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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner just left - is it my fault?

52 replies

Crazyuser123 · 09/08/2019 22:44

Dear all, writing this as I feel really heart broken now - upset and can’t really think straight.

My partner of 3 years ended our relationship tonight, got most of his stuff and moved out. The reason - he can’t cope with me 17 year old son. I have three children from my previous relationship. The two younger children got on quite well with my partner and developed good relationship with him. My son, however, didn’t like the new rules and boundaries and there were constant arguments between my partner and him. This, in turn, caused arguments between all of us as I wouldn’t totally agree with my partner’s parenting style. To cut a long story short, my partner just got fed up with that and left.

So, now I am thinking whether if is all my fault - my inability to discipline and control my child or whether it’s my son’s fault - for being selfish and destroying my relationship. I am in a complete turmoil and need a handhold. My younger children are very upset and distraught.

OP posts:
Cooroo · 09/08/2019 22:52

It's no one's fault. But it's for the best. Honestly living with that conflict is miserable. Your DS is your responsibility and if your DP couldn't cope, he's best out of it. This happens. Yes it hurts but the pain of going on would be worse.

Original poster
Crazyuser123 · 09/08/2019 23:24

Cooroo, thank you for your response x

OP posts:
BloodyhellMartha · 09/08/2019 23:33

What stood out for me was you saying your son didn't like the new rules and boundaries.

I guess he was 14 when you met DP? I have a 14 yo DS and he would massively resent any 'new' partner of mine suddenly setting new rules and boundaries. Frankly I think your DP was the one at fault - not you or your son. If DP had any brains or common sense he would have trod warily with your DCs - not expected to lay down the law and then obey. It was always going to be a tricky situation.

Feckers2018 · 09/08/2019 23:36

I don't blame your ds for not accepting new rules and boundries. Did he need them? Or was your partner showing him he was the man of the house nonsense. Your loyalty is with your ds.

BloodyhellMartha · 09/08/2019 23:37

Do I also assume that he moved into your house with you? (As you say he packed his things and left).

If he moved into your son's home and expected to set the rules he was very foolish and knows little about handling teenagers.

Feckers2018 · 09/08/2019 23:39

Also your partner isn't your ds parent. So why was he acting like he was. Best that he left IMO.

category12 · 09/08/2019 23:39

Having a step-dad move in and start laying down the law with a teenager is never going to work.

Feckers2018 · 09/08/2019 23:42

Don't blame your ds as it must have been a difficult situation for him. But then I don't know which behaviors needed addressing. What did ds do? All teenagers argue and oush boundries.

Wildorchidz · 09/08/2019 23:42

So you moved your new man in with your 3 children? Could you not foresee that there might have been a difficulty with that?

LizzieSiddal · 09/08/2019 23:44

what sort of rules have been set?

Original poster
Crazyuser123 · 10/08/2019 00:34

It’s difficult to explain everything here but I will try.

My children went through a very acrimonious divorce and their father has no involvement with them at all. With me having to work full time, it was difficult to juggle everything. My son has never had any behaviour issues at school. He is quite intelligent and has a good circle of friends. He neither smokes nor drinks. But he can be a nightmare at home. I did struggle with his behaviour at home a lot - not doing as he is told, bullying his sister, swearing at me. He got away with doing what he wants for so long that I guess it was difficult for him to accept that somebody else is now telling him what to do and he has to abide by these rules - respect, manners and no bullying his sister.
My partner had a very strict approach to discipline. I would even say a military approach. I agreed with his principles (respect, good manners etc) and with what he was saying but I didn’t agree with the way it was delivered. For examples, the punishments were endless; good behaviour was not recognised (because my partner believed that my son is not a small child any more); the targets were vague (eg. “ he can have the internet access when he behaves”); isolation (not allowed to join in family outings or family time) etc My partner would justify that by saying that nothing else works with my son. Also, my partner would scream and shout a lot at my son and that, in turn, would cause tension and arguments between us.
I do believe that actions have consequences but I also believe that one needs to choose their battles carefully. Also, rightly or wrongly, I was scared that I would push my son to the limit or that we would loose a connection and he would go downhill completely.
When I first met my partner, I was very upfront with him. He knew that I had 3 children and I was very honest with him about the issues we had at home. So my partner knew everything about my family life. To be fair to him, he did help me a lot and there is much more order, discipline and respect in my household now (at least from my other two children).

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyuser123 · 10/08/2019 00:40

My partner and my son were constantly at loggerheads. I felt that my partner, being an adult, should have tried and built a relationship with my son and maybe then my son would have listened to him more. I did ask my partner several times if he would consider doing something with my son like going shopping together or doing some activities together so that they would bond a little bit. My partner would refused and say that he wouldn’t do anything till my son starts showing respect and doing what he is told.

