Forgive and Moving after Cheating- is it possible?

[PrimroseDot]

Hello,

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me with a colleague at least 4 times over about 3 months. I was absolutely devastated but it all made sense after he told me a few weeks prior to me finding out that he didn’t love me anymore- I came on here for advice and a lot of people said there would be an ow, and there was!
Anyway I decided to try and forgive him, try and move on. I’ve concentrated on myself- joined gym, finally got back to my pre pregnancy body after 10 years! Going out more, seeing and being more open to making friends, basically never turning down any invites. I’ve had therapy for 3 months, just myself not couples as I felt I wanted to work on me not us first and I actually feel like I have the old me back. I didn’t realise but I had been so unhappy for the last 10 years, I feel like a different person. Our relationship is like a new one, I said to DH that the marriage we had is over and I feel this is all new. Things are good and he has changed a lot, I am happy BUT have a lot of doubts. I’m at peace with the fact that I could feel like ending it all tomorrow, and actually I’m not scared of being alone. Can I ever actually forgive him? It still makes me angry everyday, I still think about all the things he did and the lies he told. Will I ever stop thinking about it? I also have this fear that things will slip back to how they were and he will do it again- and I would have wasted all this time. Has anyone’s relationship survived cheating in the long run?

My husband cheated on me 8 years ago. We reconciled and had a son together and have had 8 happy years since then. However a stranger knocked on my door 2 weeks ago to tell me he was again having an affair. Hes started "playing football" on thursday nights so I'd never suspected a thing. In the 8 years that have passed he had only learned to cover his tracks better. Go with your heart and dont rush into any decisions. I took him back because I wanted to take the change rather than live the rest of my life regretting our decision to split. X

Cheating is my absolute no go. No second chances. And I know about this from experience. My own. My Mum's. Other people I know. But Mumsnet in particular.
There will be a thread on here at least twice a week about this. 2 days later it inevitably results in the offended person leaving.

What bothers me most about these threads is how many women blame themselves / wonder what they have done wrong / give a second chance because of the kids (to quote a thread today "I don't want to break my lovely little family up")
But the ultimate denial is usually 'My DP would never cheat. I know this for a fact'
No. You don't. Nobody does.

I think you already know the answer OP
You said you cant trust him and never will
Time to move on I'm afraid. Nothing he can say or do will change your mind apparently. Not fair to either of you now.

It is so sad , isn't it ? I too feel the same as you. It will never be the same . I will never forgive or forget what he did.
And it does make you realise that actually you can do without this shit in your life. Just biding my time until I can get rid of him.

Not the same as your situation, OP, as we weren’t married. But my ex-DP cheated on me and it crushed me. I so badly wanted to be able to “forgive and forget”, well, really I wanted to turn back time and have it never have happened.

After 3 months apart I had just been so desperately sad, I thought if we got back together I could be happy again. But, like pp have said, everything was “tainted”.We limped on for about 10 months but something had changed for me (and it didn’t help I’d forced myself to go on dates during our 3 months apart, which had shown me there was a wider world out there), and I ended it.

I don’t regret my decision at all now (and am happily with a wonderful new DP) but there were a couple of very dark years after the break up. I don’t know whether I would have tried longer or harder had we been married.

I definitely don’t blame myself. His actions were his choices. I’m reluctant to go to couples counselling as even though it would be great to learn to communicate better, I’m worried it will look for reasons he cheated and to me I don’t care how “unhappy” he convinced himself he was, his actions at the time towards me didn’t show he was unhappy and there’s just no excuse for what he did. He now accepts it was purely selfishness and grabbing an opportunity that made him feel powerful, didn’t even think about me. It’s like he decided after the event that he must have been unhappy to make that decision, and tried to justify it to himself. Said all the things in the script thing I read on here building up to telling me. It’s scary how I was one of those who said my husband would never cheat, he isn’t like that. It was all right in front of my face but I was in such a bad place myself (and only see this looking back) I think part of me didn’t care.
It took that moment of finding out what he did for me to change my life. He had no respect or desire for me after we had kids, when I was overweight, withdrawn, unsure of myself, and unconfident- now he’s completely changed. But shouldn’t he have helped me when I was lost rather then look to destroy me. It could have easily destroyed me. How do I forgive that? Some days I want to move on and carry on as we are as things feel good 90% of the time but I get that sick crushing feeling at least once each day when I think about what he did. I’ll never really know the truth, I’ll never really know why or how he could do it, and I have to accept that. It would be much easier to split, but actually I will never trust another man again even though I’m sure there are plenty out here who don’t cheat

Primrosedot, I am the same , I totally get it and one reason I haven’t split is I don’t think I will ever trust again

I get the not splitting as you'll never trust again - it sounds very sad (and is) but I feel like I may as well be with DH as I've lost faith in men full stop. There are of course other reasons, but this is one.

