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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do people actually do this? What do you think?

88 replies

smallstrawlargecamel · 11/08/2019 18:27

I've been worrying and unsure about this for about a week. DH of 20 years, high up position (partner) in a large company, came home one night from his office summer party.
He told me he might smell of perfume as a woman who he works with and who I have heard him talk about previously, had sprayed him and another guy with perfume 'as a joke'.
This woman is not some young girl but about 40.
I was pretty angry (he was unfaithful at the beginning of our relationship and a number of things have happened since which I'm not sure is my paranoia or not). This could be one of those.
Do women actually do stuff like that for a joke? To a partner of a firm, effectively her boss?
He then proceeded to tell me she was an idiot who is no good at her job etc.

Ridiculous thing was I couldn't even smell any perfume!
Am I right to be upset and unsure? How would others feel?

OP posts:
Nothavingfunrightnow · 12/08/2019 06:47

OP, you've been sprayed with Eau de Bollocks, I'm afraid.

ScreamingValenta · 12/08/2019 07:02

Spraying someone with perfume as a joke sounds like the sort of thing someone might do when drunk, thinking at the time it's hilarious. I'd be looking more closely at how he is with you generally, rather than making a judgement based on this incident.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/08/2019 07:37

Whether someone might do this is irrelevant.

If he'd been sprayed, he would have smelt of perfume, mostly in one place.

He didn't. It was a cover story.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 12/08/2019 07:41

I'm a suspicious bunny boiler by nature - I would think that he is trying to cover his bases and have an excuse ready in case you noticed anything......

Alloftit · 12/08/2019 07:46

I don’t know OP. Sounds like you don’t trust him at all regardless (with good reason seeing as he’s been previously unfaithful) but this actually happened at my last Christmas do. Everyone was legless and one of the directors sprayed a colleague with a lot of perfume, cause funny (if you’re drunk 😂) so it’s not out of the realms of possibility.

Original poster
smallstrawlargecamel · 12/08/2019 07:46

Thanks for all replies.
@Nothavingfunrightnow eau de bollocks! Love it
@FraggleRocking
It was def the former. He was all happy but didn’t say much else about the party

@lottiegarbanzo that is what I thought. But bizarrely he didn’t even smell of perfume.

To people who asked about the other person sprayed, I very rarely get to see his work colleagues - work and home are v much separated in DH life I feel

I think I have been told by friends/family in the past ‘oh he would never do that, don’t be silly, he loves you blah blah , that I cannot trust my own judgement. It also means I keep things to myself as I know I will get the whitewash replies from well meaning people. Praise be for Mumsnet

OP posts:
rodentforce · 12/08/2019 07:51

"Eau de Bollocks" 🤣🤣🤣

She did not spray him with perfume.

His bitching about her work was him being super manipulative by trying to preempt your accusations ("Of course there's nothing between me and her, didn't you just hear me slagging her off???"), and it shows what a spineless, disrespectful arsehole he is.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/08/2019 07:54

But I do agree with MMmomDD really. The important thing is how you feel about him and the relationship.

SteadyAreYouReady · 12/08/2019 07:54

Oh my god don’t be gullible , this excuse is as old as the hills!!!

Original poster
smallstrawlargecamel · 12/08/2019 07:58

@lottiegarbanzo we have had problems a few years ago.

I actually went to see lawyers about a divorce. He put far too much energy into work , was ( is) v selfish and self centred. We went to counselling, but that was a pile of poo.

Eventually, things seemed to change for the better and we are happier now. Except me, when things like this happen. It makes me feel ill!

OP posts:
Happyspud · 12/08/2019 08:01

Total bullshit. Tell him you can’t snell perfume but you can smell his bullshit a mile away.

rodentforce · 12/08/2019 08:03

@smallstraw It sounds like your gut knows the score here, and you are being blown off course by well-meaning friends and family (who may be trying to reassure you at any cost rather than giving an honest view). Listen to your gut!

