Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why can't I like the nice ones?

66 replies

crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 16:37

Been seeing a guy for about 10 weeks now. He is probably one of the nicest guys I've met. He's not my usual type but has a lovely face, looks cool, dresses nice and he treats me SO well. He has been very intense though so that has been a bit off-putting. The sex is also VERY good.
So why am I not feeling it?? I want to!
I tried to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I didn't feel as strongly as him and that it wasn't fair. He convinced me to try a bit longer as he realised he's been a but too full-on and he didn't expect me to feel the same.
Its still just not happening. I saw him Friday night and I can't say I was even particularly excited about it and I never particularly miss him either.
I should break it off shouldn't I as its just not going to happen is it? Its going to be like kicking a puppy.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/08/2019 21:16

I did laugh (blackly) at the part where you described how he reacted to being told he was too intense, with a massive long text all about how he’s been up thinking about it all night and how he isn’t going to be intense any more.
He can’t help himself you know...

You do right to obstruct and divert.

crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 21:16

I already blocked him before I read the last replies on here. I didn't send him a final text but I had previously told him I couldn't talk to him.
Should I unblock and send a final one or just leave it now. I don't really want to send him any more to be honest.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 15/08/2019 21:21

Yes, the 'being cheated on by an ex' is very common in these types of men. They use it to elicit sympathy from you but also use it as a reason for why they eventually start to accuse you of cheating or expressing displeasure in you having male friends which is all done to control. The worst part is that it's often projection, so they were the ones that actually cheated (most narcs are PROLIFIC cheaters). He didnt get so good in bed by accident. They often claim to have only had a few partners but the reality is often hundreds of women as they keep several on the go at once. They are often riddled with STDs too so I would get checked out at a GUM if you haven't already done so.

The dressing nice, only spending money on himself are all big signs of narcissism. Remember that you only saw him in the lovebombing phase so you haven't really seen half of what he is capable of and have had a very lucky escape.

Their ultimate aim is control and he has shown you many aspects of this which I hope you can see more clearly now so that you can learn to spot the warning signs much quicker next time.

I know it can be so scary when you realise what you have let into your life but the majority of them do disappear after a few Hoover attempts and I think the fact that your relationship was relatively short means he will give up quickly. The worrying thing is that all sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissistic so its difficult to tell whether you are dealing with one or just a garden variety narc. I do worry about this guys intensity and delusion as most narcs are far more subtle than this guy and he could be very dangerous so blocking is very sensible.

See it this way, narcs need other people to feel like they exist and if you end the relationship before they have found new supply (narcs often line up new supply if they are planning to discard) then it will be for them like a heroin addict going without his drugs. He needs his supply fix from you which is why he is acting the way he is right now. He's desperate for a fix and is acting desperate because of it.

You should be really proud of yourself for figuring him out only 10 weeks in (I was married to one for 6 years). Dont beat yourself up for falling for his bullshit (this is a common way to feel after narc abuse) and use this experience to learn about early warning signs. Estimates are that 10% of the population are narcs and ince you learn the signs, you will see them everywhere (friends, family, work etc) and learn to cut toxic people from your life. It's the only gift narcs can give.

pictish · 15/08/2019 21:22

Have you been responding to his text campaign or ignoring him?

Send him a final one. Do not threaten him with a harassment charge, just keep it simple. We are finished. No more contact. If he disregards that, then you have tangible just cause to issue a warning or go straight to police for advice.

crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 21:28

@Jaffacakesaremyfave Oh my god, so many things are exactly him.

He didnt get so good in bed by accident. They often claim to have only had a few partners but the reality is often hundreds of women as they keep several on the go at once Yes he was amazing in bed yet made a point of saying he knew nothing of girls until he was older and hadn't had much experience!! I naively put it down to the fact he was just eager to please.

The worst part is that it's often projection, so they were the ones that actually cheated (most narcs are PROLIFIC cheaters) He accused me of not being honest and said he was insecure that I was seeing other people. YET he showed me something on his phone last weekend and a text popped up from a female and he panicked and took it straight out my hand.

God I can't believe all of this adding up now....... I need to stop being so bloody trusting.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 21:29

@pictish I ignored about 12 messages and only responded to a couple tonight when he said he would wait for me in the pub. So, I've given him little communication. I've blocked now and am leaving him blocked.

