Seeking a female viewpoint...

[thebrainygoldfish]

Good afternoon,

I'm interested in your views on my situation as I am having some trouble wrapping my head around what going on.
I'm going to paraphrase quite abit but the total time line is about a year and a half, but the accusation happened back in March.

-¦-

So my long time girlfriend and I split up.

In the following months I became really close to her best friend. The feelings were mutual and we connected like nothing I have ever experienced, she is really special.
Tried to keep it quiet but my ex found out.
Ex meets new man (nice guy!), now engaged.
Her mate and I continue to get close - its a slow dance and I respect her wanting to take it at a crawl.
Next thing I know I was accused of raping my ex whilst we where in our reationship. It is completely untrue, an out and out lie - This woman was my world for 9 years!
Of course she told her best mate, who instantly killed any chance of our friendship going anywhere - despite applied logic pulling her accusation apart.
I lost my entire friendship circle (of which she is still part)
It has destroyed me emotionally and caused me to contemplate suicide and try once.

Although they have never said directly to me I am told my 'friends' have since questioned the accusation as even the police aren't interested. (aparently she went to see them)

Fast forward to now and whilst I occasioanlly see my friends, I still am unable to socialise with them, stuff happens where I once would have been invited but now not.
The woman I had feelings for I see reguarly and we talk I'd say we are 'ok', and my feelings for her are still there.
I am told (not by her i might add) that we will never be anything more than we are because of the rape accusation - despite pretty much everyone else knowing me knows its a lie, know I am not programmed like that.
'Old fashioned in a 35 year olds body' I was once told - I see it I was dragged up properly (holding doors open, being polite, no drugs, no cheating, flowers on a first date kinda guy)

So my question is why? why would she believe it when others don't? This woman is supposed to know me better than anyone, she's seen me fat, thin, happy, sad, angry, drunk & sober and yet.....
What should I do to try and fix our friendship if nothing else? Is there anything I could try?
Also what would any singletions think if a guy told you, pretty early on that hes been accused of rape? (Im suspecting run a mile)

I am waiting on a appointment to see a counsellor to try and rebuild me emotionally as I am really struggling, having been a quick twitted pretty intelligent, pretty funny guy with all the confidence in the world and the ability to talk to women, I am now a overthinking husk, bearly hanging onto which way is up.

Thanks

What a wicked thing for her to do to you!! Was the break up amicable ? Could she just be trying to ruin things for you?

Honestly, I would run a mile unless there was absolute concrete evidence that the accusation was false and every little bit of information and intuition all added up (and yes I know this is almost impossible to achieve).

For example, your focus seems entirely on getting the girl you are interested in to believe you _ there is very little focus on the accusation itself in your post. This makes it impossible to form any belief about whether the accusation was absolutely true, some kind of messy, horrible, middle-ish misunderstanding in which she felt coerced/manipulated while you thought it was consensual, or a total fabrication.... it seems strange that so little of what you say is actually about that... for example, a big question for me is why on earth would she lie, If she has moved on and is happy and you were a nice, decent chap to her all those eight years? Unless she has severe and long term mental health issues that makes no sense to me. Women don't just do that.

Anyway, unless you can convince me (which I would say is impossible via a message board) then I certainly don't want to help you convince her..... I am sorry - if you are innocent, then I realize this situation is all completely undeserved.... but if your question is why can't she believe you fully then maybe my answer is helpful in some way.... it is not something any woman who has healthy, emotional boundaries and self worth would take any risk on. And I don't see evidence in your post of the self-reflection about mental, emotional or physical issues for both of you that could possible have led to this accusation that would reassure me it had truly been worked through.... so that would also make me feel unsafe with you.

If everyone knows it's a lie, why did your whole friendship circle turn on you and not support you?

This would indicate they know no such thing.

Depends on what "rape" means in your OP.

Do you disagree with her account (i.e. entire account fabricated, none of it happened) or do you just disagree that something which did happen was rape?

The police often cannot proceed with allegations because events occurred within a relstionship and therefore - whilst illegal - have no chance of conviction.

'Old fashioned in a 35 year olds body' I was once told - I see it I was dragged up properly (holding doors open, being polite, no drugs, no cheating, flowers on a first date kinda guy

This makes me and wonder it was in some way part of your defence.

