Forgive and Moving after Cheating- is it possible?

[PrimroseDot]

Hello,

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me with a colleague at least 4 times over about 3 months. I was absolutely devastated but it all made sense after he told me a few weeks prior to me finding out that he didn’t love me anymore- I came on here for advice and a lot of people said there would be an ow, and there was!
Anyway I decided to try and forgive him, try and move on. I’ve concentrated on myself- joined gym, finally got back to my pre pregnancy body after 10 years! Going out more, seeing and being more open to making friends, basically never turning down any invites. I’ve had therapy for 3 months, just myself not couples as I felt I wanted to work on me not us first and I actually feel like I have the old me back. I didn’t realise but I had been so unhappy for the last 10 years, I feel like a different person. Our relationship is like a new one, I said to DH that the marriage we had is over and I feel this is all new. Things are good and he has changed a lot, I am happy BUT have a lot of doubts. I’m at peace with the fact that I could feel like ending it all tomorrow, and actually I’m not scared of being alone. Can I ever actually forgive him? It still makes me angry everyday, I still think about all the things he did and the lies he told. Will I ever stop thinking about it? I also have this fear that things will slip back to how they were and he will do it again- and I would have wasted all this time. Has anyone’s relationship survived cheating in the long run?

It’s often the little things OP. In my case I found a load of songs/poems in a drawer from 11 years previously, I knew immediately who they were about and hearing him singing them— (he’s a musician too) and had recorded them to CD, made me think ‘what if he had died and I had just come across all these’on clearing out. A stupid thought I know but couldn’t get it out my head. All I can say is in my case I think it was a one off period of time but it made me feel extremely second rate, I’ve never had a single poem/song, this person was21 and he was 41. He describes at as a crush and he went too far, but it wasn’t cheating (although there was a lot of texting between them at the time too) thing is though to me it sure feels like cheating . Like yourself OP I decided to be more myself, make more friends etc and feel more confident that if I decide bullocks to it, I’m in a better place mentally

From the outside ours did. We appear happy. Deep down I have never forgiven and I am always worried about the possible next time.

Many people will tell you they know this person and that person who forgave and moved on now theyre stronger than ever but that's what we want people to think. We don't want people to know that we were weak enough to not leave them and then we weren't happy, we were always wondering what they're doing and who theyre messaging. We always go over that period to some extent and always wonder how we could be treated this way and why we let it happen.

You can continue on playing happy families but deep down I don't think it ever goes away. Hasn't for me after more than 15 years but no one who knows me would suspect a thing. I wallow in depression as a result of it in my own and have isolated myself from much of the world these days. It ruined my life.

I have said all this many times on here. There's an identical thread at least once a week asking the same.

Alongtheway I am sending you flowers

I wonder how many men and women conceal how they are really feeling. There is only so long you can mope around, crying and complaining to friends and family. You have to make a decision to stay and work it out or cut your losses.

In some ways it is better when very few know of your infidelity as it can go on to define your marriage. Though it was and is painful and turned your world upside down, there has got to be more meaning to your union.

I understand why people stay and why they leave. Some relationships/marriages have a lot of issues- infidelity is one of them. Whilst other relationships are not worth giving up.

I think it takes a strong person to stay and work it out. Initially the emotions you go through are enough to send you off the rails.

I really hate the way it has changed me. We always used to go to bed together but this stopped (and was one of the signs that something was wrong), he didnt want to come to bed with me as he was busy whatsapping her. He does come to bed with me now but i am too scared to leave him and go to bed early incase he tries to contact her. Which is frankly stupid.

He has cut all contact with her and tells me that they have not contacted each other since, i stalk them both on whattsapp and he is never on it much, she is always on it. I hate doing it, but i cant stop.I dont know why he wouldnt delete her off facebook. He has always maintained it was him and she was just a friend and innocent in all this. He was very insistent on her innocence in all this. But it takes 2 for an EA. I know that there are so many ways to contact each other and i would probably never know. its this paranoia that sends you round the bend.

I think he said he didnt love me to stop me from killing friend and telling her boyfriend. By saying that, if we wanted to work on things i had to tow the line, not telling people, not telling her boyfriend, DP really played a fucking blinder there didnt he.

My biggest fear was that he would walk out and leave. But he had 4 solid chances to go (2 of them i asked him to go), and he hasnt, i dont think he had any intention of leaving, was just managing the situation his way.

Same as you OP, i am working on me, going out with friends, sorting my finances out, trying to change things at work which have made me really unhappy, joining the gym again and starting my hobbies again. I want to be in a position so that if it happens again or i am at a point where i think "fuck it", i have the strength to tell him to go and not crumble. I hate the fact that i begged and pleaded and bargained, but i was desperate.

I dont want to keep telling my friends all about it as i am sure they are bored to death with it, but i need to talk about it and get different view points. I started AD's this week, i hope they work as i really cant cope with the despair i feel.

Oh and i changed friends name to slag in my phone, childish but makes me smile.

