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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused, young, step mum

53 replies

Stepmumish · 10/08/2019 11:26

Trying to make this as short as possible.

I’m 23, been with BF for 3 years (living together 2) he has two DS by two mums, we have them every weekend, and everything is pretty settled.

With the youngest (5) DS, BF dotes on him way more than slightly older DS, and always stayed closer to the mum. I’m not the jealous type, but sometimes it was overstepping the mark ,, and even after two years they text a lot etc.

BF has a nasty side, can be either amazing and loving, or cold and mean, no in between. (Never physical)

Since we’ve been together he’s split up with me 3 times, (never moves out) and then after a week or so he acts like it never happened?

I am very close with his family, and when we are good, things are great we laugh a lot and work as a unit.

Last month or so he’s been really cold on and off, and not sleeping in our bed. He stayed at DS mums one night (said she was out for the night?) and now they are texting a lot. She is currently on holiday and I feel like the minute she gets back he’s going to go and live with her.

Just really want some advice on how to handle this ? 1. If he does leave, I’m pretty sure my life will be very confused for abit, I’m young and I’ve been a step mum since 20 and I’m very involved when we have them at weeks 2. If he doesn’t leave me for her , how do I get past what he’s been doing ? Or am I stupid for even wanting him too stay?

I do love him, but don’t love the way he treats me, and I’m so confused

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 10/08/2019 11:30

This sounds like a nightmare situation to be living in and to be honest you deserve better.
I think you’re hanging in in there because of the children - you genuinely seem to like them and sound like a nice step mum to them. But you need to put yourself first.
He needs to leave - is it your place or his or joint?

SapatSea · 10/08/2019 11:31

He sounds controlling and not a person who is consistent and to be trusted. He is not a good father if he is favouring one child over the other, poor kid. You are young, find someone to have some fun and youth with not being a stepmum every weekend and saddled with a destabilising man who doesn't show you respect or cherish you.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/08/2019 11:33

Run. While you can. Whatever you do don't get pregnant to this man.

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 11:34

Leave him. This will never get better.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2019 11:35

Dump.

PolkadotLollipop · 10/08/2019 11:36

Chuck him. He likes having women dangling on the end of his strings.

DowntonCrabby · 10/08/2019 11:37

Fucking leave him. He sounds like a dick.

He actually “dotes” on one of his DC more than the other??

MardyMavis · 10/08/2019 11:37

Get rid and do it now he's treating you like a twat how old is he? And also there is too much mix up there 2 kids by different mums and he only dotes on one? Sounds vile. Seriously you are young live your life and find someone without all the bullshit!!!

RaininSummer · 10/08/2019 11:39

You are far too young to live like this. You sound lovely with the children but he does not deserve you.

Bananalanacake · 10/08/2019 11:44

could you live on your own and see him once a week. if you want to.

FuriousVexation · 10/08/2019 11:53

He's training you to accept his shit behaviour.

I assume if you are in contact with his DC that means you are living together. Is it owned or rented? Who is on the deeds/tenancy?

Original poster
Stepmumish · 10/08/2019 12:54

Hi everyone! Don’t want to him to sound evil, he does love them both so much, it’s more the relationship with the youngest mum that makes it seem off balance - as he sees the youngest after work once and week!

We rent together, so financially we both need to be here, or both need to leave.

Feel lost, I really want it to work because when it’s good, it’s great! But on the other hand, deep down inside I know I deserve better then the bad times we have, I feel so so lost

I want to rewind time to when we were happy and a family! But not sure if he even wants that anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmumish · 10/08/2019 12:55

God even I want to slap sense into myself sometimes, but it’s so hard when you love someone and the kids

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/08/2019 12:58

@Stepmumish - You can't wish something into existence. You can't rewrite reality by wanting it to live up to an idea you have about it. What you had was only good because you hadn't yet seen what your husband is capable of being. He hasn't changed; it's just that you now have the bigger picture.

And he won't change.

You can stay where you are, hoping. But hope doesn't get you anywhere.

Or you can do the one sane thing available to you and change your life by removing yourself from this relationship.

You have that choice. It's probably not the option you want to choose, but it is yours to make.

billy1966 · 10/08/2019 13:01

Why are you selling yourself so short when you are so young?

Get out quick and give yourself the chance of a good life.
He sounds awful.

Userplusnumbers · 10/08/2019 13:03

Bin him off, while you're young. Don't gt pregnant, otherwise he will be on to the next one as is his pattern. He's telling you very clearly who he is, you need to listen.

Get out now, and you'll back on it in years to come with eternal joy you escaped so quickly.

Drogosnextwife · 10/08/2019 13:03

Get rid of him and don't look back.

Happydays2019 · 10/08/2019 13:03

What about taking yourself off to counselling? You can explore why you need to stay in this type of relationship. Or look around on mumsnet at women who have stayed in relationships and wished they left years ago. Staying in a relationship with the hope that things might get better or based on the fact that you are sometimes happy is not very good for your self esteem and confidence.

Picture 5 years time , imagine you were with a new man who didn't have children , didn't text other women, didn't blow hot and cold and didn't have you writing in to an anonymous forum for advice. Imagine how truly happy you would be if you were in a relationship where someone treated you with respect.
Make a choice to put yourself first OP, no one else can make that choice but you. Yea it will be hard and difficult but you will get through it and you will be a better person for it.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 10/08/2019 13:03

Run. He's a shit and you deserve better. I'm 20 years older than you and wouldn't get involved with this mess. Please don't get pregnant to this man. How old is he?

PicsInRed · 10/08/2019 13:05

You're 23 years old - an age at which your stock is still climbing and will continue to do so for literally decades to come. Do you understand how much reproductive "time" you have? Potentially 20 to 30 years of ahead of you.

Why in the blue fuck would you waste your time on this abject loser and potentially wreck your potential by getting pregnant and trapped to this. 🤨

Why? Aim higher. You're undervaluing yourself beyond measure.

Original poster
Stepmumish · 10/08/2019 13:09

Your messages are making me cry, but to be honest I think it’s because I know you’re all right.

I wish he could be the best side of him all the time, the person I love. The nasty side of him comes out too often, and I think it’s because he doesn’t really love me.

I honestly can’t imagine being with someone now, who doesn’t text other people, who doesn’t blow hot and cold, who I could say my view too In an arguement and not be scared they’re going to leave me ? It doesn’t feel possible or like real life?

Only had two relationships Including this one, first guy we were each other’s first everything, parents thought we would marry one day, we were so settled, then literally one day out of the blue he dumped me for someone else, shocked even his own friends and family.

Just want to be happy and to feel loved, i think he is going to leave me soon to be honest, and maybe that’s for the best

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmumish · 10/08/2019 13:09

Oh! And he was 30 this year

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 10/08/2019 13:09

Get rid he is treating you like dirt and probably sleeping with his ex. He is no prize, you are!!

needsome · 10/08/2019 13:10

You're 23! Way too young to be settling, especially on someone who sounds as shit as him!

Would I be right to say he is older?

You will never be fully happy this way and you deserve to be. If I was in your position and could afford to I'd be moving out ASAP or saving up for a deposit and getting everything in place.

Don't pander to the begging and guilt tripping and pretending to be nice if you do end up breaking up with him. You know the act will only be kept up for so long.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/08/2019 13:10

You realise he’s likely to have slept with DS’s mum that night he stayed over?

There are men out there who will allow you to have a real, decent, respectful, loving relationship.