Forgive and Moving after Cheating- is it possible?

[PrimroseDot]

Hello,

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me with a colleague at least 4 times over about 3 months. I was absolutely devastated but it all made sense after he told me a few weeks prior to me finding out that he didn’t love me anymore- I came on here for advice and a lot of people said there would be an ow, and there was!
Anyway I decided to try and forgive him, try and move on. I’ve concentrated on myself- joined gym, finally got back to my pre pregnancy body after 10 years! Going out more, seeing and being more open to making friends, basically never turning down any invites. I’ve had therapy for 3 months, just myself not couples as I felt I wanted to work on me not us first and I actually feel like I have the old me back. I didn’t realise but I had been so unhappy for the last 10 years, I feel like a different person. Our relationship is like a new one, I said to DH that the marriage we had is over and I feel this is all new. Things are good and he has changed a lot, I am happy BUT have a lot of doubts. I’m at peace with the fact that I could feel like ending it all tomorrow, and actually I’m not scared of being alone. Can I ever actually forgive him? It still makes me angry everyday, I still think about all the things he did and the lies he told. Will I ever stop thinking about it? I also have this fear that things will slip back to how they were and he will do it again- and I would have wasted all this time. Has anyone’s relationship survived cheating in the long run?

I could have forgiven a drunken one night stand. What I couldn't forgive were the lies and deceit that will always go hand in hand during an affair. I do think that someone who is capable of this level of deceit is not a good person and not one I wanted to stay married to. I did try for six months but in the end I remember looking at him and thinking I'd not be able to hold my head up again if I remained in the marriage.

@Needsomebottle I think I will start to keep a diary, I eel better writing my feeling down.

@WomblingBy no I'm not German :-), I mean not so much a honeymoon period in that everything is great, like it just feels new and different and I don't know him well (sounds crazy as I've know him a long time!).

@MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw so sorry, the days following me finding out feel like a complete blur.

glad the thread is a support for lots of us, as I do feel alone with this in real life a lot of the time,

I still spend probably 25% of my day thinking of it, but that's an improvement from 99% of my time.

So many everyday things stir up horrible memories, feelings and thoughts for me of the whole thing. I now hate hearing about my dh work day, as it all happened "at work." I get so anxious on a Sunday night and Monday as its the start of the work week. He has a company social thing this week- he has promised to only go for a couple of hours but its not the actual going out bothering me, its the fact that its the exact circumstances it all started in- the memories of it. This probably makes no sense.

Anyway this week I have kept busy and tomorrow when I know he's out, I will take the kids to the cinema to keep my mind from thinking about it all.

Abadlyshavedyeti
Your dp must cut all contact if you have any chance of making it work. Why is he resisting cutting her off? This would be deeply concerning for me and make me question his need to watch her from afar. He is offering you no reassurance and delaying your healing. The fear has got to go. If someone wants to do a thing they will find a way. Make up your mind what you want and focus less on what he wants. The ball is in your court and he needs to know this.

flamingjune I could not cope with a carefully planned ongoing affair that takes lies on top of lies to keep it going. The thought that my dh could consistently betray me would destroy any future for us.

primtose everything you are feeling is totally normal. You will have days when you think you are fine and then, wham, something will stir it up.

@Faith50 i think so. He took her on holiday (not a cheap one either). That is how I found out, he sent me a photo claiming to be of the day it was sent but I had suspicions and checked the date stamp and it wasn't the same day. Then when he returned from his "business trip" ( it was partially a business trip!) I checked his passport and offered to wash the clothes in the suitcase and found what i needed. I confronted him a few days after.

Tbh we had drifted apart, didn't communicate and weren't in a good place. He said she was someone to talk to initally then feelings developed. So it was full on emotional and physical. It killed me inside (and out). Nothing compares to the hurt caused by infidelity.

The seperation did us good. The time for space and evaluation is really important because like most I was adamant it was over and I was done. But I could see the remorse and guilt (and tbh a year on I can still see it in him because he knows how much he hurt me). That, coupled with the counselling sessions and kids was the desire to try again. If at any point I felt he wasn't remorseful I am sure it would be a different story, but through seeing the guilt and shame I wanted to put into my marriage to save it.

But the reason i say work on yourself is because i allowed myself to be in this state where DH was my world. That world came crashing down and I realised you really can't rely or depend on anyone other than yourself. I want my kids to see mum as a strong independent woman but also forgiving, not that i want them to ever know. I haven't forgotten, I know I won't but I know I won't stand for it again. Like I said, people make mistakes but twice is not a mistake.

@Faith50 i see you're on anti depressants - A word of advice, these have craxy side affects and actually made me batsh!t cray cray!!! I ended up snapping at everyone around me due to the stress and they helped with sleep for about 5 minutes then i was alone with my thoughts the entire night.

Be careful as they can become addictive xx

@PrimroseDot you sound like me! I have my triggers but as the year has gone by it has reduced from 100% to maybe 40% of my thoughts. Something so innocent and meaningless to others can have a tremendous effect on me, but I am learning to deal with that (we went to couples counselling and attend when we feel we are regressing slightly, which to be fair hasn't been recent at all).

Good luck, take each day as it comes. You sound like you're doing great at 25%!

momoney That discovery must have floored you. The level of deceit to cover his tracks. Making up business trips to spend time with ow. How do you recover from that? Does your dh take you on holiday?

Have those feelings gone?

It is important to have time for yourself; hobbies, socialise separately.

Do your family members know? How have they been towards your dh?

Both of our parents know and have been supportive.

@faith50 yes defo floored me but like I said, time and patience is key. Each day gets a bit easier and I am hoping longer term this is the best for us both and we look back as the turning point in our marriage which made it stronger. Positive thinking.

