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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I like the nice ones?

66 replies

crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 16:37

Been seeing a guy for about 10 weeks now. He is probably one of the nicest guys I've met. He's not my usual type but has a lovely face, looks cool, dresses nice and he treats me SO well. He has been very intense though so that has been a bit off-putting. The sex is also VERY good.
So why am I not feeling it?? I want to!
I tried to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I didn't feel as strongly as him and that it wasn't fair. He convinced me to try a bit longer as he realised he's been a but too full-on and he didn't expect me to feel the same.
Its still just not happening. I saw him Friday night and I can't say I was even particularly excited about it and I never particularly miss him either.
I should break it off shouldn't I as its just not going to happen is it? Its going to be like kicking a puppy.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/08/2019 16:39

You're not feeling it because he is being far too intense and your weird shit radar has been triggered.

BlackberryBeret · 11/08/2019 16:40

Commitmentphobic.

A nice man who is available is your kryptonite.

ravenmum · 11/08/2019 16:42

A love bomber is not really what I'd call a nice man.

What are the "not nice" men you have previously been attracted to?

Pinkbonbon · 11/08/2019 16:44

I'd never equate 'intense' with nice. Usually its linked with love bombing. The not accepting no for an answer and trying to talk u into another chance thing smacks of it too. Maybe your gut knows this as that's why you aren't keen.

Ten weeks is long enough to know if you like him or not. You are allowed to not. Walk away, be firm this time. I have a feeling you might need to be very firm.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 16:55

@BlackberryBeret I'm not sure that's the case. I came out of a long 17 year relationship over 2 years ago so I'm not a commitmentphobe!

My long term relationship was built on attraction at the beginning. I was absolutely besotted with him right from the start but he was not good for me and did not treat me well.

I know what you all mean by love-bombing and I've had this before. Basically he told me his mum wasn't very nice to him (some abuse) and his ex was cheating on him. I have a feeling he is desperate for someone to love.

I'm dreading telling him!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/08/2019 17:08

Maybe he is not really ready for a relationship. I've also stopped dating a man simply as he seemed really miserable about his exw. If I stayed with him longer, I'd have felt under pressure to stay with him, knowing that he already felt bad about being dumped by one woman. That put me off from the start.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 17:11

@ravenmum I have no clue what's going on with him. Its like he's desperate for someone to love. He tries way to hard with constant compliments and telling me I;m amazing and its all very smothering.
His last relationship sounded really weird. Together 10 years but didn't live together then he found out she had been living with an ex in the end! Very odd. I think he may be very emotionally immature.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/08/2019 17:25

Desperation is not really sexy. A nice kind "Sorry, I'm just not feeling the spark" might leave his dignity intact. Or specifically say that you are afraid that if you stay on longer you'll just be getting his hopes up?

TanMateix · 11/08/2019 17:30

Ok, it is not you, it is not him. You are not attracted to him but to be honest, you are not required to.

I think you may have lost interest because he cares too much. Nevertheless, the interest is gone and the more you push yourself to feel it, the more fed up you will get. Let him go.

Pinkbonbon · 11/08/2019 17:39

Yeah 'smothering' and 'needy' isn't 'nice' either. It isn't up to you to fix his issues by being an emotional plaster. The odd ex situation (which probably sounds odd because its his version of the truth) and evil mother info would be setting off my alarm bells too.

Good luck with pulling off the plaster!

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 17:42

@ravenmum I tried that last time. I'm just going to have to tell him straight that I've tried (like he asked) and nothing is changing so I don't want to drag it out. I'll be as nice as I can be but if he tries ringing me then I will just have to ignore his calls.
The last time I tried to end it he sent me this great big long message the next morning saying he had been up all night thinking and that he realised he had been too intense and that he didn't expect me to feel the same. He said he would tone things down and was prepared to wait and see if my feelings changed.
I thought it was fair to see how it went because I wasn't 100% but I've done that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 17:45

@TanMateix that is exactly what is happening. It was getting to the point that I was feeling anxious when meeting him, rather than excited because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel.
I hate feeling guilty that I;m going to hurt his feelings but I've had enough guilt in my life to last a lifetime!

