 'playing wife' wholeheartedly, would he accept that, or would he leave? Would he take it as carte blanche for affairs?

For both of you, how important are appearances?

I can see this happening. Especially a young employee who hasn’t worked out that you don’t have to drink all the free alcohol on offer.

But you know your dh.

Some of you must really mistrust your husbands. Take it at face value, OP. Don't listen to the cynics who are probably projecting.

If he didn’t have form for cheating and you weren’t otherwise suspicious I’d say he was telling the truth. Drunk people do weird things. With the background though, he’s probably bullshitting you.

Some of you must really mistrust your husbands

Nah but I have worked in a professional services firm and i) drunken spraying of perfume isn't a thing and ii) partners shagging younger members of staff definitely definitely is

I see the MN ducking stool has been wheeled out

I suspect my DP of cheating and I he was: LTB

I suspect my DP of cheating and he wasn’t: the trust is gone, so LTB

A bit ridiculous, really

He says he was sprayed with perfume but his shirt doesnt smell of perfume, so logical conclusion is he wasnt sprayed with perfume
So why say it? Again logical conclusion is he thought he might have smelled of perfume after being intimate with someone so concocted this story just in case you noticed
When you hear hoofbeats think horses not zebras, the logical conclusion is usually the right one