Yes all family know. His family refused to believe it and blamed me for the first 6 months (I was a sh1t wife to make him do that, yes i made HIM do it can you believe it!) But again, forgiving in order to move on. as long as he is in my life, so are they.

We are going on a nice holiday at the end of the year actually. Looking forward to it. He suggested a break in April but I daid3no as I wanted to do a bigger family Christmas break (to avoid spending with inlaws mainly but of course he doesn't know that!!!).

I think he is over it. When we watch movies or shows that verge on deciet and deception he is quick to hold my hand, remind me he loves me or cuddle me. I think its also a reminder to him he f**ked up. I don't want him to continuously do that, we just need to get on with life, keep communicating and look forward.

My family were super. My parents respected the decision to try again but equally supportive when I wasn't sure what i was going to do. They helped with the kids, helped me generally and allowed me time and space. My siblings still hold it against him but they understand I have chosen to move forward therefore they are too. Begrudgingly of course! So famiyly events aren't how they were before but slowly slowly with time I hope we all get back to a sense of calm and normality with no hosility or unspoken grudges

momoney It does become easier as time goes on. At first it is all you think about and all too consuming. For for first two months I was functioning on the outside but losing it on the inside. There are times it does not enter my mind for hours. I am now truly engaged when with others and not half thinking about the pain and how crap I feel. It is wonderful!

O@faith50 how long has it been for you? If you don't mind me asking?

@Faith50 i dont think I tagged you properly before!!!

Also i am glad to hear you're in recovery. I guess when you're married for like 50 years, this part of your marriage will always be the worse but you'll have some amazing highs, a few other lows but it'll become a faded distant memory (or at least I hope).

momoney Just over a year ago. The first two or three months were horrendous. The pain is no longer there. Sometimes there is sadness. It is fading each day. It helps that dh has been nothing but loving and patient.

faith how have you managed to forgive? I seriously don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried and sometimes I think he wasn’t patient enough but I’m not sure I ever can.
I’m so sad to be getting divorced but I can’t seem to let it go. It hurts so fucking much and I’m not sure I can ever recover fully from the lies.

Too many people are quick to jump ship

I wasn't and it's ruined my life. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat but I do believe once trust is gone the hurt party never truly gets over that and will always be wondering what the other half is doing. But I'm still here after more than 15 years so I can't say I haven't given it a good go.

but i do believe once you work on yourself, you can really move on.

Oh now I get it. It's all my fault. If only I had thought of this over the years...

Honestly I'm glad you forgave and moved on, even though I think it's crazy just to forget how badly someone whos supposed to love you treated you but everyone deals differently, you are definitely in the very very minority but for those of us who were affected for life from it, "working on ourselves" isn't always the answer. Maybe it was my fault he did what he did and if only I worked on myself before it he might have stayed loyal... Who'd have thought that's how it worked....

But next time I'm going through a downtime because of it and am feeling at my worst I'll just remember it's my fault for not working on myself....

how have you managed to forgive? I seriously don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried and sometimes I think he wasn’t patient enough but I’m not sure I ever can.

I don't either. But I only half believe those that say they did. Anyone who knows me in real life thinks the same about us. And I'd say the same out loud. It's only here on these threads that pop up every few days that I admit I have never and will never get over it.

But it's good for the cheater if the other party just gets over it and they get their life back after having their fun... I just don't know how anyone can honestly do it. But up thread someone said you just need to "work on yourself" and everything will be better.....

@AlongTheWay yes i said work on yourself, but you've taken it out of context. What i meant by that whatever decision you make from the experience (to stay or go), use it as a learning to develop yourself and independence. I.e. have a life of your own, finances of your own etc so if you do want to split you are you not 'we' and have an 'I can do this'mentality, which sadly a lot of women are scared of.

Re: the moving on part, life is too short. I personally made a choice to forgive so working on forgiveness means moving forward. I never said I forgot, infact i think i said i haven't forgotten in one of my posts. Why am i going to keep bringing it up in a marriage I have chosen to continue with, it doesn't make sense. That would be a constant reminder and would just keep taking me back. If he does it again, he does it again and then what? I move to the next chapter of my life.

There wasn't any need for the sarcasm really. I get your experience is different to mine but you don't know me and I don't know you so our view on life, experiences and relationships are different. If you've not managed to forgive after 15 years then maybe it wasn't for you but I was simply sharing my experience ands views because working on myself (theough therapy) made it MUCH easier and at NO POINT DID I SAY it was the fault of the cheated spouse and the cheater gets away without any implications.

@Faith50 We are still in the early days but I am glad to hear you're getting better each day xx wish you all the best in the journey ahead xx

momoney I really admire that you can make a decision to forgive and move on. I have just not been able to do it. The hurt consumes me and that means I lash out (verbally) at him when I’m hurting because he caused that hurt. I genuinely don’t know how you let go.

@needtorecover have you tried therapy (individual and couples)?

Why am i going to keep bringing it up in a marriage I have chosen to continue with, it doesn't make sense

I don't either. Never mention it. Doesn't mean I've forgotten, or that it didn't ruin my life, or that I still personally don't go over it often, or that it caused lifelong debilitating depression and anxiety, etc.

Just because some of us can't let go or forgive doesn't mean we bring it up and talk about it all the time. Usually the opposite.

There wasn't any need for the sarcasm really

Apologies you took it that way but I took you're pretty offensively myself. Even the post above kind of alludes to what others must be doing like bringing it up etc. The tone is a bit off IMO and that's just IMO, anyway no need to further engage. Have a great day.

@Alongtheway I apologise if I have caused any offence. I guess this is a sensitive subject and people will read into comments in their own TOV because we don't know each other.

I hope you have a lovely day and best wishes for the future.

momoney I’ve done both individual and couples therapy.
Apparently couples therapy doesn’t work for dh and he refused to go anymore.