Have I got it all wrong?

OP posts:
Pittlepops · 10/08/2019 00:50

Similar situation. My husband upped and left 3 weeks ago. He’s blamed all sorts why. But he did blame my 17 yr old daughter from a previous relationship (she is a good girl but she hasn’t got a job yet) so he kept banging on about it, then said he was dropping his bills 80 pounds a month. Plus numerous other things.
Since found out he has been contacting another woman. Seriously not worth your heartache. I was a mess in recent weeks, off work, pain in my chest and now I think your loss.
Just don’t want you thinking it’s your fault because it’s not. And it’s not your sons either. The more I think about him talking about my daughter like that he can sod off and never speak to me again. I’ve taken my wedding rings off tonight. He took his off straight away.
Sending lots of love xxx

Original poster
Crazyuser123 · 10/08/2019 00:56

Thank you, Pittlepops. Sending love to you to x

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 10/08/2019 01:01

Your partner sounds like an utter bully.

Flower64 · 10/08/2019 01:29

So your partner moved in and expected to be able to put his strict parenting rules onto a teenage boy when he’s not his dad and expected the lad to respect him? I’d be glad he’s gone. I bet your son is

Feckers2018 · 10/08/2019 02:11

Your dh sounds awful and even abusive towards your son. He obviously hasn't a clue how to bring up a teenager. He doesnt deserve respect as hes an entitled bully. Of course he should have built a relationship with your ds. Who would want to live with a sergeant major? Why do you doubt yourself? You are right and you should be glad hes out of ds life hopefully.

Feckers2018 · 10/08/2019 02:15

Also why was your partner so in charge of everything? No wifi. Not allowed to join in. No positive reinforcement. Your poor son. You must ask yourself why you enabled this.

pebblemix · 10/08/2019 02:24

Why did you allow a man to move in and start dictating to your son? It’s not right at all. He has put zero effort into building a relationship with him yet expects him to abide by his rules? Who the hell does he think he is? He moved into YOUR home, your sons home and started screaming and shouting at him? WTF? The 1st time somebody did that to my child he’d have been shown the door. Where’s your backbone woman. Your poor son. How horrific for him. Aged 14 which is a very difficult age he has some random bloke move into his space and start laying down the law according to him. Is this bloke a teacher? A trained childcare/parenting expert? No. So it’s his self declared parenting. Has he raised his own kids? I think you’ve got a lot of serious questions to ask yourself. You’d better hunker down and sort things out with your son or risk him not wanting anything to do with you in the future. How horrific.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 10/08/2019 03:52

Pebble mix is spot on! Why on earth have you moved an abusive bully into your sons home- letting him walk all over you and abusing your son! My son is twelve, if my husband ( who I adore) treated my son the way you allowed your ex to treat your son, I would throw him out of the house and would be stopping contact!

Your son sounds like a normal teenager testing boundaries! I can’t believe your suggestion that your son is to blame! The one to blame is your abusive bully of an ex and I m sorry if this is upsetting- you for standing by and letting him make your sons life miserable!

I hope for your sake that your son can forgive you! I wouldn’t blame him if he chooses not to though! What on earth were you thinking? I bet he has turned your other children against your son too! You need to apologise to your son and seek counselling for you both! I suggest you look into the freedom program ..... Why are your boundaries so low?

FuriousVexation · 10/08/2019 03:57

Your children didn't go through an acrimonious divorce. You did. They just got to suffer having a useless arse of a bio dad.

Has school referred your oldest to CAMHS? Seems like he would need it having had a non-interested bio dad then a bullying martinet of a step dad.

twattymctwatterson · 10/08/2019 04:47

This is your DPs fault, then your fault for allowing him to abuse your son. The absolute last person who's fault this is would be your 17 year old's.

AltheaVestr1t · 10/08/2019 04:57

I’m so sorry, you know the answer here. There is no easy fix. You need to stand up to your OH. Your son needs your support. Put your Big Boots on and be a Mum.

AnnaFiveTowns · 10/08/2019 05:09

I feel so sad for your poor son when I read this; abandoned by his dad and then abused in his own home by his mother's partner. Thank God your bullying, controlling arse of a partner has gone. Now you need to work on your relationship with your son ( who sound a like a perfectly normal teenager) and hope that he forgives you for putting your relationship with a man before your children.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 10/08/2019 05:33

Have 4 DC. Their father passed away years ago
Met my DP 6 years later. We do NOT live together. This is one of the reasons why. My DC come first. I cant see disrupting their lives by moving a man into their home. My DP understands and it's worked wonderfully.

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