N.B. I'm about 10 months post revelation.

Trust can't ever be repaired imo. I tried to move on when my ex first cheated but I was always guarded and half expecting to find out something else. Inevitably I did and I kicked him out and didn't look back. I'm now with a lovely guy who understands about loyalty and also knows I have zero tolerance for cheating of any kind.

A lot of people say time will heal but I just can’t see how I will ever bot feel the hurt and pain, also the humiliation. If he did ever do it again I would have no hesitation about ending the marriage. Although I always said it would be the end if he ever cheated before he did! I feel confident enough that it couldn’t hurt me as much if it happens again, I’m almost prepared for it in my mind. I feel like me believing he would never do it again would be me being too trusting again

I have been unable to forgive and forget. After nearly 2 years we are splitting up.
He did all the right things initially but then got sick of trying. Apparently nothing he did was ever good enough. And he’s probably right. I don’t think anything can make it right.
We spent a lot of time and money at various counsellors but ultimately unless you can really forgive and move on it’s just so hard.
Initially I trusted him. He was so broken by what he’d done that i knew he wouldn’t do anything else and I trusted that it had ended with her. But as the months went by, I just couldn’t trust him not to do it again.

It’s not impossible but the odds are against you both. He didn’t just slip up. It was planned deception. I’m not sure how you can look at him let alone try again.

I hope it works out for you!

No you’re right it wasn’t just a slip up. Some days I feel like I can’t look at him to be honest.
But I feel like it’s worth trying again, and I’m actually ok with it not working out in the end, I think I’d rather be sure that I couldn’t save it than always think what if I’d given it another go. It’s this uneasy feeling of being insecure I don’t like, it’s like it pulls me back from really enjoying anything. If it doesn’t fade I really can’t live like it. It’s only been 4 months, perhaps I need to give it a year and see how I feel then.

OP I am sorry

Four months is no time at all. You are probably just beginning to feel normal.

Was the affair physical, emotional or both?

My dh crossed boundaries and it almost destroyed me physically and emotionally. I felt I could not trust him, I felt l I could not trust anyone at all and I hated that he was responsible for this. The thought of divorcing and getting into a new relationship fills me with horror. Getting to know someone is taxing. Throw DC into the mix and it makes my head spin.

I love Dh, I have never felt as comfortable with anyone else. I have taken a step back. I am actively pursuing my dreams, meeting with friends more, thinking about my future more. At any point I can decide I want out and there is not a thing dh can do.

In a funny way I feel stronger and confident and what used to phase me now does not. I was once conscious of wearing a new hairstyle/clothes to work. Now I do not give a shit.

I am so glad i found this thread. My DP had an EA, it was never physical, but it was with a mutual friend who he has always fancied. I found this out, he didnt confess. I found out 3 months ago.

He claims that he was unhappy and confided in her, he was planning on telling me he wasnt happy after our holiday - which i found cruel, i would have been on probation on holiday with no clue. But of course lines were crossed, everything hidden from me. When confronted I told him that i was going to see friend to get answers from her and he told me he didnt love me and hadnt for months. I really thought it was over as you couldnt come back from that.

He stayed and wanted to work on things to see if his feelings came back, which of course they did, but it broke me, and he was vile to me in the month after, all i wanted to feel secure and he was just cold hearted and vile to me. I now believe he said that to stop me from seeing friend and telling her boyfriend.

Anyway, he has cut all contact with friend, he works with her but she has been off sick since it all came out.

I just also wanted to know how long will it take to feel normal. I am sorry others are going through this also. Like others have said I feel ok then have waves of sadness and anger. I feel like i am starting to get over it then something happens. Last week we had a big falling out as he promised we would both delete her off our facebook and when it came to it he started to back track, asking why etc, he did in the end but we had a big row first.

I worry about being single, money, dating again etc, i have read so many horror stories on MN that i actually think i will stay single for the rest of my life. I too feel that everything is tainted and spoilt. I am also scared that he will do this again. That things will get back to normal and boring and he will go looking for excitement again.

I hate who i have become, distrustful, always looking to see what he is doing on his phone, feeling sick when i hear a message come through, my moods and feelings are dependent on his. But I am wasting my time as he will probably delete everything anyway, everything is locked down and kept away from me.

But someone told me that just because i have taken him back I can still change my mind at any time. And as i have chosen to stay if anything else happens in the future it is not a waste as it was what i wanted.

At the time it happened I wasn’t ready to let go and throw away 20 years. I just want to feel happy and free from all the insecurities that I carry. I love him, I wish I didn’t.

It’s really hard to forget how cruel they have been and the coldness isn’t it?

