Confused, young, step mum

[Stepmumish]

Trying to make this as short as possible.

I’m 23, been with BF for 3 years (living together 2) he has two DS by two mums, we have them every weekend, and everything is pretty settled.

With the youngest (5) DS, BF dotes on him way more than slightly older DS, and always stayed closer to the mum. I’m not the jealous type, but sometimes it was overstepping the mark ,, and even after two years they text a lot etc.

BF has a nasty side, can be either amazing and loving, or cold and mean, no in between. (Never physical)

Since we’ve been together he’s split up with me 3 times, (never moves out) and then after a week or so he acts like it never happened?

I am very close with his family, and when we are good, things are great we laugh a lot and work as a unit.

Last month or so he’s been really cold on and off, and not sleeping in our bed. He stayed at DS mums one night (said she was out for the night?) and now they are texting a lot. She is currently on holiday and I feel like the minute she gets back he’s going to go and live with her.

Just really want some advice on how to handle this ? 1. If he does leave, I’m pretty sure my life will be very confused for abit, I’m young and I’ve been a step mum since 20 and I’m very involved when we have them at weeks 2. If he doesn’t leave me for her , how do I get past what he’s been doing ? Or am I stupid for even wanting him too stay?

I do love him, but don’t love the way he treats me, and I’m so confused

Dump him first don't let him treat you like a door mat.

Also what @OliveToboogie said!

Oh! And he was 30 this year

Of course he was.
Younger woman are sought by these men as they are less experienced with losers and therefore easier to control.

Just leave. Contrasted a second more of your time. He is no catch and he's horrible to you.

You are young and deserve better, get out before he impregnates you too and you are stuck with a man who has 3 children by 3 women

I don’t want to sound pathetic (I know I do) but I don’t think I can just leave ? It would be so hard where we share a house, and I work a really full on job (management) and can’t be off my game.

Sounds so stupid but need to do it in a way I can manage emotionally, as I don’t want to crash out (suffered with anxiety and mild depression, but haven’t experienced major symptoms for 4 years now)

I just struggle with the standing up for myself, I wish it was all easier , I wish I was better at saying my piece , but also think then I wouldn’t be the person I am (who I am quite proud of)

Just really appreciate all your support, feels weird talking to strangers about something so personal, but glad I’m not alone

Get out while you can! You are so young and sound lovely, although I feel too lovely for him and he knows you’ll put up with his shit. Do yourself a favour & get out and I guarantee you’ll look back and thank your lucky stars x

It would be so hard where we share a house, and I work a really full on job (management) and can’t be off my game.

Yes, you would have to move out.
Call it freedom and #goals.
Why don't you just find a place and tell him after you have your possessions out?

You're 23, in management and obviously focused on work and success. Don't flush the rest of your life on this guy just because moving house is a ballache.

@Stepmumish
You sound like a good person and are Far too good for him.
Have a plan and get out of there as soon as you can. Don't waste too much time as you will deeply regret it in the future.
I do understand that you will feel very sad about his DC and it is, but luckily they have mummies, and one day you will go onto having your own.

It’s not quite that simple, I’m in a lot of debt (just me) I can’t afford to live alone, and I know he can’t. So we would both have to give the house up as a joint decision.

Once other DS is back with mum (this week) going to see if he goes there , as hard as it will be for me, at least I can give the house up if he decides to leave.

Just wish it wasn’t this complicated , but I know it’s my fault for allowing it

Hi OP I don’t usually reply to mumsnet posts (mostly lurk 😂) but I couldn’t not reply to your post, it made me physically anxious reading it because I was you three years ago. My ex had been sleeping with his child’s mother, along with multiple other women, and I didn’t find out until I was heavily pregnant. If you are worried about how leaving him will impact your mental health, PLEASE imagine how it would feel if he did turn out to be sleeping with his ex while you were pregnant and had a permanent tie to him for the rest of your life.

It’s very likely he is sleeping with her - staying overnight and constantly messaging - please get out while you can, I am still dealing with the drama and stress of dealing with my ex and our child is now a toddler. It really gets me down, and I wish I had paid attention to the warning signs early on. The unacceptable behaviour will get more and more frequent, so you are desensitised to it and put up with more over time. Leave with your dignity intact and you can have a clean break and a future healthy relationship when you meet the right person. I wish I had 😞. (disclaimer: I still love DC dearly!)

Regardless of waiting to see if he goes to his exes house or not, he treats you appallingly a lot of the time anyway.
Can you not stay with your parents?
If not, you need to make a financial plan to reduce/get rid of your debt, and get out of there.
Don't settle for him when you could have a really bright future ahead of you.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant.

Hi namechange!

Want to make it clear I will not be getting pregnant, I am very careful!

