Why can't I like the nice ones?

[crappyday2018]

Been seeing a guy for about 10 weeks now. He is probably one of the nicest guys I've met. He's not my usual type but has a lovely face, looks cool, dresses nice and he treats me SO well. He has been very intense though so that has been a bit off-putting. The sex is also VERY good.
So why am I not feeling it?? I want to!
I tried to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I didn't feel as strongly as him and that it wasn't fair. He convinced me to try a bit longer as he realised he's been a but too full-on and he didn't expect me to feel the same.
Its still just not happening. I saw him Friday night and I can't say I was even particularly excited about it and I never particularly miss him either.
I should break it off shouldn't I as its just not going to happen is it? Its going to be like kicking a puppy.

The last time I tried to end it he sent me this great big long message the next morning saying he had been up all night thinking and that he realised he had been too intense and that he didn't expect me to feel the same. He said he would tone things down

Red flags. Everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

1. You say you "tried to end" the relationship. He did not accept your decision.
2. he sent you a big message arguing with your reasons for ending things.
3. he said he had "been up all night thinking about it " = emotional manipulation.
4. he promised to "tone things down" in a massive long emotionally manipulative email! How is that toning things down??

This is not a nice guy. This is a smothering, controlling, steam rollering man who had ALREADY played the "women have treated me badly" card in an attempt to extract pity and make you feel the need to prove you're not like that. A successful attempt - you already want to end things but feel bad about it and assume it's your fault, right?

Agree with all pp - emotional manipulator for sure. Good luck with ending it. Be polite but firm. Keep us posted if he tries any nonsense.

Blimey, I wish I had posted sooner. I really didn't see all this at the time but its clearer now. Don't get me wrong, it didn't 'feel' right when he wouldn't accept what I said. If someone told me they just didn't feel the same, I genuinely wouldn't want to continue with them anyway.
I've not really messaged him much at all tonight and he has clearly picked up on this. I've just had a long message about how he appreciates I'm being patient with him and that he knows he sucks at not seeing me etc etc. I feel like this is now emotional blackmail cos he can tell I'm being a bit cold with him.
I'm not going to reply tonight and then I will message him tomorrow and end it.

Good on you OP. Dont feel daft, the rest of us are only using our own experiences to help. We've all been right where you are too xx

So an update for those who kindly replied. As suspected he didn't take it well. He bombarded me with messages ranging from "why did you sleep with me at the weekend then?" to "I've only ever been a gent and loving and caring towards you" to "you have used me" and many many more. He thinks I have 'sabotaged something that could have been fantastic'.
I'm beyond shocked at his reaction - who goes on like that?
Needless to say I;ve stopped responding!

Pat on the back for us all for seeing that coming! Well done on getting shot op.

Its good he's showing you his true colours now. Get him blocked on everything.

Yuck, OP, you're well out of it.

"you have used me"

PMSL 🤣🤣🤣

These types do like to stick to a script 🤔
Ignore him from now on! Do you have support in real life?

Good grief!

Glad you escaped early enough, I guess all the doubts were your instincts telling you to run.

Lucky escape. You felt it wasn't right. Should always trust your instinct. I dated someone briefly who was ever so lovely...but same, but too needy!! It's the right choice!! He's not for you x

@Lemoneeza yes I have plenty support. I'm totally fine though, relieved if I'm honest. I'm also glad that my instincts do work and I will listen to them earlier in future.

Good resolution, OP.

His responses are very needy! You'd never get rid of him if it had gone on longer. Good job

Ooh dear, sounds like he blames women for all his woes. Bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy unfortunately...

So, things have gotten a bit worse. He started with the texts last night. They range from confusion as to how I could do this, to self-pity. I ignored them. He's sent more today and seems deluded saying things like "I take it you don't want to see me tonight now?" and then "I'll be at the pub at 7 and will wait for you there".
I know I shouldn't engage but I became concerned he may just turn up at my house so I replied and told him that I had made my decision and he needed to respect that and I would not be there.
Now he's insisting he needs to 'talk about this properly' because he needs to explain a few things but isn't trying to change my mind!
I know exactly what he plans - to go into detail about the bad stuff he has said has happened to him in the past to make me feel sorry for him. He is going to call me at 8.15pm tonight.
Obviously I won't answer as I do not want to talk to him but I'm worried that if I block him, he will take drastic measures and turn up at my house (if not tonight, another time). Thankfully he doesn't drive though so it wouldn't be easy for him to do that.
What is the best thing to do?

That sounds awful. I think you do need to block him, though, on every messaging service you have, and hope that the effort to get to your house will be enough to put him off turning up. If he does, I think you would have to just not open the door and inform him that you'll call the police if he doesn't go away - and be prepared to do it, too. The threat will probably be enough to put him off though!

There is no point in trying to talk to him because he's already shown you that he's not actually interested in listening to what you want. You were right to trust your instincts on this one.