Abadlyshavedyeti

Why do you still have her number?
Why are you stalking her on FB and WhatsApp?

You need to break ALL contact in order to heal and move on. You are making her more important than she needs to be. She is taking up far too much of your headspace. Seeing her profile and status updates will not benefit you in any way.

You are right - if your dp wants to contact her he will find a way. You are not chained to the hip. Being fearful will not stop anything from happening in future - it only puts you on edge and steals your joy today. Your dh has to put measures in place to make you feel safe as he messed up not you.

Why did you beg, plead and bargain? Your dp should have being doing the begging.

I don’t think it will make us stronger, maybe individually happier in the long run if we do stay together but not stronger. It makes me realise how this whole life we have had always been balancing on a fine point and actually always will. But I am more than the life I have with him, if it tips the other way that could actually be a better life!?
I would say delete her number or store it somewhere like in an email folder in case you ever feel you need it.
I had days where I would look up the ow, has her listed as c you next Tues in my phone. Although looking at her on social media made me laugh at her pitiful life and photos, it actually would send me on a downward spiral for the day and make me feel rubbish. Now if I’m tempted to look her up, I think to myself do not let her steal a moment more of your time, don’t let them both (DH and her) and what they did occupy our mind. It mostly works.

My partner of 2.5 years was about to cheat on me and I found out. He cheated on his ex wife and all his girlfriends, I thought I was different and he’d changed. More fool me.

PrimroseDot- I could have written your op. In fact, if any of my friends are reading this they probably think that it is me!

I know I will never trust my DH again, and because of that I don’t really want to stay with him. I know I am OK on my own, but due to worry about the affect of divorce on my DCs and also how difficult I will struggle financially, I am still trying to decide what to do.

It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one that has looked up the ow online. But no good comes of it as it makes you feel rubbish about yourself.

I know eventually I will be ok but divorce is so painful. Sometimes I wish that I could have let it go, that maybe I should have tried harder and not thrown it in his face so much. But it hurts so bloody much doesn’t it? How do you ever get over the lies?
It haunts me.

She looked me up.. then told me everything! Yay lucky me. She had to be at least 10 years younger, amazingly pretty / skinny and child free of course. It haunts me to..! It's not going to go away, I've convinced myself of that much. We are just about to head off on our summer holiday for two weeks, he will spend most of that time head in his laptop, personally I'd rather he didn't even come along. I'm also hedging my bets on him leaving for meetings half way through.. hasn't said so yet but highly likely. I wish I was stronger and could shout from the rooftops what a vile man he's been!!

There’s just so much to think about, it isn’t as simple as just walking away, that would actually be so much easier.

The lies haunt me too, it really hurts to know that I will actually never know the truth, even if he is telling the full truth, I will never actually know what happened. It’s the little things that haunt me, the conversations they shared, what actually went through his mind when making the decision to cheat. It’s not comprehensible to me- I cant imagine acting that way. The pain he has caused me is just immense, how to you move on from being so hurt by someone you never imagined could hurt you this way

how to you move on from being so hurt by someone you never imagined could hurt you this way

You don't, as many of us have replied, many still live with it daily. Sure we don't complain to anyone in our lives about it, it doesn't consume our every day. But I know it's the cause of my depression, anxiety and the reason I have gradually isolated myself over the years.

Never got over the hit to my self esteem and don't expect I ever will. Not because I choose this. But it's just how its affected me long term.

You are not very long after finding out. It's to be expected you will think of it every day. My DH had an EA, it took me a good year for it not to be on my mind every single day. I think physical would be worse. Be kind to yourself. If you want to work at it and get through it it will take time.

I don't trust my DH the same way. He's thrown that in my face in the past and said we should split up because of it, as I pointed out, this is the cross i have to bear now. If I left him I would never trust anyone in that same way again. As I absolutely did not see it coming. It changed me.

You probably won't trust anyone in the same way again, but if you want to be with him and think it can work some day, battle on. Maybe keep a diary of your feelings so you can see if you are moving on and set yourself a time limit perhaps to see if you are moving forward if you are worried about wasting years in a state of limbo?

I wonder if this is just a phase and I will come crashing down eventually!?

I'm 6 years down the line and so many things you've said echo with me.
It isn't the same but it's mostly very good. I know I could do it on my own if I needed to and so the balance between us is much healthier.

I still put myself first a lot more than I ever used to. I go out with my friends more and i have a lot more confidence generally.

@PrimroseDot

Completely off topic but as a matter of interest, are you German by any chance? The reason I ask is because your cadence of speech is so beautifully and eloquently germanic.

Anyway, back on topic. Yes, I think it is possible to forgive and forget. The question is whether you have had enough time to have got to this point.

When you say it feels like a new relationship, do you mean that you’re experiencing a new honeymoon period? If so then I think you’re definitely on the right track.

This topic comes up an awful lot on mumsnet and other forums.

I don't know why but for some reason the responses on this particular thread deviate from the norm. They seem more hopeful and less painful than other threads.