I feel like I’m living for me again, not through him and the kids. Although he says he prefers this new me, he has had to adjust to being in a relationship which doesn’t put his needs above mine, he needs to be home so I can go out, put aside time for dates, I’m not actually interested in listening about his day endlessly without him taking an interest in mine, if he doesn’t text me, I don’t bother texting him. He’s chasing me- like when we first met. It’s like being in the first stages of a relationship with someone I’ve known for over 14 years- it’s the weirdest thing to experience.
All the little things I used to care about- obsess over I don’t care about anymore, at home and at work. I feel I’m a better mother for it, a bette friend and a better person. I wonder if this is just a phase and I will come crashing down eventually!?

I know I bang on about it but it's definitely been brilliant for me - the ChumpLady book really clarifies this stuff. And I've got lots of experience in this area.

abadlyshavedyeti

How awful that you found out as oppose to your dp telling you. Also it was low of him to tell you he no longer loved you. I wonder why he was vile to you at a time he should have been on his knees begging for forgiveness.

Why will he not cut contact? You cannot even begin to move forward until he does. Does he have/still have feelings for mutual friend? He should be willing to drop her like a ton of bricks. Anything less and he is showing favour/loyalty to her and not you.

The ball is in your court, you can leave at any point.

primrose I know exactly what you mean. It is funny that you can easily lose yourself in relationships. You can grow complacent and used to one another. After the first few months of discovery I would call dh several times a day in hysterics, crying, screaming, asking him why. I was like a zombie at work, barely eating, barely functioning. Now, I can go the whole day without calling dh and it does not bother me in the slightest. I no longer need answers, I no longer need reassurance and or feels bloody good.

I too no longer give a lot of thought to things that would have previously bothered me. I am unsure if this is a good thing or not. I enjoy my friendships and refuse to become a cold hearted woman. I have a lot of love to give and this incident will not alter my character for the worse.

I get that sick feeling hearing his phone go, even though they never communicated when he wasn’t “at work” I associate his work with a his shit.
Definitely right to delete her from fb. But With all the forms of social media it’s really easy to contact anyone now- although DH has blocked her on everything, it won’t take much for her (or him) to contact each other if they wanted. I’ve put my faith in believing he hasn’t/ won’t and luckily for me she has left their workplace.

NomDeQwerty- I had a look at the website, it’s good, might get the book!

Faith50 I’ve had loads of moments the first couple months going mad at him on the phone while he’s at work- I feel like he deserved to know how I was feeling and have to cope with that and his work.

I also feel like now he ant use work as an excuse for not doing things as I said right from the start if he can handle shagging all night in a hotel room before a massive meeting the next morning, and going out getting pissed until 1am before getting up for work at 6 he can handle putting kids to bed, cleaning, social events, school events etc. I’m not having everything on my shoulders ever again

Thank you PrimroseDot for starting this conversation. Even though I have had a shit weekend I have taken great strength from what people are saying here.

Apart from this weekend I know I want to keep trying to start again(as I know that what we had is gone) I know that dispite what DH has done he is a great father to our children. We have and never will want for anything. Over the last week I have taken a step back and watched my family interact and I know that all the hurt and upset I am feeling I will spare my kids from that for now. I am not saying I will never but people have made me realize that just because I stay now does not mean I have to stay forever.

I am buried under a brick wall at the minute with no fight let in me and it’s DH job to work his Dane hardest in order to break through grab my hand and pull me out. Then we can start looking ahead .

Rainandspirit Sorry to hear you had a shit weekend. Is so up and down isn’t it.

I feel for me and I know it’s a cliche but for the kids it’s worth me continuing to try again. Is hard though especially as in rl people have been supportive (and I’m quite open about what’s happened which shocked me as I’m usually so private- this has actually helped as I feel I don’t have to carry the weight of keeping it all a secret) but life just carries on for everyone and it’s assumed all is fine now as we are together!

I can relate to a lot of what's been said here.. sadly. I'm 20 months on from finding out my husbands double life (it really was a double life) all I can say is it's broken me. I wanted to fix it, he promised me it meant nothing, he's been the model H since but slowly I'm seeing the old secretive side creep back in.. don't think he's up to anything as such but the workaholic obsessive behaviour is back and the pattern is creeping close to repeat. I think a lot about the lies and how little her cared for me and the kids and that plays on and on in my mind often. I found pictures of them happily on holiday together-often I wake in the morning to one of those images and it's plain torture. Will this ever stop I wonder 💁‍♀️ I used to be so in love with my husband, now I feel empty and some days don't even like looking at him. I take my wedding rings off occasionally just to free myself from feeling like I'm living a lie (which I am) no one knows what this wonderful man has done to me. I'm financially tied for now but I don't see me fixing this marriage anymore. I'm plodding along until I feel safe and strong enough to get out. The boys are young still and both have autism so I need to tread carefully as ultimately I need to do what's right for them.