I think this guy is a narcissist. Love bombing, playing the victim, his ex was mean and cheated, not respecting your wish to end things, emotionally immature etc. Playing the victim is very common in narcs and one of the biggest cons played out by sociopaths so please don't fall into that trap again. Sometime when we have been with overtly abusive people, we fall for the opposite and end up with someone just as bad. His delusion about meeting at the pub one minute and then recognising it's over the next makes me really concerned for your safety as he sounds unhinged.

He's hoovering you and trying to meet you in person to convince you to come back to him. I'm afraid many narcs will harrass you after ending the relationship. Dont fall for it, they often only want you back to punish you for leaving in the first place. Dont fall for the 'wanting to be friends' bullshit either or they are going to commit suicide.

Block him on everything and if he continues to contact you then involve the police. I've been where you are now and it's never ended well unfortunately because at some point they realise you are not coming back and then the smear campaign starts and they can be relentless and very vindictive.

The lesson you should take from this is always trust your gut instinct. It was telling you he was too full on from the beginning which quite rightly put you off but then he was able to convince you that there was a justifiable reason for it (I.e playing the victim).

This article explains it better than I can www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/dating-a-narcissist-phrases-to-know-2017-3

The phrase that sticks out to me is "I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him,"

Thank you. I feel rather un-nerved tonight now. He never came across as being vindictive or someone who might try to cause me harm so I hope I'm at least right about this. I can't get my head around his inability to accept what I've said.
I have diverted all calls to voicemail and no contact as yet. I will definitely block him but for some reason tonight, I kind of need to know what he is doing if that makes sense. I have no intention of replying to anything now.

You have done very well to end things with this needy, pushy man.

I would have replied, “Don’t call me tonight. I have ended our relationship. Please accept that. Best wishes for the future.”

Then nothing else before blocking him.

That's what makes narcissists so dangerous, they are very manipulative and able to build a facade of being a harmless victim in life who only wants love. The reality is that it is a mask they work very hard to build but they let it slip eventually and that is what you are seeing now.

There is nothing to understand other than he is a deeply disturbed person, full of envy and shame but completely lacking in empathy and sees people merely as narcissistic supply. I'd be willing to bet everything he has told you is a lie. You have caused a narcissistic injury by breaking up with him (all narcs fear abandonment and exposure of the false self as mortal wounds) so will feel entitled to enact revenge (and they lack empathy so you could be in real danger). I think his denial about things ending is because the rejection is too painful for him to accept and the rest is just a guilt trip to make you come back. It reminds me of my ex narc who I broke up with and he then proceeded to email me all the reasons why HE broke up with me (I suspect because he couldn't handle being broken up with). This guy stalked me for 6 months and tried to frame me for extortion to the police afterwards so do not underestimate what they are capable of.

There's no point talking to him about it because they have no insight into their own behaviour and are pathological liars anyway so you will never know the truth and to be honest, they are batshit and you cant ever understand crazy. He doesn't see you as a person and will hopefully just move on to his next victim sharpish (people are interchangeable for narcs) so dont spend a minute of your time feeling sorry for him. The best thing to do is take a break from dating and learn all you can about narcissists because they are everywhere. Doing this has changed my life.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thank you and for the links. I've been reading them. Many of the traits are very like him eg.
'Changing your mind is seen as an affront to them' - this happened a couple of weeks ago when I cancelled a day out he planned cos I couldn't afford to go. He did not take it well and tried to make me feel really bad about it.

'Stingy except when buying for themselves' - I noticed he wasn't overly keen to offer to pay for things yet was always buying new clothes.

'Pity Play' - he had a girlfriend killed in a car accident, abused by his mum and his ex cheated on him.

He has sent a text asking if he can call now. I've not replied. I'm going to block now. I feel sick.

Send him ONE text that says "our relationship is over. Do not contact me again via any method. If you do, I'll be reporting you for harassment." the block him on every channel. All social media, your phone, email etc. If he escalates after that, you will need to contact the police. There is some great advice here
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/harassment-and-the-law/

If he turns up outside your house, do not respond in any way, just call 101.

Perhaps a last text informing him that you're now going to block, and if he continues to find ways to harass you, you will call the police. Keep the messages and voicemails for a while in case you need to carry the threat through, as they'll be your evidence. Remember you only need to demonstrate more than a couple of instances of unwanted contact to prove harassment - I was a police officer many moons ago and it was starting to be taken more seriously then, so you do have backup if you need it.

Ah, cross post there, but please take that as confirmation that you're not overreacting here.

No wonder. Personally I’d send a final text making it clear you do not want any more contact. This is for your own sake should you need to take this further (hopefully you won’t!).

“I’m going to be blunt here because I want to be clear. I won’t take your call tonight because I no longer wish to continue our relationship. I hope you find happiness with someone compatible in the future but going forward, I don’t require any further contact with you.”

Then block. If he continues to try to contact you after that you can show that it wasn’t welcome or encouraged in any conceivable way.