OP posts:
Chocrichtea · 15/08/2019 21:43

Hi OP. I posted not long ago about a guy just like this. It was under another name but @jaffacakesaremyfav gave me great advice.
I actually did have to get the police involved in the end as he made a fake social media page and followed me on it, was posting weird stuff and followed my friends on social media. He was also intense and needy. Claimed we had this amazing connection. Told me he doesn't take rejection well! Spoke about himself alot! Told me about his family and how his dad never showed him love.
When I called it off with him he also bombarded me with long messages and calls. I told him I didn't want to. I told him I needed space but he still kept texting me. The rules for harassment is you need to be clear and say do not contact me anyway from now on. If there are 2 incidents after this then you have a case with the police. So I think you should unblock and send that text. Hope you're ok i know how unnerving it is.

crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 21:49

@Chocrichtea oh god, this makes me even more nervous. I'm going to have to go and get bloody checked out at the GUM clinic now too.

So, I unblocked, sent a message that just said "please don't contact me, its for the best' and then blocked again.

The title of my original post is now rather ironic!

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 15/08/2019 21:51

@crappy it's scary isn't it how similar they are. Most narc victims are convinced they dated the same person because they all use the same tactics which is good because you can learn to spot them.

Did you meet him online by any chance? Even if not, I bet if you look on a few dating sites you will find him. They are rife with narcissists because it's an easy way for them to get supply. I can guarantee the message you saw from another woman was one of his other victims.

Sadly, I've learned to stop being so trusting too after being targeted by several of these evil fuckers. I always try to see the good in people but I've learned they choose their victims carefully and often target empaths and codependents.

Document everything and if the police dont take you seriously at first then keep pushing them to listen (had this happen to me). Keep all the messages he has ever sent you. You wont be the first person he has done this to so hopefully if you do need to go to the police then they will be able to see from his record what kind of person he is. I wouldnt be surprised if he has several DV charges as he is very controlling.

I really hope it doesnt come to that OP and he leaves you alone now.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 15/08/2019 21:56

@Chocrichtea I remember your post. Has he left you alone now? I really hope so.

I found out today my harrassment charge against my ex narc was dropped because the police had a backlog in analysing his phone and the time to charge him expired so he basically got away with making my life miserable for the best part of a year on a technicality.

I really dont think the laws are strong enough on this type of abuse and many people (including the police) just dont get it.

Chocrichtea · 15/08/2019 21:58

Yea very true @jaffacakesaremyfav this sounded exactly like the guy I was dating!
I also felt not keen from the beginning OP and thought I'll just give this a go. I tried for 6 weeks. He was obsessed just after 6 weeks! I haven't heard from him since I threatened the police and I hope it stays that way. I think after a week he will move onto someone else.

crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 22:00

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thank you so much for the advice. This is my first experience of a narc so sadly I took everything he said on face value.

Even his mannerisms came across as slightly nerdy and inexperienced so I think that is why I believed him. He really did come across as slightly socially awkward and gentle guy.

Yes I met him online and our first date, he talked and talked (mainly about himself) but I put that down to nerves. Another warning sign of course.

His story of his ex was the oddest because he claimed they had been together over 10 years yet hadn't lived together and he apparently found out she had moved in with an ex (and he didn't know).

Anyway, I just pray this is the end of it!

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 15/08/2019 22:31

@Chocrichtea I'm glad to hear he's left you alone and I hope it stays that way too. Sadly one of my exes went quiet for 3 months before he sent an anonymous bunch of flowers to my workplace and it all started up again so you can never be sure they are gone for good.

@crappy, don't beat yourself up about taking him at face value. Normal people don't behave this way so it's hard to fathom that there are people out there like this. Everything is always so much clearer in hindsight and it took me 3 short narc relationships in succession and alot of reading until I finally figured it all out.

crappyday2018 · 15/08/2019 22:38

@Jaffa well I do appreciate the advice although I'm sorry it comes from a place of bitter experience.

I hope I don't have to update this again!

OP posts:
over50andfab · 15/08/2019 23:00

OP, just read your thread - well done for going with your gut and blocking the guy. I think a lot of us have been in your shoes and believe what we are being told by these guys, while knowing that something isn’t right. You really aren’t alone in this.

And yes, get yourself down to the GUM clinic - which is of course what we should all do after a relationship finishes - or a new one starts, whoever our partner is/was. You might even be able to do postal testing depending on what your clinic offers.

Dating can be tough - better luck with the next guy Smile

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 16/08/2019 08:24

Don't forget to also block him on Tinder or whatever the dating app was. I hope you don't have to update us again - try not to be nervous, it was a short relationship and perhaps he'll just cut his losses and go after the next one. If he does persist, you've got the evidence that you didn't want any further contact.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page