I have made many bad judgments about men, and looking back my gut had always told me something was wrong but I ignored it, or (like you) thought "Well my friends and family like him so I must be paranoid". Of course after the relationship ended those same friends and family told me that they'd long suspected things weren't right and had even talked to each other about it. Mine is a weirdly dramatic example (I'm sparing you the details) but the important lesson I learned was to trust my gut. If he makes you feel anxious and insecure, something is very wrong.

Original poster
smallstrawlargecamel · 12/08/2019 08:09

@rodentforce but that is my problem - is it me making myself anxious and insecure, not him? This is how messed up my head is? How do you actually start BELIEVING your gut? It’s so hard when on the surface my concerns seem ridiculous to others. (Apart from lovely mumsnetters).

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 12/08/2019 08:16

Definitely believe your gut. Acknowledge yourself as a separate person with your own experiences, beliefs and autonomy in life. Look after yourself.

But, what you choose to do about this, how it colours your experience of your marriage, is up to you. It is 'just' one incident in a much wider context. But it is one incident in a much wider context.

The thing not to do is make what he chooses to tell you important. It's not up to him what you think about this, it's up to you.

rodentforce · 12/08/2019 08:21

@smallstraw I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It's awful 💖 But you have said that this behaviour makes you feel ill. That's what you need to know. You're not making yourself feel like that - you said yourself that you were fine until this happened. Let's say that this perfume incident is completely innocent - the point is that he makes you feel bad. Sounds like that's his fault (since he has betrayed you in the past), but even ignoring that too, feeling bad is not a good thing in a relationship. As a wise friend said to me about 18 months ago, when I was in a similar situation: love isn't supposed to hurt.

rodentforce · 12/08/2019 08:24

One more thing: see how he reacts when/if you ask him about this. If he makes out like this is all your problem and that things would be fine if you would just trust him, he's not on your side. If he's remotely a good partner, he will acknowledge his role in making you feel insecure and want to work through it with you.

M0RVEN · 12/08/2019 08:24

I wonder why his work and home life are so separated ?

KUGA · 12/08/2019 08:34

A tough one this.
I was dancing with my Husband and a total stranger came up to him and pulled on his belt.
We both looked shocked,she just walked off as if nothing happened.
I walked up to her without telling my husband and told her if she ever does anything like that again she will be sorry.
Her friend said she does it all the time,she`s stupid when drinking
She said nothing.
So yes there are women out there who love to upset the apple cart.
Sad really.

Wilmalovescake · 12/08/2019 08:42

If he HAD been sprayed with perfume, he’d have come home smelling of it.

So I don’t think he was sprayed.

NewMe2019 · 12/08/2019 08:47

Total bullshit. Nice story concocted on his way home to cover. What grown up does this!

Original poster
smallstrawlargecamel · 12/08/2019 08:48

@KUGA I guess that is his version - a stupid woman. I just wish someone would tell me what the truth is ! I will have to be vigilante and as @rodentforce says, really trust my gut. But I don’t want to live like this

OP posts:
Original poster
smallstrawlargecamel · 12/08/2019 08:50

@NewMe2019 that’s what I think - what grown up sprays perfume if not to cause potential trouble at home? But clearly some people do do that. It’s a flipping nightmare

OP posts:
Letthemysterybe · 12/08/2019 09:00

It would never occur to me to not believe my husband if he told that story. Sounds perfectly believable judging by some
Of the places that I have worked. And I trust him and we have a happy marriage so I have no reason to think he would
Be lying.

MMmomDD · 12/08/2019 09:10

OP - are you putting all of your insecurities and unhappiness into this one incident?
What do you actually want?
Do you want it to be all true and worst case - so you can decide to leave?
Or do you want some sort of reassurance that he isn’t leaving? Is that security you are looking to reconfirm?

You seem tired and drained by this relationship. And it’s understandable - it is a long marriage.
And by now you both are settled in certain ways. He will not change how he is.
Do you have anything in your own life to make you interested and stimulated and happy?

rodentforce · 12/08/2019 09:14

@smallcamel You don't have to live like this. You can leave him and find a relationship with someone you trust, if you decide that's what you want to do.

@letthemysterybe "It would never occur to me to not believe my husband if he told that story." That's what trust looks like. But not every relationship has trust.