It probably wasn't a very good idea to get too cosy with your ex partner's best friend after breaking up with her in the first place.

She doesn't want to pursue the relationship with you for whatever reason. But it does speak volumes when your entire social circle has taken her side over yours. I would start to look elsewhere.

I wouldn't entertain a relationship with a man who was accused of rape by a partner unless possibly I had absolute concrete evidence that the partner was a pathological liar - and even then I'd probably err on the side of caution and avoid it anyway.
Being old fashioned doesn't make a man less likely to be a rapist by the way.

Hi....my advice is to hold your head up high and tackle the lie head on......it's obvious for your ex to make such a destroying lie like that she must be very bitter and scorned that you got so close to her friend (which I think is a very dangerous move on your part to begin with) but if you really see a serious relationship and future with her then you need to lay your cards on the table and if she knows you as well as you say she does then she would surely see through the lie and believe you....but is your relationship with her stronger than her friendship with your ex?
these accusations can be very damaging, some woman know better than to listen and trust in gossip (especially spread by an ex) but others would be totally put off! It's not a burden you have to carry and explain to every single woman and potential partner you meet,there will always be rumours but you have to rise above them! Build your confidence back up and find yourself a nice young lady (who is preferably not connected in any way to your ex) and be happy

Old fashioned in a 35 year olds body' I was once told - I see it I was dragged up properly (holding doors open, being polite, no drugs, no cheating, flowers on a first date kinda guy)

#niceguy

Just date someone else. It's quite weird to try and date your ex's best friend anyway.

Most people feel/think intuitively that it is unlikely for a woman to lie about rape, as sometimes it may not feel like it is/was to the man. Some high profile cases on this subject, or look up the tea video which is good.

Occasionally a woman may completely make it up (not sure of statistics but think it’s low) BUT it’s better for most people to be wary. Especially if your Ex doesn’t have any form for lying, they may like you and be sceptical of it but why would she lie? It maybe an occasion you had ‘sex’ when she was drunk, or you ‘suggested’ sex when she wasn’t keen... whatever it was or wasn’t. You can’t prove you didn’t do any of that, similarly she would struggle to prove enough to the police.

You really shouldn’t have got with her best friend, she’s probably feeling guilty anyway then she hears the allegation. The relationship is a lost cause, just work on creating a different friendship circle.

Dude I would not contact any of these people again ! Just hang out with your friends. Possibly may wish to seek legal advice here. Are any of these things in writing ?

So my question is why? why would she believe it when others don't? This woman is supposed to know me better than anyone, she's seen me fat, thin, happy, sad, angry, drunk & sober and yet.....
What should I do to try and fix our friendship if nothing else? Is there anything I could try?

She believes because she chooses to believe.

You can't fix something which someone else does not want to be fixed

Back off and stop being tacitly controlling and passive aggressive

Your need to make others do things your way , is palpable

To be honest, that's her call. She's made it clear because of the accusation she doesn't want to take it further.

As your friendship was heading towards more you'll probably need to take a step back. It's dodgy territory forming a relationship with your ex best friend anyway.

I am sorry for those women who believe that women never lie about this, Im afraid I know someone who definitely did so out of spite and it was proven so. It does happen. (And I’m female) I feel sorry if this was not the case OP, but best not to ‘shit in your own nest’ And move on.

Your exes best friend will not want to believe it's true but also won't want to believe her friend is lying about such a thing.

Best thing to do is to stay away

Ok thanks for the replys.

Firstly I'll apogise for not going into more details on the accusation, its still raw for me even now and I was trying to keep my post short and aim it at the couple of questions.

So I'll give some more background;

As a group of people we have known each other 7+ years and me and our friend only really started getting really close roughly 8 months after we split, (and after my ex had been dating her BF a few months) but we never went on a date as such.

On legal advice I never spoke to anyone other than family and my bosses on my defence, that I will admit probably didn't help my situation.
So according to my ex it happened 3 months before we split, she didn't want it and I forced myself on her, that then in turn made me and her late for work.
Now this happened in her parents house, whilst they were in the room next door in a house with paper thin walls.
(if you want me to be completely open, the only time could have sex is when they had gone out)
She did kick boxing as a fitness regime and knows how to look after herself. (confirmed having been on the end of her right hook once during a sparing session)
My work has me clocking in for the last 6 months of our relationship either on time or early, not once am I late.
She told this tale a couple of weeks after she found out that me and our mate where getting pretty close, she never mentioned it at the time, never durning our break-up (which got pretty messy at points) and never for the 8 months after.
According to her she went to the police on the day she told people.
I question as to if she has told her BF I have met him various times since and he as always been very warm, very friendly and keen for us to get along, even when he's had a few drinks.