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 17:47

@Pinkbonbon no you're right and I do think he's looking for me to fix him. No way do I want that as I dated someone last year who turned out to be an alcoholic so he was another one that had alterior motives.
I don't seem to learn!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/08/2019 18:04

He has been very intense though so that has been a bit off-putting.

Yuck. Creepy isn't sexy and it doesn't make for great long term prospects either. Who wants to be the collectable sat catching dust on an obsessive bloke's romantic shelf?

The sex is also VERY good.

These ones tend to be like that ... at the beginning. Later all you have is - as ravenmum so aptly put it - "weird shit", by the fucking bucket full. That gets super tiresome when you have a mortgage and kids to look after.

Everafter1 · 11/08/2019 18:22

He's been too full on, there's no mystery.

There's just something that's not clicking, that something isn't the type of thing that can be forced. It's the unexplained part of how someone makes us feel that keeps us wanting more.

If you're not feeling it now, you probably won't. 10 weeks is long enough.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 18:22

@PicsInRed I have to admit, I genuinely didn't think he was 'creepy' but just that he has issues. I don't think he is a bad person. Although maybe I am either niaive or too nice!

Whatever is going on with him, I just don't feel like it has a future so will message him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 18:33

@Everafter1 yeah I do think its as simple as that really. I don't suppose the reasons matter do they. Its not there and unlikely to ever be so best to cut my losses now.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 11/08/2019 19:08

@crappyday2018 yeah I'd say so. Someone could tick all the 'on paper' boxes but if there's that something missing the rest doesn't count for much.
I've been guilty in the past for ignoring that & keep plodding along both out of fear & not wanting to hurt someone until I've sacrificed my own happiness & in a position where it's hard to break it off.

You need to feel excited, butterflies are high on the importance list 😁 especially at the start.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 19:12

@Everafter1 yes I kind of knew that and ignored it too. I had the whole butterflies thing with my ex and that didn't turn out well, so I was hoping this was more of a grower.
I'm early 40s now so no idea if I'm expecting too much to have those types of feelings again now when meeting someone. I was very different in my 20s when I met him.

OP posts:
NobleRot · 11/08/2019 19:13

But he doesn't sound 'nice' -- he sounds needy and smothering and incapable of listening to you saying this level of intensity isn't working for you. No wonder you're not into him. Nothing to berate yourself about there.

The only thing that concerns me about your posts is that you seem to be labelling this smothering, needy behaviour as 'nice' and think you're being unreasonable not to respond to it with enthusiasm -- I'd be recalibrating your sense of what 'nice' looks like, because you seem to be confusing 'nice' with 'overly full on and smothering.' Is this because you are used to much less emotionally available men?

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other, really, OP -- someone playing it cool and ignoring your needs isn't all that different from someone coming on way too strong too soon who is also ignoring your clearly-expressed needs.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 19:17

@NobleRot well I know what you mean but I wasn't referring to his neediness as 'nice'. I just meant that he was nice in general. He was a gentleman, considerate etc. The neediness was the part that I didn't like!

Obviously the more I write about all this, the more I realise that his neediness and intensity was probably more of a red flag than I realised at the beginning.

Needless to say, I will be steering clear of dating apps for quite some time now.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 11/08/2019 19:36

I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

We probably just get them more often in our 20's. You'll now be more aware of the fundamentals to avoid. You definitely deserve to be excited to be seeing whoever's you're seeing. When you're not feeling it, it takes time away from meeting someone who makes you feel that way

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 20:06

@Everafter1 thank you, you're right. That is why I need to end it now and not let it drag on. For his benefit as well as mine.

OP posts:
AGenericUsername · 11/08/2019 20:35

If you say "he's nice BUT..." then dump him. There shouldn't be a but. He's not worth your time and it's not fair to waste his. You're definitely not expecting too much. You're not feeling it so it's not right.

Stuckandsad · 11/08/2019 20:51

I think the main thing for me, is when you say no to a man, and he uses it as a negotiation, you're always going to be feeling a little bit lost and confused. You've given him that inch, when you didn't want to. It's a way of subtly controlling someone. Listen to your instincts here.