Generally there are a large amount of responses saying no you never fully forgive and move on, and they tried and tried for X amount of years and then just cut their losses and moved on and wished they did it sooner.

Primrosedot, you sound like you are doing amazing!!

I certainly think you can move on if the underlying relationship is good. In my case I think far less about his stupidity on that front and far more about his secretive porn addiction which seems to have started around the time I found him out (he doesn’t know I know). That aspect has pissed me off just as much to be honest as it’s compounded the negative feelings about him from my angle. I’m still biding my time at the moment and paying stuff down

@thepinkp. Sounds very much like my situation. Only 6/7 weeks into finding out. He took her for days out when he said he was working, stayed overnight in a hotel with her when he said he was working, went to her house when he said he was working. Met her daughter, bought her Xmas presents. It wasn’t just a fling, it was a full blown deception, living a double life. I can’t reconcile that with the person I married.

user147 I agree that a relationship can be saved if there are no other issues.

mylifestartstoday I am sorry for your pain. I do not think I could forgive and reconcile with dh if he had met ow for days/nights out/bought gifts/met her DC or family. This was a heavily invested relationship not a fling. I could not get past the planned deception. Was it a short or long term affair?

I know a lot of comments on here are along the lines of "once a cheat always a cheat" and "dump his sorry a$$" but i do believe once you work on yourself, you can really move on.

I am just over a year post discovery (he didn't tell me, I found out and asked him to leave). We split for 3 months and I think then it hit him what he lost (we have 2 young children too). I also made sure he stayed with family and not OW but I know he ended it the same day I found out (I made sure of it and I did some things I am not proud of but it wasn't my finest hour!).

At first I didn't deal with it well and ended up going to therapy once a week for 2 months to have an outlet to talk. I'm quite a closed book, I shut down and didn't talk to family or friends despite their efforts to be there for me. I think the therapy worked to some degree to help me understand that sometimes we make bad choices but it doesn't mean we are bad people. I guess I kind of started to see things differently. We talked things through and he moved back in - tbh it was mainly for my kids at first. We went to couples therapy too and I guess now I'm starting to be OK. Trust will never be 100% (at least for a long time) but I don't snoop and I do not grill him on his whereabouts if late home/ out with friends. I still respect his privacy and likewise I expect him to respect mine. If he is going to do something, it will come out and there are no second chances so he loses everything.

I think communication is massive too. We talk about issues and concerns more now than we did pre-split and I think it is because we both didn't want to acknowledge when things were going badly. Now If I am upset at him I try to calmly explain why and vice versa. Its not perfect but I am hoping it works out, they say it can take anything between 2 and 5 years to recover from an affair so patience is key.

Too many people are quick to jump ship. People make mistakes, ok this was a big one but try to move forward and work on the problems that led to it.

Nah.
I'd be done and would divorce him.

@Faith50. As far as I know at least 12 months. She left her husband because he found out about them. It was just a fling up until that point I think, but once she made the move and left her husband, mine felt guilty and carried on. She started paying for trips out and he didn’t say no. I’m not blaming only her, he’s a twat, but she pushed it in a direction he never wanted to go. He had no intention of leaving, he was hoping it would fizzle out, I think he was scared she would contact me. Now he’s ended it with her, he thinks we could work it out 😂

Momoney Thanks for sharing. I am pleased life has worked out for you. Whether you stay or leave you will feel hurt and will need to find it in your heart to forgive so you can heal and move on. Were feelings involved?

mylifestarts 12 months of deceit is hard to get over. I suspect your dh was scared the ow would confess so he tried to keep a happy medium. Who was he introduced as when he met her daughter?

This thread is giving me a bit of a lifeline - found out three days ago, whilst on holiday abroad with kids. I’m reeling and feel sad, angry and sick most of the time. DH has reacted as well as could be hoped for but it’s very early days. This thread makes me feel a bit less alone.

@Faith50 - Why do you still have her number?
Why are you stalking her on FB and WhatsApp?

When it first happened i was convinced he was still in contact with her, she said he wasnt, he said he wasnt, funny things like i would leave for work, as soon as my car was off the drive she would be online, he, of course had his last seen turned off. He turned it back on at my request and i do now genuinely believe they are not in contact. I wanted to know if they were as i would have ended it there and then, i wanted to know i wasnt wasting my time trying again.

As for facebook she never posts, but it knocked me sick every time she liked one of DP's posts. I think she is under the impression we are all still friends and is carrying on as normal. I have met her face to face and looking back and further things i found she lied to my face. She just blames her mental health and "her head was up her arse", oh, thats ok then.

I begged as i didnt want him to leave, hindsight is wonderful as i know now that he would never have left, i wanted him to love me again. I really thought he was going to leave me for friend. But he claims he never would have as he is not interested in her like that. I think bullshit.

Picked up my AD's going to try them but for the last few days i have been feeling better and calmer. I even stayed in bed when he got up, as i said before i dont like leaving him on his own incase he got back in contact with her, but today i left him. Small victories.