There is no confusion on my part, there is no misunderstanding, it is a utter disgusting lie, one that has destroyed my entire life.

You asked for a female perspective and i would think 'no smoke without fire'. From what you've written, if would imagine her accusation arose from what you might describe as a misunderstanding. Perhaps you hadn't fully realised she wasn't a willing participant and perhaps over time, the episode grew in her mind. Who knows?
There are, I'm sure, some women who make up accusations. However, i would err on the side of caution and steer well clear of you - sorry, you may well be a lovely man and a true gent, but i wouldn't put myself in the position of taking that risk.
And by the way, just because she does kick boxing doesn't mean she would defend herself in a position like you describe. Often, women freeze rather than fight.
The very fact that you can't understand how this new girl can believe your ex gf shows how little you understand how vulnerable a woman can feel.

Also to add I am/have stayed completely away, I want nothing more to do with any of them.

I was more interested in why would some women think like that whilst others don't and that whole area around meeting someone new and telling them of the accusation, as its not the sort of thing you can hide and nor should you.

In all honesty I would avoid this too. I appreciate it's completely unfair for you and I do have a great deal of sympathy for you but my first priority would always be to protect myself.

OP, women get good at reading between the lines. It's literally how we survive.

Have you really never had to convince your ex to have sex? Was she really never unsure, not completely willing?

Most of the time, people side with men when there is a domestic abuse accusation. The fact that so many sided with her gives me pause.

Do you ever struggle to read people, misjudge social situations?

The only person who can destroy your life is you. You made a mistake in 'getting close' to her best friend (there are 3bn+ women out there, FFS) but she has chosen to break things off with you. That's it. There's no getting anything back. She doesn't want it so you need to move on. Find other people to fill your life and leave these behind.

I dated one of these 'old fashioned' guys. He really prided himself on his chivalry and what a 'great catch' he was. In truth he was controlling and I'm not surprised he's still single two decades on (when he tried to contact me).

You need to find a way to move on.

Dude it is not just some women believe lies & others don’t. This goes for all people. Anybody who has been abused has probably faced at least one person who believed them. Because people who lie are often convincing at it.

I would personally choose not to date someone that a friend told me had sexually assaulted her or been abusive.

I’m getting some real Nice Guy vibes from you that you are not respecting this lady’s right to believe whatever she likes & choose not to date you for her own personal reasons. Even if the allegations were known to be false it is a messy situation to get one from the get go.

Is there some reason why you are struggling to let this one go & look to date a different person outside of this social group ?

*Back off and stop being tacitly controlling and passive aggressive

Your need to make others do things your way , is palpable*

This, in more ways then one

I'm not sure why some pp are determined to believe that op must have done something to warrant the accusation. He's voluntarily posting on an anonymous forum, and mn's mantra is usually to trust the OP's version of events. If he says it's a complete lie, then that's what it is.

Disgusting to victim blame imo, and wrong that he should now have to walk away from an entire life because people in rl - as here - think there's no smoke without fire. There is a story about false accusation in the press right now!

Op, it seems that your friends cannot bring themselves to believe that she's lying, so they are no longer friends of yours. The woman you're interested in is no longer interested, as is her perogative. As unfair as it is, I would cut ties and move on.

Any woman who hears something like that and doesn't run a mile has serious issues though so clearly the reason she has told you 'that's that' is because she has common sense. I agree with the poster that said that you probably don't get, how vulnerable women are and how at risk. And how everything has to be calculated in order to best keep ourselves out of harms way.

The fact that she seems cool remaining pals with you is a testament to the friendship tbh. She probably does trust you, but isn't willing to take any risks anyway. Sensible woman.

Some women, who haven't heard from their friend might give you the benefit of the doubt. Especially if they get to know you first and you are decent. But those who have strong boundaries...will, rightly, have their guard up, hearing about it.

Not saying you shouldn't be honest but maybe hold off on mentioning it for a while to let them get to know you. And be aware that they might still not want to take the risk.