But Thankyou so much for your post, how did you finally end the relationship? Or did he?

I feel so sad, I wish so much he could be the man I know he could be if he just made the effort, but not sure he will ever make the effort for me , full time. And sadly, have probably half the year of nice him, doesn’t outway the bad times. Think I would cope, but him staying at her flat the other week, really messed with me - as I had until then , we had not spent a night apart since living together, he’s finally broken the trust I had in him not cheating

Cross post with Namechange 5
She's right - this could so easily happen to you.

He's a reproductive trapper, lovely. You need to get wise and fast. Firstly, fuck him and his housing situation. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Second, if you can't afford to live alone, become a boarder or a flatmate. Trust me when I say that's much less stressful, disruptive and intrusive than getting pregnant to one of these. And the longer you cohabit with him, the likelier pregnancy is (especially if he thinks you're thinking about leaving). If you can't afford to live alone, you certainly can't afford a baby.

Right now, your situation is the very opposite of complicated (unless you want it to be) - but it has the potential to become very complicated, indeed. Life alteringly so.

@stepmumish I ended the relationship, because of the cheating along with loads of other shit. I’ve been drawn back into things with him several times with promises of things being different etc but he hasn’t changed at all. He still tries to sleep with me now - even last night I was trying to arrange contact for next week with DC and he turned the conversation into us getting back together and how much he loves and misses me 🙄. It’s exhausting!

It’s exactly the same with the age gap too - he was nearly 30 when we met and I was early 20’s - And he had two children, two different mothers, I’m number three. After I broke up with him, he has had a string of younger girlfriends (age 18 - 22) and has tried for a baby with one of them that I know of, while he was trying for a baby with that girlfriend he was trying it on with me every time we had contact regarding DC. I think he enjoys the control aspect of having a child with someone / sees any of his children’s mothers as an option, and enjoys pushing boundaries while in a relationship to test how much he can get away with.

I know you said you won’t be having a child with him - but please consider how you’d deal with an unplanned pregnancy (mine wasn’t planned, I had an abortion booked but I couldn’t go through with it). And even if there is zero chance you would continue with any unplanned pregnancy, he truly doesn’t deserve any of your time. The longer you drag out or rationalise staying with him, the harder it will be to leave. It’s not worth the hassle, it wore me down so much.

If you’re on Instagram, theres a really good page called @LaLaLaLetMeExplain, she gives advice on dating and relationships (I think the woman who runs the page is qualified in relationship therapy and advice) it helped me loads when I knew I needed to leave but I was struggling. x

Don't waste any more time and energy with this man, you really do deserve better. Start making plans for moving out now, so can you stay with parents, move in with friends? Or start looking for a houseshare or cheap bedsit. Once you have made concrete plans and you have somewhere to go, then tell him and go. His housing arrangements are not your problem.

Please don't stay just because you are frightened of moving on - yes it is scary, but most things worth doing are. You will be ok. Move on and when you are feeling ready get out there and date and have fun, don't get into anything serious for a while, just have fun.

You deserve so much better than this.

You are making excuses to not leave rather than giving reasons to stay, and that says a lot.

Disney has it wrong. Your love cannot turn the monster into a Prince because the Prince was the mask, and the monster is who he is.

this relationship is done, it now comes down ton who finishes it, and whether you come out with your self-respect intact or not.

And that is entirely up to you.

Run like the wind. You're 23, plenty of time to find a man who can offer you a real relationship and a happy family. You'll only be this guys 3rd child's mother.

Could you get some financial advice? I know some churches offer money matters type sessions. Is there anywhere else you could live?

You can do better, way better.

You are way too young to be in a situation like this, you don’t need to have everything worked out by your early 20s! It sounds like emotional abuse blowing hot and cold giving you just enough to keep you hanging on. If you can maybe move home while you clear debt, you still have so much life ahead of you don’t waste it being unhappy and insecure with someone who treats you badly

You are not trapped. You just feel it.
When is the lease up?
Do you have friends or family you could stay with?
Seriously they will be delighted.

Just be grateful you don't have a child with this moron . Move on quickly . One day you will look back and think what a narrow escape you have had!

1. Take a look at the tenancy agreement and give your notice to quit.
2. Find yourself a house-share or bedsit to move into. Pack up your stuff and go.
3. If you can't afford your repayments, then speak to your creditors and sort something out, or talk to Stepchange.

The man you're with sounds emotionally abusive. And he's fucking his ex.

I don't know why you have such low self-esteem, maybe he's done a number on you. But this isn't a good relationship for you, and your love is wasted on him.

And love doesn't conquer all, it doesn't transform, and it doesn't make putting up with being treated badly worthwhile. Love is a con, when it makes you sell yourself so short. You'll love again, someone far better, give yourself a chance to find that person.